NEWS    Current / Submit    Archive    HELP    Walkthrough    Cheats    Editing    COMMUNITY    Forums    Fan Fiction    Fan Art    Links    FILES    Game Demo    Patch    Editing Tools    Community maps    Movies    Music    Submit    UNDYING    Game Info    Features    Requirements    Screenshots    Characters    Enemies    NPCs    Weapons    Spells    Inventory    Macintosh    Playstation2    FAQ    JERICHO    Game Info    SITE    Site Info    Contact Email (Untitled) The following is based on the game Clive Barker's Undying, ©. 2001 Electronic Arts Inc. [O] (Untitled)      December 18, 1922 I had planned everything perfectly. I would invite Patrick to spend Christmas at Covenant Estate. Then I would lure my siblings to the house and force them to agree to take part in my Christmas celebration by whatever means necessary. Patrick would of course accept my invitation, I would make sure he received the Scythe upon his arrival, then I'd get them all in one room together and my problems were good as over! Such effort I went to! Writing the perfect invitation for Patrick, one he absolutely couldn't resist, and finding the perfect lure for my siblings! I sent the six letters all in the same day, trusting that all would work as I had planned...but the best-laid plans are doomed to failure. What did I receive today? A letter from my "loyal" friend saying he couldn't spend the holiday season with me, he was going to Hawaii! So now my brothers and sisters are due at the house in less then an hour, and I have no means of getting rid of them. This is, to say the least, a nerve-wracking situation and I am beginning to feel I am rather in over my head. But what else can be done? I must gain control of this situation! I must carry on with the plot, no matter how anxious I feel, and hope Patrick changes his mind when he receives my next lett-- MAID: *knocks and enters* "Sir? Your sister has arrived. She's waiting in the dining room." JEREMIAH: *hides his journal* "Which one?" MAID: *puzzled look* "Bethany, of course. Lizbeth is dead." JEREMIAH: "Heh. Right. Of course. How could I have forgotten?" *sweatdrop* "Thank you, I'll be down in a moment. Leave a few bottles of wine in my room while I'm gone, will you?" MAID: "Yes, sir. I don't think she's alone in the dining room. I can hear her having a very...vocal argument--" *from downstairs* "I don't see how you can be so pathetic and exist! " MAID: "--with someone." JEREMIAH: "Yes, that's...that's our Bethany." *mutters to himself* "I knew I should have been waiting in the dining room. This is not beginning well at all." *raises his voice again* "Thank you." *hurries downstairs and into the dining room* *Technically, it's not a dining room anymore--the table is gone, leaving just a circle of chairs. One is occupied by Bethany who, judging by her glare, has ended her argument with Aaron and not in a manner that's to her satisfaction.* JEREMIAH: "Thank you for waiting for me, Bethany. Where’s Aaron?" AARON: *materializes in a chair next to Bethany* "Right here. What do you want? It had better be good if it necessitates me spending time with her!" BETHANY: "This little meeting you called had better be worthwhile, Jeremiah. I have other, much more important things I could be doing." AARON: *glares at Bethany* "Oh, wait, wait...let me guess! You need to spend hours on end in the greenhouse growing useless weeds? Or do you have to leave so you can fraternize with strange magicians? No, wait…you’d rather be plotting the demise of another of your family members, perhaps? Am I getting close?" BETHANY: *angrily* "Jeremiah, you are going to have to switch chairs with me if you want me to remain in here. I refuse to sit next to Aaron. I had to lie next to him for nine terrible months in poor mother’s womb. I think that was more than enough time spent with him." AARON: "You horrible, evil, beastly woman…I hate you with every fiber of my being!" *Bethany switches chairs with Jeremiah* JEREMIAH: *nervously* "Alright, you two….could we please try to have a civilized conversation?" BETHANY: "What is this about, Jeremiah? I’m losing my patience." JEREMIAH: "Please, just wait for Ambrose and Lizbeth, and then we can talk." *Ambrose stomps into the room. He has his axe strapped to his back and