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Ask the Death Adder
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8.22.2003
(Death Adder's note: Due
to the strong language of this letter and reply, all
adult vulgarities have been replaced with
similar words as expressed by my three-year-old
nephew. Changes are marked in italic.)
Dear Death Adder,
Many years ago I had a long term relationship with a
girl named Stephanie who basically treated me like
doo-doo and dumped me when I was in a bad
accident. Her excuse was that I didn't come see her
that entire month I was in and out of the hospital
(I had some rough surgery). Personally, I was glad
she was gone. Now I am with a girl I may marry
soon, but the miserable naughty-lady
Stephanie still calls wanting to go out and date
again. As often as I have told her "Don't call me
again," she still calls.
My
question is: How do I get this miserable
stinky-face off my back?
Sincerely,
Anguished Joe
Dear Anguished Joe,
What a bunch of horse-poopies!
Why don't you be a man for once in your life, you no
good monkey-face? Your problem isn't in
how to get the first woman to leave, but figuring
out how to get the second woman to accept Stephanie
as part of your life. This Stephanie would
make a grand ally, as her force of will seems much
stronger than your own. Whereas you are a
big elephant nose with silly teeth and funny elbows,
she is one cold-hearted meany.
By the way, Joe, I don't
mind telling you that you are a turd-smelling
boobie with ishies for brains. Now
get off my back you goofy-looking, dirty
underwear wearing, garbage-mouthed, greasy-haired,
coo-coo head.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
8.15.2003
My
fellow colleague and general Overlord:
After evaluating your very helpful and highly
entertaining "Ask The Death Adder" section at
classicgaming.com for some time, I thought it would
be nice to get in touch with you again. I have
to confess, however, that this mail isn't purely
intended to be "catching up on good times."
You see my old friend, I have a request and a
question for you. First of all, will you
please clear up to everyone that you are NOT ME in
disguise in Golden Axe II? It's hard enough to
become as well-known as you as it is. And
having to live in your shadow isn't all hunky-dory.
(I kid you not !!)
Secondly, where the hell where you last month?
Remember that you, me, and some of the other guys (Sephiroth,
Lord Kain, Kazuya Mishima, etc.) got free
entry-passes to these ridiculously high-priced WWE
wrestling show. We stood outside the arena for
hours waiting for you to show up. Is it really
that hard for you to quit playing with that Golden
Axe for one measly night ?
It's too bad that I have to put an end to this mail,
seeing as Mrs. Guld is whining about me forgetting
to mow the lawn, etc. So I say goodbye for
now, and we'll talk later.
Sincerely,
Dark Guld
Dear Dark Guld,
Believe me when I tell
you that I would love for people to quit accusing me
of playing you in disguise in Golden Axe II. I
wish they would have never even made that steaming
pile of turd, let alone make people think I would
associate my good name with it. The only worse
sequel than Golden Axe II was Breakin' 2:
Electric Boogaloo.
About the wrestling
thing, sorry I couldn't make it. I was out on
a triple-date with Hamburgler and Mayor McCheese.
They met up with the Barbie triplets and asked me to
come along. Long story short, we all woke up
the next morning in a bathtub filled with Shamrock
shakes and chicken McNuggets. And at
some point during the night, we surgically removed
Hamburglers head and replaced it in a cryogenic
freezer. When he thaws out, he's going to be
mad!
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
8.14.2003
Dear Death=Adder,
Please proofread your replies. Your grammar is
abominable! Also, when you talk, please annunciate!
You
have plundered many towns; don't tell me that you
cannot afford a dictionary!
And
sit up straight!
Sincerely,
Death=Grammar
Dear Death=Grammar,
You may not know it, but
you have tapped a into deep, deep wound that I have
kept hidden away for many years. You see, as a
boy, I was diagnosed with a rare brain disease that
can cause excessive drooling, body sweats, loss of
hair, an enlarged prostate, hypothermia, scurvy,
nosebleeds, and, oddly enough, grammatical errors.
But because of your letter, I will now face my past
and embrace myself for who I truly am. No more
hiding. No more running from my problems.
I will stand up and be a man, because I'm good
enough, I'm smart enough, and, gosh-darn it,
people like me.
I will pass your kind
words of support onto my new grammar coach, George
Bush.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
8.13.2003
Dear Death Adder,
Will you marry me?
Sincerely,
Lady Anonymous
Dear Lady Anonymous,
However much I would like
to marry you, I must refuse. My heart has been
just recently pledged to another. She sent me
an email the other day. Apparently she's an
attractive Russian woman who is just dying to meet a
rich western man who knows how to treat a lady.
I don't know why she needed me to send her my credit
card numbers and expiration dates, but I'm sure
there was a good reason.
