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Ask the Death Adder
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11.07.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I'm now in my eighth year
of college and still a little unsure at what my major should be.
Originally, I hoped to go into psychology, but the boys at my frat house
Kegga-Drinka-Kegga want me to major in "Babe-ology" or "that kind of
doctor who makes ladies open their legs." My girlfriend Katie wants
me to study poetry because I'm real good with words and such. The
KDK boys don't disagree with her, but sometimes I think they're
more interested in obtaining pictures of her in the shower than they are
of plotting my future. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Lost in College
Dear Lost in College,
In all your confusion, I believe I found the
perfect career: photo journalism. Imagine how satisfying it would be
to see pictures you took published in a syndicated magazine. Whereas
some create with words, rhyme and meter, you will create beauty with
pictures. Start with a subject close to your heart, like Katie.
Take pictures of her in all natural settings, like dormitory showers, and
send them to me for evaluation. You might just be the next Peter
Parker!
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
11.06.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I'm a hard-working troll,
living under a bridge just to the left of the "evil" side of town.
When women and children stroll atop my bridge, I drag them into the water
and thump them on their heads with a tree branch. It's a good job,
with many rewards.
Last week a trio of goats
crossed my bridge. The little one conned me into going after the
medium one. The medium one conned me into going after the big one.
And the big one kicked the living crap out of me.
What can I do to protect
myself from such atrocities? I'm tired of being a victim my whole
life just for doing my job.
Sincerely,
Troll #62B
Dear Troll #62B,
Goats are violent by their nature. They
are also very clever. I once went a whole year before I suspected it
was a goat that had implanted my wife with many, many cloven-hoofed
babies.
Your best chance is to outsmart them at their
own game. Spend the next few weeks growing and cultivating a
beautiful field of scrumptious grass. Then, when they are lured
across your bridge to eat the grass, dump boiling acid on their hides!
They'll never see that one coming.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
11.05.2001
Dear Death Adder,
My name is Eric Ambrose.
Though I am Scottish, I lived in Japan when I was 7 years old.. I had a
lot of friends that were girls, but had to move back to Scotland when I
was 9. Now I have this problem. One of the girls has sent me a
letter saying that she misses me and she loves me . . . the problem is:
I don't know who it is. I heard that you have a brilliant psychic
power to look into the memories of one's mind. Tell me who sent me
this letter.
Here are a list of my
friends in Japan: Kaho Morii, Honoka Sawatari, Asuka Hoshino, Emiru
Nagakura, Rurika Yamamoto, Wakana Ayasaki, Akira Endou, Chie Matsuoka,
Yuu Nanase, Miyuki Hosaka, Manami Sugihara and, Taeko Adachi. Please
tell me the girl who sent me this letter . . . I want to be with that girl
for the rest of my life. Which girl do you like that I have listed?
Sincerely,
Eric Ambrose
Dear Eric,
Oddly enough, the letter was written by all
the girls collectively. Each loves you more than the previous.
Some may see this as a wondrous gift, but beware, friend. These
women are vile temptresses, especially Miyuki and Akira! Before you
know it, they will have you running lint brushes across their sweaters,
feeding their Chow-Chows $20 steaks, and clipping coupons from the Sunday
paper.
My advice to you: Stay in Scotland.
Find a broad shouldered, dim-witted, hairy-chested woman and settle down.
(Such a woman should not be hard to find, especially in Scotland.)
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.24.2001
Dear Death Adder,
My daughter wants to play
girl's hockey for Wallace Junior High, but I'm not so sure it's safe.
As her mother, I still see her as the fragile little girl I gave birth to.
When I watch televised hockey there are all the fist-fights and shoving
and I worry. Is it safe to let me daughter out of her reinforced
concrete fortress and into the world? How about the steel shackles
on her arms and legs, should I take those off too? I worry so much
about what might happen when I peal the iron mask from her face.
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Momma Mia
Dear Momma Mia,
You're right to worry. What kind of
mother would let her child go to public school? Not even the Death
Adder himself would wander into one of those after dark. Public
schools are unholy places and it's best to stay far, far away.
But if she insists on playing I would leave her
in that iron mask, it will offer much more protection on the ice.