a black t-shirt on that says: "Ireland’s Billiards Champion, 1916--I Knock ‘Em Dead". Jeremiah rolls his eyes at the shirt* AMBROSE: *grabs Jeremiah by the front of his robe* "I saw that! No comments about the shirt or I’ll strangle you, Jeremiah!!" JEREMIAH: *choking* "Ach...alright, alright…I wasn’t going to say anything! Hands off the robe, please!" AMBROSE: *drops Jeremiah back into his chair* "What did you want to see me for? I’ve got places to go, pirates to lead, people to hurt…I’m a busy man!" JEREMIAH: "Be patient." AMBROSE: "Shut up, Jeremiah! That’s what I’ve always hated about you--you’re just like Father was, always trying to tell the rest of us what to do!" JEREMIAH: "But all I said was--" BETHANY: *angrily* "Enough!" *Ambrose and Jeremiah are silent* *Lizbeth finally seductively saunters into the room* LIZBETH: "Good evening, everyone. I do hope I didn’t keep you waiting very long." *Her dress is almost completely covered in blood* "Do you like what I’ve done with my dress? It’s the holiday season, after all. I thought a red dress would be so much more fitting given the time of year." *smiles wickedly* JEREMIAH: "You look…lovely, Lizbeth. Well, now that we’re all here, we can finally start the family meeting." AMBROSE: "Where the hell is the table? I’m not sitting here if we don’t have a table, dammit!" AARON: "Idiot. The table has been gone for months since Lizbeth took it to her lair." AMBROSE: "Well, excuse me if I actually have a life and leave the house once in a while! I don’t hang around this hole like you do--I can’t keep up with what goes on in here! Did you just call me an idiot?!" LIZBETH: "Yes, I did take it to my lair. No one was using it anymore, and Mother and I thought it made the catacombs look so much more like a home. My babies and I eat every person we catch on the table instead of the floor now." JEREMIAH: "I…I really could use a drink....Ambrose, if you really want a table, why don’t you go get the pool table out of the game room?" AMBROSE: "No good. That table has too many stains ever since I killed our old man in there. I mean…since he had that heart attack and fell and hit his head on the table. That was a real tragedy. I’ll just go and steal the servants’ table." JEREMIAH: "Could I get started with the meeting, please?" BETHANY: "Please do. We’ve already wasted enough time with this nonsense already!" JEREMIAH: "Well, then--I’ll begin. I’ve called you all here today because I wanted to suggest something. Christmas is only a few days away, and it has been several years since we actually celebrated Christmas together as a family. I was thinking that perhaps this year we could try and put aside our differences and have a nice Christmas celebration. We could decorate this old, dreary house…have the cook prepare a wonderful feast…exchange gifts…so, what do you all think of this suggestion?" *The siblings all glare at Jeremiah, irritated* AMBROSE: "That’s it? That’s the point of this ridiculous "family meeting"? I should kill you right now for wasting my time like this! Christmas…what a worthless holiday!" JEREMIAH: "Well, it’s just that all of us have had a rather…unorthodox life…I just thought we could try to do something pleasant for once together as a family and try to enjoy ourselves with some degree of normalcy." AMBROSE: *laughs darkly* "Oh, I’ve got news for you, Jeremiah. You threw all chances of ‘normalcy’ out the window when you took us all on that little island trip twenty years ago! You’ve only got yourself to blame! Sure, I’ve got a Christmas gift for you-I’m going to slam the business end of my axe right into your face!" LIZBETH: *smiles as she slides her tongue across her fangs* "Oh, Jeremiah…how clever you think you are. I know what this is. You don’t really want to celebrate Christmas; you only want to distract us for a bit. Do you think that if you suggest a family Christmas party that I’ll actually forget that I’m trying to kill you?" JEREMIAH: *starting to get nervous* "Er…no, no…that’s not it at all…but I was hoping that you might put your plan to kill me on hiatus, if only for the holiday.." BETHANY: "This was a foolish suggestion, Jeremiah. You’ll get no such masquerading from me!" JEREMIAH: *sigh* "Well, I’ve heard everyone’s opinion except