I'll keep you posted in
case this marriage doesn't work out.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.18.2003
Dear Death Adder,
Since you are a connoisseur of evil artifacts, why
have you never gone after the One Ring? It's
powerful, it corrupts and it allows you to watch
women while they shower and perform various
household chores in the nude. The last owner was
quite the wimp. He was defeated when just a few of
his fingers were cut off, and the fact that he used
a wimpy mace.
Sincerely,
Precious, son of Luscious, son of Loquacious, son of
Frank
Dear Precious,
For a short time, I did
own the One Ring. Unfortunately, with its
great power also came a great price, which went by
the name of the One Wife. Everywhere I went
with the ring, One Wife came as well. And
sure, watching a woman sweep up dust bunnies wearing
only a frilly white apron is good, but having One
Wife there, saying "That's disgusting! How can
you enjoy watching this?" in my ear the whole time
was somewhat unnerving. Eventually I had
enough and traded the One Ring to some guy named
Smeagol in exchange for George Foreman's Lean Mean
Grillin' Machine.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
2.21.2003
Dear Death Adder,
Doesn't it annoy you that your sworn enemies
constantly knock your troops off of their steeds and
then use them against your own troops? What would
you do to fix this lack of proper training?
For
a small fee (paid in advance, of course), I can give
you the home addresses of a number of expert animal
trainers. Your shadow forces can then kidnap them in
the dead of night and whisk them away to spend long
years teaching your mounts to berserkly attack
anyone that fights competently. Then you can kill
them off and have your animals hate the heroes as
much as your troops do.
For
another small fee, I can also give you the locations
of technicians that'll rig your Mini-Catapults to
self-destruct once the bearer is killed. Also, if
you find these ideas useful, I would appreciate a
small token of thanks. Perhaps a "Minion of the
Month" plaque that I can stash and later sell for
food in the post- apocalyptic tyranny that will
follow in your conquests.
Sincerely,
Mike
Dear Mike,
You have a good strong
mind, my boy. For years the
"knock-them-off-and-use-their-own-weapons-against-them"
strategy has plagued my forces. A few months
back we thought about tying the men to the beasts,
but evil knot-tiers are hard to come by. Duct
tape caused similar problems in that it kept
sticking to my men's arm hair, and pulling that off
really hurts. And don't even get me
started about those catapults. They might as
well hurl feather pillows for all the harm they
cause my enemies.
As a reward, I grant you
the following treasures:
-
Season 1 of Family Ties
on VHS
-
A scarf I knitted from
dryer lint and human tongues
-
A signed photo of Tony
Danza
-
A half-eaten Salted Nut
Roll
-
A limited edition of "Swords
I Have Loved" by Ax-Battler
Enjoy!
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
2.20.2003
Dear Death Adder,
My
birthday's in 11 days! (When is yours?)
I didn't know what to ask for! What one thing should
this soon-to-be-13-year-old ask for this year?
I would like a new (OK, maybe not new) Golden Axe
game, but which one? There are so many games
(probably more than you and I together know!) and
it's impossible for me to choose just one.
Please help, for I only get one birthday this year
(last year I got 42) and I don't want to ruin it.
Yours Truly,
Birthday Girl
Dear Birthday Girl,
My favorite Golden Axe
game, other than my own creation
Death Adder's Slot
Machine, is a hard-to-find game called Grand
Theft Axes 3. You wander around a place called
Liberty City stealing cars, working for the mob, and
chopping heads left and right with the legendary
Golden Axe. At 13, you're too young to buy it,
and your parents probably won't give it to you, so
your best bet is just to steal it. Just keep
your hands off my copy, you little brat!
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
1.28.2003
Dear Death Adder,
I
am currently the owner of a talking horse named
Jangles. He tells jokes, sings ballads, and
performs a mildly entertaining Elvis impersonation.
On weekends he calls his girlfriend (who lives in
Toledo, a long distance call) and they chat for
hours and hours. At night when I'm in bed, he
often comes into my room and asks if I'm asleep,
when he knows darn well I am. Jangles also
enjoys Yahtzee! and Chutes and Ladders, though the
small playing pieces and dice are hard for him to
handle with his enormous hooves.
Here's my problem, Death Adder: I suspect Jangles is
sleeping with my girlfriend. My evidence
includes finding her number on his speed dial, her
bedroom smelling like manure, and a video tape in
his room titled "Sleeping With My Owner's
Girlfriend, by Jangles." How do I approach him
about this?