Ice skating while wearing shackles might give her some problems, but
children need to know they can overcome difficult tasks.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.23.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I've got a problem (a big
one) with people who eat meat out of cans. I'm talking chunky tuna,
Chef Boyardee Pasta with Meatballs, Spam, or Dinty Moore Beef Stew.
It's all got issues with me.
What are you, animals?
You filthy beasts, I wouldn't feed a rabid dog what you're eating--not
even if the choice was between feeding it that canned meat or my left arm.
I hate you. No, really. I HATE you. What's a matter with
you people? It's meat in a can! A can!
Sincerely,
Meat-in-a-Can . . .
No Way!
Dear Meat-in-a-Can . . . No Way!,
If the choice is between having canned meats or
lowering the hatred in this world by one person, I choose the canned meat
every time. What you need to do is channel that rage into something
truly productive, like smashing the entire canned meat inventory at a
supermarket. Or just smashing things in general.
It may just brighten your day . . .
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.22.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Here's what's bugging me:
My husband leaves the empty shampoo bottles in the bathtub area, rather
than throwing them away. He always claims there is still more in the
bottle. He's the same way with toothpaste. He'll keep
squeezing and squeezing that bottle to get every last drop out of that
tube. And when it's time to "process" our herd of cattle, he'll
personally strangle each cow with his bare hands--sometimes taking over an
hour per animal. He claims there is still life in their "slimy,
worthless, cowhides!" Sometimes I'll leave for lunch and when I come
back he'll still be straddled over some lifeless beast, his hands wrapped
around its throat, with that wild look in his eye.
How can I get him to just
let go?
Sincerely,
Sally Speed-It-Up
Dear Sally,
Here is a man who is truly living up to the
phrase "Carpe Diem" and you want to stomp all over him?!? Rather
than discount his gallant use of all God has given him, you should learn
from his example. Next time you feel the desire to throw out a tube
of toothpaste, give it one more squeeze and see what happens. Or if
you're in the field, give that cow an extra strangle or two, just to make
sure it's dead. Both your husband and the cow will appreciate the
efforts.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.19.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Recently, my wife
discovered the wonders of pornography. Since then, she spends the
greater part of her day browsing internet sex-chat rooms, buying XXX porn
magazines, and selling movies of her and me engaged in acts of "love" to
the neighbor kids. I find all of this distracts from my main love in
life: growing the world's longest toenails.
I want to find a way to
combine our hobbies, but she claims my toenails are like "horrible,
horrible razors tearing into [her] flesh." And from my perspective,
I don't like the way she gives are love-making videos titles like "Dr.
Strangetoes" or "Episode 1: The Toenail Menace" or "Beautiful Woman Makes
Disgusting Perverted Love to a Horribly Disfigured Man-Beast."
What should we do?
Sincerely,
Joe ToeNail
Dear Joe ToeNail,
Some might say it's time to cut off those
toenails in order to preserve the sanctity of your marriage. And if
someone tells you that, you ignore them.
It's rare today that people make a goal so
important to the betterment of all the world, like your long toenails are
sure to give. Just think of all the things the average person needs
to stab to death that are no more than three inches off the ground.
You will be the hero to millions. Most people, like me, are saving
their toenails in a air-tight baggies for the coming apocalypse, but if
you got 'em, flaunt 'em, brother. And if it means your "out of touch
with reality wife" leaves you, let her go.
Toenails can be a man's best friend.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.18.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Something has been
bothering my dog and he wanted me to bring it to your attention.
According to him, "Ruff-ruff, rowf-rowf-rowf. Aroooooo!
Grrrrrrr! Ruff-rowf-ruff. Pant-ruff-rowf-ruff-grrrrrrrrr!
[Licks hind legs and buttocks] Ruff-ruff, rowf-rowf!"
I hope you can help, I
don't know where else to turn.
By the way, he's a
brown dog.
Sincerely,
Sad Poochie
Dear Sad Poochie,
Your dog, as well as your family, is sickened
by the site of you. Rather than face you, they would just as well
put their own faces into their hind-quarters. Don't let their
opinion of you (as a pathetic, helpless loser) keep you from your
ultimate goal: living an insignificant, and, hopefully, short life.