yours, Aaron." AARON: *looking down at the floor with a sad look on his face* "I…have no opinion about it." JEREMIAH: "Oh, surely you do…you usually have an opinion about everything." AARON: "I don’t like Christmas! And I don’t care to elaborate on my reasons for it, either! Father never did listen to me. Not once did I ever get anything I asked for from him!" BETHANY: "But Aaron, therapy is very expensive. And I don’t think Father would have been able to find a psychologist who wouldn’t have run away in terror after talking to you for five minutes." *Ambrose and Lizbeth start laughing* AARON: "Damn you, you vile witch--I do not want or need therapy! Nor did I ever ask for it from Father!" JEREMIAH: "Well, what did you ask for that Father never gave you?" AARON: "None of your business!" JEREMIAH: "No, please, I’d really like to know. I truly am interested." AARON: "…..Well, I…I wanted…" JEREMIAH: "Yes?" AARON: "I wanted him to have a bathroom built in my room so I didn’t always have to walk all the way to the Study! Do you know what it is like to have to walk all the way down to the Study in order to take a shower?! I did it for years and I didn’t appreciate it! All those nights I came inside after working for hours in the Studio….covered in paint and sweat and rain…all I wanted to do was retire to my room and take a nice shower…and I never could! So many years I suffered in silence...." AMBROSE: *bursts out laughing* "That’s it? That’s what you always wanted from Father? A bathroom?! Heh heh heh!" AARON: "Yes, that’s right! Keep laughing at my expense, you fool! But in case you haven’t noticed, there isn’t a bathroom in your room, either!" AMBROSE: *stops laughing* "Wait a minute…you’re right…my room doesn’t have a bathroom! *raises a fist* Damn you, Father! You never loved me! I’m glad I killed you, you bastard!" LIZBETH: "But my room has a bathroom." AMBROSE: "Oh, it sure does. Your room was special because you were just Daddy’s Little Girl, weren’t you? You make me sick!" LIZBETH: *growls at Ambrose* "Don’t be stupid, Ambrose! Jeremiah’s room has a bathroom, too!" AARON: "Only because Jeremiah is the eldest and therefore got to pick the best room in the house for himself! How selfish you are, Jeremiah…." JEREMIAH: "But…but it isn’t my fault! Please, let’s not argue about this." BETHANY: "Stop your pathetic whining, Aaron! How hard is it to walk down to the Study? My room doesn’t have a bathroom, but you’ve never heard me crying about it! You get upset about everything. Your weakness disgusts me!" AARON: "No, your room doesn’t have a bathroom, but Father still paid someone to carve that ridiculously large letter "B" on your bedroom door! I still cannot believe you actually wanted a "B" on your door, you twisted egomaniac!" LIZBETH: "If I recall, Father let us choose whatever room in the house we wanted for our bedroom." AMBROSE: "Right, and I chose one as far away from the rest of you as possible!" AARON: "Hmph! You only chose that room because it was the closest to the bar!" AMBROSE: "And you only chose your room because it has a couple of giant eyeballs on the door!" AARON: "How…how did you know that?" AMBROSE: "It wasn’t that difficult. Only a psycho would want that room. It’s perfect for you." AARON: "Why, you--" JEREMIAH: "Alright, alright! Could we please stop this pointless bickering about bathrooms and bedrooms and whatever else? I would really rather discuss our upcoming Christmas celebration, please." LIZBETH: "What Christmas celebration?" JEREMIAH: *snaps and shouts at her* "The Christmas celebration I was trying to talk to all of you about before you started arguing about bathrooms!" LIZBETH: "I knew that!" BETHANY: "Really, Jeremiah! And you wonder why your blood pressure is so high!" AARON: "Why the concern for his health, Bethany? Looking for his weak points?! Are you planning to murder him, too?!" LIZBETH: *raises her voice so she can be heard over the twins' arguing* "I'm wondering when we agreed to a Christmas celebration? In fact, why do you even think it's a good idea to get the five of us in one room for any amount of time? I don't care what you say, I know you have an ulterior motive!" BETHANY: *leans around Jeremiah so she can glare at Aaron* "No, he might come back like you." AARON: *looks