Sincerely,
Sorrowful in Seattle
Dear Sorrowful in
Seattle,
Jangles is a clever
adversary, my friend. Not only is he luring
your girlfriend into cheating on you, but my sources
say she is about to give birth to his
half-horse/half-man baby. If I were you, I'd
cut my losses. Break up with your girlfriend,
send in a video of Jangles singing to American's
Funniest Animals and hope to win $10,000.00, then
melt Jangles down into glue. Or, if you are
the more vengeful type, find a horsewoman of your
own and make her your bride. Then melt her
down into glue just out of spite. Either way
and there will be plenty of high quality glue for
everyone.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
11.20.2002
Dear Death Adder,
So,
you claim to be the only person to use an equal sign
in your name, do you? I, Life=Trout, use an
equal sign in *my* name!
I hate you Death=Adder. I hate you
for your lies and for gaining the success and
respect that should have been mine. I'm tired of
living in your shadow - it's just not fair!
Sure, my axe is made of bronze, and I don't look as
good as you in a pointy helmet and matching
cod-piece, but don't I deserve a chance in life?
I'm
lonely. Not even Barbarians will visit my
castle. They just make up excuses like: "I'd
love to storm your castle, Life=Trout, but I've,
err, left the gas on at home. Got to run!" or "Sorry
for not burning your castle to the ground and
kicking your arse, Life=Trout. I intended to,
but I overslept. My alarm clock was broken..
The dog ate your invitation."
I'd
try and slaughter some villagers to improve my
reputation and attract people to my castle, but,
unfortunately, I'm allergic to eagles and giant
turtles so I'm pretty much stuck at home.
I
don't really hate you Death=Adder. I hate
myself. Please help me...
Morosely,
Life=Trout
Dear Life=Trout,
You have ample reasons to
hate yourself. Most of the people I talk to
can't even stand the sound of your name.
Sometimes, at the parties you're not invited to, we
pull out the "Why We Hate Life=Trout" list and laugh
and laugh at your expense. When we're feeling
particularly naughty, we light a bag of poop on fire
and leave it on your doorstep. We have quite
the chuckle as you stomp it out with your bare feet.
Even your own mother once drained the brake fluid
from your car and then sent you on an errand at the
bottom of a really big hill. I can't think of
one reason why you should continue in the slow, sad
ruin you call a life except for the fact it makes
the rest of us feel better about ourselves.
So let that be your
beacon of hope, Life=Trout: Though you think your
life is miserable (and it is), think of all the
pleasure you give the rest of us as we mercilessly
drive you deeper and deeper into a lonely, haggard,
depressing, and revolting existence. I'd say I
envy all the good you do for the world, but I would
be lying. You really are worthless.
With much love and
respect,
The Death Adder
11.19.2002
Dear Death Adder,
Hi,
Death Adder. My name is Chris Deweese and I
was wondering if I can join your radical army?
I
would also like to talk to Sabrina for a certain
reason. Also I would like to have Sabrina's
phone number, e-mail address, and screenshots.
I would enjoy hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Chris Deweese
Dear Chris,
All applicants are
welcome to join my army. Just send your
resume, along with your current credit card numbers,
blood type, available organs for donation, and a
money order for $750.00 to:
Death Adder's Vacation Fund
101 Castle Road
Death
Adder's Castle, Yuria 66066
As far as
Sabrina goes, I'm sure you are referring to Sabrina
the Teenage Witch. For legal reasons, I am no
longer allowed to give out her personal information
(or come within 50 feet of her).
I look
forward to receiving your money.
Sincerely,
The Death
Adder
11.18.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I
decided to start body building when I first played
Golden Axe as Axe Battler. I was just seven
years old then and it took me quite some time for me
to understand why Battler had ALL that problems
defeating you? Then I realized, it was because
you where twice as tall and three times bigger?
YES! So to become a better barbarian, I
trained a lot to become BIGGER than you. I am
eighteen years old now and 1 meter and 95 cm tall
and weigh 90 kg. (I know I am still a bit skinny,
but I am working on it!!)
Anyway here's my question to the great Death Adder:
Can
you please tell me what type of training you use?
Were you a follower of the BII (brief, intense,
infrequent) or of the BIO? What is your
favorite exercise? Squats are cool, but is
lifting tons on the lat. machine better?
Sincerely,
Muscles
Dear Muscles,
When I was younger I
followed the Hulk Hogan plan: Train, Say Your
Prayers, and Eat Your Vitamins. Then I
realized it shouldn't be me saying my
prayers, by my enemies.
So I moved on to Tai-Bo,
watching "Rocky" videos, and practicing the
Macarena. In the end, though, what holds true
is something we've known for ages: Practice makes
perfect. Find yourself a small village and
terrorize it. As you do, focus on each major
muscle group in your body. For instance, as
you choke the life from your enemy, focus on your
forearms and finger dexterity. Stomping on
puppies, kittens, and old women does wonders for
your quads and calves. Brandishing a whip and
striking out at all who surround you will quickly
increase the definition in your upper arms and
shoulders.