Your dog also recommends adding water to his
dry dog food. According to him, "It makes its own gravy, you
bastard."
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.17.2001
Dear Death Adder,
What's your take on this
recent terrorist attack on the Twin Towers in New York? What about
that Osama guy? Is he taking some of the mass murder media coverage
away from you? Are you mad that you didn't think of that kind of
thing first? Or do you have better ways of killing large masses of
people? What about the new war? That's gotta make you pretty
happy right? Do you recommend that the terrorists use Anthrax?
I'm sure you've got some better ideas, huh?
Sincerely,
What's the Scoop
Dear What's the Scoop,
As you can tell from my lack of updates, I
have experienced first-hand what this new terror has caused. What
kind of world is it where even I, the Death Adder, can not lurk in my
very own castle due to a Anthrax scare?
Wars are fought best when they are fought the
old-fashioned way: Put your armies in one long line and storm them
right at the enemies well-fortified defenses. Sure, thousands of
lives might be lost, but that's how wars are fought, friend.
President Bush and I have had long, heated negotiations
on this very subject. I am in favor of an all-out assault on all
nations everywhere. He keeps jabbering on about something
else. We'll have to wait and see.
Osama has picked the wrong battle,
anyway. He should be focusing on recovering the Golden Axe.
That's where the real power lies.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.16.2001
Dear Death Adder,
These kids today.
Boy, oh, boy, they've got me steamed! All that jive-talking,
loose-pants-wearing, green-hair-coloring, body-piercing crap has got to
go. Why, just yesterday, this snot-nosed puke comes up to me and
says, "Hey, you old bastard, quit leering at my daughter through
the bathroom window!" And then, the day before that, some
other eel-eating gang-banger had the audacity to tell me to quit peeing
into his baby stroller. So I says to him, I says, "Hey, I got
news for you, you eyeglass-wearing, eyebrow-combing pansy, I don't
answer to your olive-colored-pants-wearing sissy-self." Do
you follow this so far, Death Adder?
Anyway, I want to show
these one-glove, long-haired, good-for-nothings, a thing or two . . . or
THREE!
Where should I start?
Sincerely,
Mr. Crotchety
Dear Mr. Crotchety,
You're on the right track. You've
identified the problem, but now you need to act.
Step one is to acquire a good supply of penguins.
Emperor penguins are best, but any type will do in a pinch. Then
get several "utility" grade meat thermometers. Cotton
swabs are also a must. You'll also need the transmission from a
'73 Dodge Dart (but I bet I didn't need to tell you that).
Once you have them all collected, then you'll be ready. Their day
is coming . . . their day is coming.
(If you are having trouble finding some of
these items, try searching my new customized online department store at
http://www.penguins-thermometers-swabs-and-transmissions.com.)
Good luck,
Death Adder
10.09.2001
Dear Death Adder,
This past weekend I
attended my father's funeral. During the burial services, a bully
from my elementary school days (who I hadn't seen for twenty-some years)
showed up drunk and screaming vulgarities. He made passes at my
widowed mother and aunts. He played peek-a-boo with the coffin lid
for a few minutes before vomiting inside and laughing.
Then, out of nowhere,
he backed the hearse up to the coffin, strung a metal chain between the
bumper and the coffin, and then went driving off, the coffin clattering
along behind him. The coffin and hearse were found a few miles
down the road, but the body has yet to turn up.
Just this morning I saw
the bully wearing my father's burial suit, and when I confronted him, he
acted as if he didn't know what I was talking about.
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Mourning Maven
Dear Mourning Maven,
If your father could hear you talking, he
would be glad he was dead. What a coward you must be. If I
had been you, I would have climbed onto that coffin as the bully drove
away and rode it like a bucking steed. Then, when the bully got
out of the car, I would have used my father's lifeless limbs to beat the
man senseless. This would have been the approach of most
rational-thinking folks, like myself.
The bright side to the story is that there is
hope for you. That empty coffin of your father's is now available
for your weak-willed body--so at least you won't be a further burden on
your family when you die.
(On a side note, your mother is quite
attractive. If she's over what's-his-name, let her know I'm still
thinking about her.)