smug* "It's retribution." BETHANY: "Really? I thought it was a mirror of your physical existence. Too pathetic to do anything in life, too pathetic to do anything in death." JEREMIAH: "Aaron, don't respond to that. Bethany, stop baiting him. Is it too much to ask for you to be quiet for a few minutes?" AARON: "At least I don't have a black heart!" *glares at Bethany* JEREMIAH: *snaps once more* "ENOUGH!" *glares at each of his siblings in turn* "Ladies and gentlemen--" *mutters to himself* "And I use both terms lightly" *raises his voice again* "I was not joking when I told you it would be in your best interest to be here today!" LIZBETH: "Best interest? I came for the Belgian chocolates you promised!" AMBROSE: "Yes, and so did I! Where are the chocolates, Jeremiah?!" JEREMIAH: *glowers* "Well, due to circumstances beyond my control, I don't have the chocolates! You're just going to have to live with it! " *silence* JEREMIAH: *calms down* "Ever since that unfortunate incident at the Standing Stones, I've missed having a family and I'd like to...er...attempt to recapture the feeling. Now, the holiday celebrations will be somewhat dampened because when I wrote the letters requesting your company today, I expected my good friend Patrick to join us. But he had prior plans." *mutters to himself again* "Go to Hawaii, will he? After all I've done for him!" *raises his voice* "Still, I would like to celebrate Christmas with my...er...beloved family again. Now, after your reaction to my earlier suggestion, I won't ask you to help me decorate the house, get a tree, or even share a Christmas meal, but I'd love it if we could set aside our differences for an hour or so and exchange presents. What do you think?" *beams at them* AARON: "No." BETHANY: "Absolutely not." AMBROSE: "What an idiotic idea!" LIZBETH: "Utterly ridiculous!" AMBROSE: "Well, we've come as you requested, we didn't get our chocolate, and now we're leaving. So long, Jeremiah!" *starts to get up* JEREMIAH: *sigh* "I didn't want it to come down to this, but...Aaron, Ambrose, Bethany, Lizbeth, if you are not in the Great Hall at ten o'clock on the morning of Christmas Day, with a gift for each of us, I will be forced to go to the telephone and make two calls. The first call will be to Mother, enlisting her support. The second call will be to a family therapist, scheduling our first appointment. Having to make those calls will mean the five of us will attend family therapy twice a week for the next year. That is, dear brothers and sisters, one hundred and four two-hour long sessions where we will be locked in a room with each other. Failure to comply with therapy--and my demise at the hands of any of you, by the way--means that you must face Mother." *settles back in his chair* "What will it be?" *Ambrose glares furiously. Jeremiah remains unmoved.* LIZBETH: *growl* "When the gift exchange is over, I want to leave right away!" JEREMIAH: *sigh* "I expected nothing else." BETHANY: "I suppose it is the lesser of the two evils." AARON: "And where do you fit in, dear sister? Very well, Jeremiah, I'll comply with your request." AMBROSE: *intensifies the furious glare* "Alright, Jeremiah, you've got me cornered! But after the gift exchange, I insist we play some pool." *evil smile* JEREMIAH: *looks a little nervous* "We'll discuss it. Very well, I'll see you all on Christmas Day!" *His siblings offer noncommittal mutters and storm out of the room* JEREMIAH: "Well, at least I'm enthusiastic about it." *mutters to himself* I might be even more enthusiastic if Patrick changes his mind and spends Christmas in Ireland, as he'd better." MAID: *tentatively steps into the room* "Sir? Would you like me to serve lunch?" JEREMIAH: "Please. I can't believe I successfully threatened my family!" MAID: "Sir, most of your family is dead." JEREMIAH: *glares* "You simply have to ruin the moment, don't you?! ******* December 25, 1922. 