Make sure to start with
small, insignificant villages so you don't stress
yourself out too early in your training. I
suggest looking in Spain.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
11.12.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I
am the recently created Death=Multiplier, the hybrid
clone of you and Arnold Schwarzenegger. While your
kill rate is a pathetic Y=X graph, mine is an
amazing Y=X^2! Everything you do, I can do
better. Soon, I shall replace you as the most
powerful evil being in the universe. First I must
find my pants, or at least a pair of tight-fitting
underwear that we giant people tend walk around in.
My question to you is, where are my pants?
Sincerely,
Death=Multiplier
Dear Death=Multiplier,
I have long known of your
existence, Death=Multiplier, and have prepared
accordingly. While you were using the left
over bits and pieces of Arnold's genetic makeup, I
was infusing the power of the greatest military
leaders of our time into my blood stream. My
body now contains the essence of Napoleon, Genghis
Kahn, the Hamburgler, Teddy Ruxpin, Peppermint
Patty, Cobra Commander, and McGruff the Crime Dog.
My NEW kill rate is Y=X^2
+ infinity. So take that, you pantless goof!
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
11.11.2002
Dear Death Adder,
My name is Kyoko Minazuki, a school nurse at
Justice High School. You are the sorriest excuse
of a villain I've ever seen. You're pathetic,
stupid, barbaric, and lame. You've gotten your
butt kicked so many times it's not funny.
Why don't you give up?!! Even Mario's Koopa is
better that you!! You are not even the most evil
person I've ever seen. That title goes to
Dracula. He's MUCH sexier, he dresses a lot
better than you (he has more clothing that you,
all you have is that stupid helmet, cape and
codpiece. WEAR A FREAKIN' SHIRT!! YOU'RE SCARING
THE WORLD WITH YOUR UGLY, DIRTY, FILTHY GARBAGE
YOU CALL A BODY!!! I bet you're ugly!!) He can
seduce and get women. You?!! You have the sex
appeal of the ugliest man on Earth! You're so
ugly, you could be a modern art master piece! One
more thing before I end this lovely letter......I
THINK YOU'RE ALSO GAY!! No wonder you hang out
with mostly guys!! HA HA HA!!
I'm too sexy for a woman of your taste! You can't
get me to go out with you, you filthy, nasty hentai
(it means 'pervert' if you're too stupid to know
Japanese)!
Love,
Kyoko Minazuki (Head Nurse for Justice High
School)
Dear Kyoko,
You raise many
interesting points that a thoughtful man should
consider. While it is true I've lost a few
battles, am not the prettiest man in the world,
and once lost in a dancing competition to John
Travolta, I am a good guy once you get to know me.
Just the other day a man on the street asked if he
could borrow a quarter. Not only did I give
him the quarter, but I also bought him a cup of
coffee, donut, and a cool looking beret.
Then, afterwards, I ate his children. I did
this because I like helping my fellow man.
So I'm sorry if we
disagree on some issues. Might I suggest we
get together sometime to talk them over?
Perhaps you can bring your children. And
please wear your nurse's outfit. Hubba-hubba!
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
11.10.2002
Lord Death Adder,
I'm Asteroth, one of Lady Death's many enemies.
Since Chaos went out of business and there's no
more work for me in the comics realm, I was
wondering if perhaps you might want another loyal
subject for your army. I'm a muscular centaur with
great supernatural ability. Plus, I'm excellent at
close range combat. I could be a valuable ally to
you. What do you say? I'm in serious need of a
leader. I'm going through property destruction
withdrawal. I need to strike fear into the hearts
of mortals once again!
Sincerely,
Asteroth
Dear Asteroth,
Your proposition
interests me. While my army is always in
need of good, strong evil-doers, what I'm
currently in short supply of is someone who can
make a really good cheese omelet. If one of
your supernatural abilities is to separate egg
yolks from egg whites, I've got a great job that
you're sure to enjoy.
Please send me your
current stats: height, weight, age, and a photo
wearing a "Kiss the Chef" apron and I'll see what
I can do.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.31.2002
Dear Death Adder,
My name is Rena Lanford of Arlia Village. I was
online one day and I found your site. I
heard that you are very smart and you give good
advice so I hope that you can help me on some
problems that I've been having...
Question 1: There's is this boy named Claude
that I seem to like. He is very cute but he is a
jerk. Should I continue to love him? A childhood
friend of mine, Dias, told me he's gay. Is that
true?
Question 2: I heard that you have a military
academy for teenagers. I was wondering how I
would enlist? I am a Nedian (Elf-type races) I
can heal wounds from minor to the most fatal. I
heard that you can get promoted to officer
rankings in your military and the pay is good.