9:30 AM in the Great Hall. JEREMIAH: *finishes arranging his gifts on the floor at his feet and settles back into his armchair to relax and drink tea* "Ah...the joys of living alone...." *the door of the Great Hall flies open, crashing against the wall before slamming back into place, and Lizbeth bounds into the room with a shriek* LIZBETH: "Hello, Jeremiah...Merry Christmas!" JEREMIAH: *mops at the tea stains on his robe* "Yes, thank you. Do you think you could have done that any louder?" LIZBETH: *smirk* "Of course. Shall I demonstrate?" JEREMIAH: "No, no, that's fine! Just...make yourself comfortable, and we'll wait for the others...." *edges uncomfortably away from her* "Er...there's actual chocolates this time!" LIZBETH: *purrs* "Oh good." *drops an armful of presents carelessly on the floor and goes to investigate the snacks* JEREMIAH: *under his breath* "Patrick, I'm sure your conscience became unbearable and you're headed to the Estate right now...hurry up!" 9:45 AM *Shouting begins down the corridor and quickly approaches the Great Hall* JEREMIAH: *wearily* I suppose I shouldn't have hoped the twins would set aside their differences for the day...." LIZBETH: *scoffs* "I could have told you that!" BETHANY: *throws open the door and storms inside, nodding to Lizbeth and Jeremiah in acknowledgment as she dumps her presents on the coffee table* "Aaron, I'm only telling you your paintings are terrible!" AARON: *follows after her dropping his presents on the exact opposite side of the coffee table, so there's no risk of their presents touching* "At least I paint! When's the last time you ever did anything worthwhile?" JEREMIAH: *cuts them off* "Merry Christmas! I don't suppose you would agree to be civil until this gift exchange is over?" *Aaron and Bethany open their mouths to disagree* JEREMIAH: *steely tone* "Family therapy." *Aaron and Bethany close their mouths and resort to glaring at each other* JEREMIAH: *under his breath* "Patrick, where are you?" 10:15 AM AMBROSE: *throws open the door and stalks in. As usual, he has his axe with him and is wearing one of his t-shirts; this one reads: "My delinquent pirate buddies and I killed the son of the lighthouse keeper and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt"* "I'm here. Let's get this over with." JEREMIAH: *reproachfully* "You're fifteen minutes late!" AMBROSE: *scowl* "Your point being?" JEREMIAH: "Um...nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. Er...Aaron, Bethany, why don't you start? I'm very...ah...curious to know what you gave each other. Especially you, Aaron." AARON: *sigh* "If you insist." *turns to Bethany with an extremely forced smile* "Merry Christmas, Bethany." *hands her a large, rectangular present neatly wrapped in shiny black paper* BETHANY: *glares at him suspiciously before ripping the paper away and holding up a painting. To put it mildly, the subject of the painting is just awful--it looks like the unholy offspring of a Monto'Shonoi and a komodo dragon after it's been repeatedly hit by a car. The title of the painting, written in fairly large letters at the bottom, is 'Bethany'.* AARON: *smirks* BETHANY: *equally forced smile* "Why thank you, Aaron, it's...lovely. And here's your present--a nice vacation!" *throws an ether trap at him, then turns back to the painting and gives it a thoughtful look* "Hmm...." *scribbles out 'Bethany' and writes across the top in very large letters: 'What Happened to the Last Person Who Entered My Room Without Knocking'* JEREMIAH: *with very forced cheer* "Well, Bethany, don't keep it to yourself--what did Aaron give you?" *peeks over her shoulder* "Oh...my...." BETHANY: "It's no worse then his last "masterpiece", and it may actually serve a useful purpose besides feeding the fire." *shrugs and sets it aside* JEREMIAH: *angrily* "Is that why the portrait hall is looking rather bare?" BETHANY: "I haven't heard you complaining about any of those missing paintings." JEREMIAH: *opens his mouth and thinks better of what he intended to say, instead exchanging packages with her* "I...Er, Merry Christmas." *opens his package* "Oh...a supply of ether traps. Thank you, Bethany, how...generous. It's so nice of you to...er...endeavor to protect my privacy." BETHANY: *rolls her eyes and opens her own package* "A gift certificate for the nearest garden center. How very safe and practical of you, Jeremiah." JEREMIAH: *sigh* "You're quite welcome. Now Ambrose--" AMBROSE: *grabs his package from Jeremiah, rips it open, and glowers at the contents* "Plain white shirts. You got me plain white shirts for Christmas. Is this supposed to