Question 3: I heard that you have a
son...How old is he and where is he at and is he a
person for a girl to be with?
Well I hope that you can help me out I'd
appreciate it! Take care.
Rena Lanford
Dear Rena,
Three questions.
Three answers. Here we go:
Answer 1: Time to
face the facts on Claude. He's a loser.
He can't fight. He can't dance. He
can't juggle. And from what I've heard, he
can't even bake delicious peach cobbler. To
further compound this, I believe he's from Spain,
and I can't stand those guys. If you're
looking for a man, see Answer 3.
Answer 2: There's
always room in my army for industrious youth like
yourself. Your healing ability will be
especially useful, as my army always seems to get
royally pummeled in every battle. And while
there is no "official" pay, you can plunder any
village we attack and after each battle . . . all
the delicious peach cobbler you can eat!
Answer 3: My son,
Death Adder Junior, though a daily disappointment
to me, might make a fine spouse to any woman.
He does have a few problems, though. He's
not very bright, he has bad posture, and his hands
are covered with an odd smelling fungus. You
should also be aware that his left eye often pops
out of its socket when he's laughing, and his
spine is on the outside of his skin. He also
has a dog name Mr. Yappers who eats babies.
I look forward to
seeing your application.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.30.2002
Dear Death Adder,
The other day on the bus to our school, my sister
asked me a question. The question was:
Which do you like best? Daddy or chips?
After struggling all day to come up with an answer
to her, I returned home, where my daddy stole one
of my chips Mummy had made for me. So I told my
sister that I liked chips best.
Suddenly she jumped up and shot magic eye beams at
Daddy that made him disappear, and she told me
that she hoped I was happy with my choice.
For a few minutes I was, but once I finished my
chips, I started to feel a bit sad, as Daddy
wasn't there to read me stories or play with me.
I
regret choosing chips and not daddy. Is
there anyway you can bring him back to me? He
looks a bit like one of the Bad Brothers. If
I can't have Daddy, can I have one of them
instead?
Sincerely,
Sophie, aged 7, from a valley someplace in Wales
Dear Sophie,
I sympathize with your
plight, I really do. When I was your age, I
traded my daddy in for a sack of marbles, a tube
of airplane glue, and a half-eaten turnip.
The reason you're sad is because you could
have gotten so much more for him. I alone
would have given you some fish and chips
for your father. Rather than regretting the
loss of your father, you should talk to your
sister about harnessing that awesome power of
hers. Perhaps you could open a
Kill-Your-Enemies/All-You-Can-Eat-Chips store.
There's plenty of people I would like to eat.
Well, I should say there are plenty more
people I would like to eat.
As for the Bad
Brothers, they have enough orphaned children to
worry about as it is. They don't need your
salty-fingered hands pulling on their pant legs.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.28.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I
am a mad scientist. I experiment with things
every Sunday. (WA-CHOO!) I (WA-CHOO!) got sick from
my most recent experiment. Every time I
perform one, something bad happens. (WA-CHOO!)
Like this morning, this dude told me (WA-CHOO!) that
toilets flush counterclockwise (WA-CHOO!) in the
Northern Hemisphere, and clockwise in the (WA-CHOO!)
Southern Hemisphere. So I flushed one exactly on the
Equator... It (WA-CHOO!) erupted in my face. I
(WA-CHOO!) now have no face, and my brain was washed
out of my skull (actually half of it). The
missing half was replaced by a hunk of turd!
(WA-CHOO!) And last week, I tried to punch a
brick wall with my left arm, since it has never
punched one before. That pathetic arm broke off!
(WA-CHOO!) What do I do?!?
Yours Truly,
Really, REALLY (WA-CHOO!) Mad Scientist
Dear Really, REALLY Mad
Scientist,
What can I say?
You've got some serious issues to resolve. My
first piece of advice would be to stop flushing
toilets, as you seem to have some aversion to the
activity. This includes at home, at
restaurants, or even if you are at a friend's house
after a very big chili dinner.
The other thing I would
suggest is a change of careers. The whole mad
scientist thing doesn't seem to be working out.
Seeing as you are a one-armed, half-a-brain, you
might want to think about a career in politics.
Or perhaps lend yourself to medical experiments.
That's how I got on track to make my first million
dollars.
Good luck,
The Death Adder
10.27.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I
have been your fan since I first beat you at the
Arcades, and I even bought the Genesis version of
your game. But one fact has troubled me. How
much the Amazons weigh and what there age is.... I
bet you know the answer to that.
Also, what was the deal with that extra level after
beating you?
Best regards to the Chicken Leg,
Yosele "El Indio" Tapia
Dear Yosele,
Let me answer your second
question first. You can never really defeat
me. Like a well-tossed boomerang, I always
come back. I'm also like a boomerang in that I
often hit Australians.
To answer your first
question about the weight and age of the Amazons, I
went and asked them personally, and here is their
reply:
"You want to know our weight, do you? How
'bout I come and stand on your chest for a while,
you puny punk. How would that be?"
Hopefully that answers
your questions.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.18.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I
am writing to you in wicked desperation. To be
brief, I am the Doughboy...yes THE Doughboy,
formerly known as Pillsbury Doughboy and I have
escaped the clutches of imprisonment once again from
an evil (but amateur) tyrant named Storm.
For
almost a week now he has been keeping me imprisoned
in his freezer and poking me with a sharp utensil
for his own sadistic enjoyment. What's more is that
while I was imprisoned in this freon facilitating
and frosty chamber of death, I was not allowed to
run my usual muck of pestilence to rot and poison
the food of mortal man. And even more so, I was not
allowed to spread my usual high dosage of monosodium
glutamate in the factory's cookie dough this past
week.
I
was lucky enough that one of the tyrants' cohorts
thought it malicious enough to steal his desert and
once they took me out of that infernal frost
machine.......I poked 'em to death with a butter
knife!!!!!! Muhuahahaha. This reminds me of the last
foolish tyrant who tried to imprison me in that
factory long ago. An evil man by the name of
Pillsbury. Oh, I got my vengeance on him. When
I bit his ankle and he fell into a big batch of Grands
cinnamon roll dough. He-he! They never found
him either. That'll teach that bastard to poke
me.
Well, since then I've been in total control of the
company, forging his signatures when asked to bring
out a new line of cookies. And every week I
would spread my pestilence in those stale batches of
cookie dough until now. I can't bear to think that
the sheer staleness of those cookies and cinnamon
rolls alone is enough to spread true pestilence upon
mankind. What should I do? I was
thinking, perhaps I should turn up the volume a bit
to make up for lost time. I was thinking more
along the lines of Anthrax cookies. What do
you think?
Sincerely,
The
Doughboy (formerly Pillsbury Doughboy)
Dear Doughboy,
What can I say?
You've lived a hard and troublesome life. Your
plight nearly brings a tear to this cruel man's
heart. But you mustn't wallow in your own
pity, my sweet, doughy friend, but reach out and
conquer the world in your own way. I would
avoid the Anthrax cookies, as there's not much money
in that. Instead, why not create a new,
impossible-to-resist morsel of goodness. That
way, you can not only addict the masses, but make a
hefty profit.
Might I suggest a deep
fat fried chocolate marshmallow dipped in fudge,
surrounded by brown sugar, honey, roasted almonds,
rainbow sprinkles, and crack cocaine?
Good luck,
The Death Adder
10.16.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I
want to say hello. And I want to say, "What's
your name? What's your name?" Are you a bad,
bad, bad, bad guy? Are my dreams scary because
you're in them?
Stop scaring me, please.
Sincerely,
Julien
Dear Julien,
I'm sorry I've been
scaring you. I often appear in people's
dreams, but usually those of women, and most of them
don't complain.
To help your problem, I
have lowered the setting on my Dream Impeder 2000
machine. If I continue to haunt your slumber,
there is a sure-fire way to solve the problem.
Instead of sleeping in your regular bed, try
sleeping in the car. If you keep the car in
the garage, make sure to keep it running, as you
don't want to get cold at night.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.15.2002
Dear Death Adder
I've noticed an eerie resemblance between the "Bad
Brothers" and Uncle Phil
from the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." There is
further evidence in the fact
that Uncle Phil seems to posses the ability to pick
and throw people smaller
than he is (such as the DJ Jazzy Jeff), a skill one
would acquire as a
Henchman for Death Adder.
I decided ask the supreme authority on matters like
this (yourself) for an
explanation. Did one of the Bad Brothers (or
perhaps more) go on to an
acting career and eventually landed the part of
Uncle Phil? Is Uncle Phil a
long lost triplet of one of the bad brothers? Or is
he simply a genetic
anomaly?
Thanks for your infinite wisdom,
Yarharhar, The Pirate Captain of Evil.
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Dear Yarharhar,
Good eye, Captain of
Evil. As you can see, they are clearly one in
the same, though you have it backwards. The
Bad Brothers did not become actors, Uncle Phil
became one of my henchmen. I long admired the
way he belittled his family and treated their
butler, Geoffrey, as a second class citizen.
As a reward for his years of dedication to stamping
out freedom and original thought, I allowed him to
join my army. As further reward, I had him
cloned (you can't have too much of a good thing).