be some kind of hint about my clothing, big brother? Shall we discuss the issue over a game of pool?" *scowl* JEREMIAH: *pales slightly* "No, no, I was just being...safe. And practical." AMBROSE: "Whatever." *throws a badly wrapped present at Jeremiah* JEREMIAH: *opens it and holds up a small sweater with several large holes in it that was once red but is now too filthy to be worthy of the name* "Oh, it's the sweater I loaned you when I was fourteen years old that you...never returned to me until now. Thank you...I suppose." AMBROSE: *looms* "You suppose?" JEREMIAH: "Thank you. Of course." AMBROSE: "Of course." *exchanges presents with Lizbeth and opens his, casually discarding the blood red wrapping paper* "A severed head! This will look just splendid on my wall with the others!" LIZBETH: "I thought you'd like it! I was just out frightening the gardeners one day and got a little hungry, so--Perhaps I'll wait to tell you the rest of the story. Jeremiah looks a little faint." *smirks* AMBROSE: *stage whisper* "If he faints, we can leave early." LIZBETH: *scowl* "Oh no, I'm not going anywhere until I get my presents!" *tears into her own package* "Earrings in the shape of Howlers! Thank you, Ambrose!" *clips small yellow Howler-shaped earrings to her earlobes. The earrings look rather suspiciously as though they were shaped from human bone.* AARON: *reappears* "Damn you, you evil woman!" *lunges for Bethany* BETHANY: *immediately shields herself* "Oh Aaron, I'm hurt. After all that time I spent planning your little Christmas vacation?" JEREMIAH: "Now, now, settle down! It's Christmas, and we're all going to act like a family! Aaron, let's exchange gifts. For Christmas, I had that bathroom added on to your room just like you always wan--" AARON: *angrily* "Yes, except now I can't use it! Thank you very much, Jeremiah, you simply had to ruin my Christmas, didn't you?! Why couldn't you have given me something useful and had Bethany locked away in an asylum?!" AMBROSE: "She lives here, doesn't she?" AARON: "You hardly deserve it, but--" *throws a package at Jeremiah* JEREMIAH: *catches it and peels away the paper* "Wine! Just what I needed!" *sinks down in the nearest chair and starts drinking* *Ambrose and Bethany roll their eyes and exchange presents* AMBROSE: "Grenades!" *gleeful look* BETHANY: "A flowerpot." *sounds less than thrilled* "You know, there is more to me then gardening--" AARON: "Yes, she also murders her family members in her spare time!" LIZBETH: "Are you still complaining about that?! Aaron, it's old news, we hardly care anymore! Besides, she was hardly being original--" BETHANY: "I beg your pardon!" LIZBETH: *ignores her* "Well, as long as I'm talking to you...." *gives Aaron his gift and takes her own, which she opens with a squeal* "Collars! Special collars for my babies!" AARON: *opens his own gift* "Oil?" LIZBETH: "Your chains could use it! Whenever you walk about the house, my poor babies get the most awful headaches." *accusing look* AARON: *sigh* "Thank you. Ambrose?" *exchanges gifts* AMBROSE: *rips off the paper* "What the hell?! "Learn Patience in Thirty Days"?! A book, and a worthless book at that!" *throws it up into the air and uses his axe to cleave the book in half before angrily throwing both halves into the fireplace* AARON: *shrugs* "I tried." *opens his own package* "A framed picture of Bethany?! Thank you very much! I can now see you were clearly conspiring with Jeremiah to make this the most miserable Christmas I've ever experienced!" *hurls the picture into the fireplace* BETHANY: *irritably flicks an ether trap at him before trading gifts with Lizbeth and peeling hers open* "A bouquet of dead roses stuck in a flowerpot. Wonderful. Thank you for giving Jeremiah conclusive proof that this, like all of his ideas, is a complete failure." JEREMIAH: *looks indignant* "When have any of my ideas ever been failures?" AMBROSE: "Oh, I wonder! How about...oh, I don't know...the Standing Stones?!" LIZBETH: "Yes, and what about the time you convinced us to sneak out of our beds and attend that carnival?" BETHANY: "Going to war wasn't exactly a brilliant idea." JEREMIAH: *sulks* LIZBETH: *pulls open her package* "Perfume! Blood-scented perfume!" *sprays some on herself* "Ahhh...." *grabs Bethany and gives her a hug* "I think I'll kill you last, since you were so nice!" BETHANY: *stunned into silence by the fact that anyoneis daring to hug her* LIZBETH: *lets go* BETHANY: *stands there, looking completely shocked* "You....hugged me." LIZBETH: *carefully sets the 'perfume' aside* "Yes, and?" BETHANY: "You...hugged me! Do you have any idea how undignified that is?! People just can't hug me! I'm the future queen of the world!" JEREMIAH: *sigh* "Bethany, you've been using that excuse for everything since you were two years old and I'm telling you, it's not working." BETHANY: "Perhaps not, but at least now I have another excuse to have even less respect for you, Jeremiah!" AARON: *reappears in time to hear Bethany's words* "If you don't respect him, why haven't you torn his jaw out yet?! Hmm? Is the crypt getting too crowded?!" BETHANY: *smirks* "Actually, I still have a little respect left for him. He, unlike you, doesn't need me to baby-sit him." AARON: "Which is good, as we all know you're not much of a baby-sitter! In fact, we have to leave you in the care of one yourself. Though Keisinger wasn't my first choice." *Bethany opens her mouth to respond but is interrupted by Jeremiah* JEREMIAH: "Stop, stop! Can't you act even remotely civil to each other?" LIZBETH: "Do the words 'lost cause' mean anything to you, Jeremiah?" JEREMIAH: *gives up* "Lizbeth, let's exchange gifts--" LIZBETH: *grabs her gift from him, casually tossing a package in Jeremiah's direction, and tears in* "Ooooooh! A certificate for a week at a luxury spa! Thank you, Jeremiah! I think I'll kill you third instead of first!" *beams* JEREMIAH: *weakly* "Thank you, how generous." *opens his own present* "A...rattlesnake in a cage." LIZBETH: "He just loves to be held. Why don't you take him out?" JEREMIAH: "I'll...wait, thank you. I think he's...er...sleeping." Snake: *slithers around in its cage and rattles* LIZBETH: *does not look impressed* "Really, Jeremiah, if you don't like my gift--" JEREMIAH: *getting nervous* "Did I say that?" LIZBETH: *opens her mouth to respond but is cut off* AMBROSE: "That's it! The gift exchange is over! We're free!" AARON: *charges for the door* "Me first! Me first!" BETHANY: "No, ME!" *runs after him* AMBROSE: *brushes past them both and heads for the door, with Lizbeth right on his heels. They reach it at the same time and try to go through at once, only to find that the doorway isn't big enough and commence shouting and pushing* LIZBETH: "Ladies first!" AMBROSE: "And you're a lady?" BETHANY: *tries to shove past him* "I am! Get out of my way!" AARON: *grabs her and yanks her back* "Not before me you don't!" LIZBETH: "I'm youngest!" *tries to squeeze through* JEREMIAH: *slumps down in his chair and reaches for his wine* "Maybe if I try telepathy....Patrick: Kill Jeremiah. Patrick: Kill Jeremiah. Patrick: Kill Jeremiah...” December 25, 1922 And so ends another failed attempt to rid myself of my family. This is all Patrick's fault! If he'd only shown up as I instructed, he could have wiped them all out in a single day! I'm so very furious that if he does show up, I'm liable to forgo the entire "sick old man" facade and kill him myself! I was hoping I'd have some peace and quiet for the New Year, but now that's impossible. My family has apparently decided there is nothing better to do with their time so they will stay at the house for the remainder of the holidays, tormenting each other. As I write, Bethany is chasing Aaron past my room angrily screaming about an addition he made to her bedroom door. I always knew that having a large B carved into her door was asking for trouble, although I must admit I never expected Aaron to take advantage of the situation and paint the four remaining letters of a certain insult on her door. When Ambrose is not following after them egging them both on, he is feuding with Lizbeth. She attempted to introduce her "babies" to "Uncle Ambrose", whose opinion of his "nieces and nephews" is...certainly decisive, and not at all pleasant. And I must live with this until the second of January. Patrick is going to suffer for this! Ah, well. There's always other holidays, and I've got nothing left but time. --Jeremiah This fan-fiction story © Raevynlocks and Athena 2003, 2004.