Though you know of only two bad brothers, they
number in the millions. Soon, my army will
move out into the world, conquering all who stand in
their way. My "attack of the clones" will be
unlike any the world has ever seen.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.14.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I
live underground in a big pit, and I am blind. I
also wear a mask that makes me look like a gimp, and
a thong. Recently I was on a TV show about violent
psychopaths but because I am blind, I accidentally
walked into the wrong studio, and was accosted by a
man with flapping wrists, who told me I had it all
wrong, and that thongs and leather masks were out.
His comments saddened me deeply, so I carved him up
with the blades I like to wear on my hands. Even
though it left me feeling good, I can't stop
thinking about the insults to my dress sense and its
been eating me inside. Even blind gimps have
feelings!
As
the best dressed evil thing, can you suggest a new
look for me, that says violent and insane, but also
looks stylish, builds on my best feature (my ass)
and comes with a matching hat?
Many thanks,
Voldo
Dear Voldo,
First off, let me
alleviate any guilt you may have: You were right to
kill that man. Who does he think he is to go
around saying what looks good and what doesn't?
That's MY job.
The secret to fashion
success, my blind, gimpy friend, is to accessorize.
Don't go with just one main statement, but mix and
match. For instance, a nice combo might be a
suit of armor and a ventriloquist dummy. Or
how about a pair of tinfoil pants matched up with
shoes made from a lacquered trout? Though you
may want originality, don't neglect the classics,
and don't be afraid to revolutionize. If you
want to wear a hockey mask, don't carry a machete
for your weapon (been there, done that).
Instead, use a curling iron, or perhaps a shopping
cart filled with hair.
Voldo, old friend, if I
can offer once piece of advice, it's this: If it
feels good, do it. If it feels bad, kill it.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
9.20.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I've been having this sleeping problem lately.
For the last several nights, I've been strangely
waking up every 2 hours. I asked my friend
about it and she said I was probably having
nightmares. But I wasn't. She said someone
else was probably waking me up every 2 hours, just
like the situation where another friend of mine had
to be woken up every 2 hours because of a broken
nose. I said the house was in perfect silence.
She suggested that someone needed me and was trying
to contact me. I believe this is a distinct
possibility. But who? Is it you? Is it
Mach Two? Is someone even in need of me?!
I tell you, I've never been more confused.
Yours truly,
Junior
Dear Junior,
Your "friend" is lying to
you. In fact it is her who has been
waking you. The stranger question is why.
My best guess is that she's laying eggs in your ear,
and in a few months, her larvae brood will watch and
burrow into your brain -- just like what happened to
Chekov in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn.
If I were you I'd sleep with a pillow over each ear,
or plug up each one with a Babel Fish.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
9.19.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I
hope not to offend you by asking you of this
question: Is it true when I say that in your
world there are a lot of life forms? Because we can
see humanoids (the Golden Axe protagonists or your
Amazons), titans (you), skeletons, shadow warriors,
etc
See
you soon,
Guido
Dear Guido,
Personally, I like the
world being filled with so many life forms. It
reminds me of the circle of life, the fragile
ecosystem, and my small place within it. Each
day I sit back and muse at the beauty of a
butterfly, the grace of a fish in water, and the
sound of a chipmunk drowning in a large pot of
boiling acid.
I'll be seeing you
sooner,
The Death Adder
9.18.2002
Dear Death Adder,
Are
you are that you are the only tyrant in
history cool enough to deserve an equal sign in your
your name? This is quite clearly seen during the
'attract' mode of the Golden Axe game. I mean, when
I first came up to an old cabinet of this game in
the arcade, I wasn't very impressed, but seeing
Gilius Thunderhead's brother killed by a
'Death=Adder', the only thing that went through my
mind was "Holy crap, this guy actually has an *equal
sign* in his title."
Most villains have to make do with using spaces
between their name, using compound words, and even
the rare villain is worthy of a hyphen. True, there
have been a few other villains with math symbols in
their name (Toguro Ototo 100% and Q*Bert spring to
mind), but you, sir, carry the unique honor of an
equal sign. Those pansies Death Bringer and
Death Adder Jr. may talk tough, but I think that
your credentials are far more impressive than
theirs.
Anyway, as for my questions:
1)
What is the meaning of the equal sign?
2)
Why aren't you pimping that equal sign more often?
It'd strike fear into those bulked-out,
Vaseline-covered manboys in pastel bikini briefs
that call themselves barbarians.
Sincerely,
Golden-Silver
Dear Golden Silver,
You're right. On
occasion I do break out the equals sign when
necessity takes place. There is something
rather ominous about two horizontal lines in my
name. Many times, in the heat of battle, I've
seen my enemies (like Gilius' mother) trying to
figure out what they were all about, and, while she
was distracted, I chopped of her elfish head.
An interesting note is
that Joseph Stalin, when he originally ran for the
title of Russian Dictator, used the name
"Joseph=Stalin". After being defeated by Mayor
McCheese, if memory serves me right, he quickly
dropped the equals sign and four years later one his
position.
To answer your questions:
1) The sign means,
quite simply, that Death is in fact equal to
Adder. Imagine how silly it would be to have a
name like "Death <= Adder" or even stranger, "Death
<> Adder".
2) I no longer use
the equals sign as it saves my kingdom over $2.00 a
year in typing transactions.
Sincerely,
Death=Adder
8.06.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I recently gave my uncle
an Atomic Wedgie. The problem is that I have split him in two--all the way
up to his neck. He's having slight difficulty forgiving me.
Please, King of all Losers, tell me what I can do.
Sincerely,
Wedge
Dear Wedge,
You uncle is quite shortsighted. Being
split nearly in half has many advantages. For one, he doesn't have
to step around fire hydrants or sleeping dogs like the rest of us.
His cleaved body can easily traverse over the top. And it will be
much easier for doctors to check on his colon, pancreas, or thorax (if he
has one). You might want to make mention that there are only a
precious few individuals torn in half by their own underwear walking
around these days, that might make him feel special.
As to your second claim, that I am the King of
all Losers, I've got a little message for you. If being a loser
means that you never win, or even come close to winning, and often run
home, tail tucked between your legs, tears streaming down your face,
crying out to your mommy, well then, Mr. Tough Guy, I guess I am a
loser.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
8.02.2002
Dear Death Adder,
Are you almost done in
there? I have to use the bathroom real bad. Come on!
You've been in there for over an hour. I have to go! Are you
writing in a novel in there or what? I can't hold it much longer...
Sincerely
Gotstogo
Dear Gotstogo,
Such delicate procedures take time, my boy.
Patience will be your best ally. And remember: Possession is
9/10 of the law.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.26.2002
Dear Death Adder,
My wife and I are now
having our sixth child in as many years. Because of our extreme baby
production, I am rapidly running out of money to support my family.
Our new-found poverty and house-run-amuck with children make my wife
severely depressed. To add to our woes, the only thing that cures
her depression is sweet, sweet lovemaking--which in turn produces even
MORE babies!
What can I do?
Sincerely,
Old Man in a Shoe
Dear Old Man in a Shoe,
Your problem is simple, really. I brew a
special concoction that cures all depression. Please send your wife
to my castle Saturday night around 7:30 pm. Send her alone as it's a
super secret recipe that I can only give to a precious few. Expect
her home sometime Sunday morning, or perhaps Monday if things go well.
Also, please tell her to dress in something
alluring. And have her bring a bottle of tequila. And it's
usually best if she leaves her wedding ring (or any pictures of you) at
home.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.02.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I am YOUR evil clone. Or
are you MY evil clone? Anyway, I have a few questions:
1) Don't hate me
for this question, but are you and Death Bringer somehow related?
2) Is Death Adder
Jr. an only child?
3) Who would win in
an all-goes-battle-to-the-death, Death Bringer or Junior? (My
money's on Junior, for he can beat me with one hit, and D. B. NEVER wins.)
4) I'm 430 years
old. Am I able to join your army? In that big war, we could
both hide in a different area. I could pop out and attack then I
would go back in hiding. A second later, you could do the same. That
would confuse the living daylights out of anyone.
Sincerely,
Death Adder, Mach Two
Dear Mach Two,
It has been many years, old friend, since we
crossed paths, and you no little more than when we last spoke.
1) Death Bringer is just a fictitious
invention to scare children -- just like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny,
Michael Jackson, and Spain.
2) All children are mine in a way, since
I know all their mothers personally.
3) Junior would win the battle nine times
out of ten. He always carries a secret supply of Mentos.
4) A good plan, but a true Death Adder
would never hide. (Unless Ms. Death Adder finds out he forgot to
clean the toilet again.)
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.01.2002
Dear Death Adder,
It has come to the
attention of the IRS that you have not paid your taxes in over fifty
years. You are asked to please bring all of the money out of your treasure
room and leave it on the front porch of the White House labeled "I-O-U".
Cooperation would be greatly appreciated. If you do not follow our
demands, we will evict you from Death Adder's Castle. Have a nice
day!
Sincerely,
The IRS
Dear IRS,
There must be some kind of mistake. I am
a nonprofit entity, neither making or losing money, only living my life
for the betterment of mankind. Sure, I may have a few more piles of
gold than the average fools on the street, but that's only because I'm
better than them--much, much better.
But, to help do my part, I hereby grant the IRS
my complete stock holdings in Enron, WorldCom, and Pets.com.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
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