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.08.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I recently returned
from a trip to Paris. The entire time I was there, no one showed
me the proper respect by speaking my language. I mean, I'm in
their country as a guest, and this is the best they can treat me?
And their restaurants were filled with foreign foods. I
don't want those. I want American delicacies like Buffalo wings
and Chalupas. Lastly, who do I need to talk to about their toilet
paper. If it ain't two-ply, it ain't touching my tushie.
Sincerely,
Mad About the Town
Dear Mad About the Town,
Paris, and greater France for that matter,
suffers from too many years of sharing a border with Spain. What
can you expect under those circumstances?
Despite their problems, Paris has given us
many, many wondrous creations--like bloody revolutions, centuries of
warfare, and the guillotine. And that Napoleon, despite his
faults, should be a hero to all children everywhere.
As far as toilet paper--real men use cactus.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.04.2001
Dear Death Adder,
My name is Kyle Katarn.
I'm a hero of the Rebel Alliance and soon-to-be Jedi Knight. I'm
on a mission right now to avenge my father's death and stop Jerec, a
Sith Lord, from taking over the universe by feeding himself with the
power of thousands of Jedi Knights in the lost Valley of the Jedi, but
here is the problem . . .
My destiny is to stop
Jerec, but something tells me to take over the Valley's power.
What do you think? Should I choose the light side or the dark
side.
Qu Rahn
said that choosing the Light side would gain me compassion, wisdom,
love, plus justice no matter the years. The Dark side is a life
filled with power, lust, greed, and hatred that leads to a short,
unhappy life.
The
Light-side abilities include healing, persuasion, blinding, and
protection while the Dark-side abilities include Grip, Destruction,
Bolts, and throw.
Which path
should I choose? What would you choose if you were in my
situation?
Desperate-to-choose-the-light-or-dark-side,
Kyle
Katarn
Dear Kyle,
Whether to be good or evil,
whether to join the Light or the Dark, this is a question faced by all
mankind. Like many, though, you aren't looking at the big
picture. You could take side with one or the other, but then you
would be playing by their rules. Here's what the Death Adder would
do:
Instead of the "Light"
side or the "Dark" side, create your own "Somewhat
Hazy" side. Or if that's been taken, create an "Early
Dusk" side. Once established, glean the best from the Light
and Dark and then use that power to destroy them both.
Just let MY famous words guide
you, "Do or do not. There is no try."
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.03.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Every time I have gas, a
dark fog comes out from inside me. Could this be some kind of dark
force taking me over?
If it isn't, can I join
your army as a chemical weapon?
Sincerely,
Dark Fog
Dear Dark Fog,
If I were a betting man, I would wager it's not
a dark force taking over your body, but a simple matter of too many burritos.
At this time I am not hiring
"smelly" villains, as I have my fill of their ilk. Your
next best bet is to try finding work at a turkey processing plant. You
get the benefits of indiscriminate killing, but without the fuss of
being noticed for your "special" problem.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
10.02.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I have a crippling fear
of clowns. There is something about the way their faces are painted
to look like a smile, even if they are scowling, that freaks me out.
Also, what's with the big shoes? I am sure they're hiding
weapons in there. And what is living in those multi-colored
wigs? Flesh-eating bugs for sure!
Are there really 32
clowns that sneak into my car to sleep at night? Is an invisible dog
on a leash going to break loose and attack me as I walk to the mailbox?
Is a clown is going to blow up a balloon, twist it into a sword, and hack
me to death!
Help me, Death Adder.
How can I protect myself and stop living in fear?
Sincerely,
I. P. Mipants
Dear I. P. Mipants,
You are right to be afraid. History is
filled with stories of insatiable clown bloodlust. When they're
not knocking over old ladies or thieving kidneys from orphans, nine
times out of ten they can be found lurking around farmhouses hoping to
molest a horse.
The question is: What can the average person
do to protect themselves? Only one thing can stop the beating of a
evil fueled clown-heart: Strangling them with wrinkle-free cotton Dockers.
A quick machete blow to the back of the neck might also work, but I need
to do more field testing before I recommend this method.
Be wary,
The Death Adder
10.01.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I teach nineteen first
graders for a living and for entertainment (mine, not theirs).
What do you think the most important thing a first grader should
know? We've already discussed the pleasures of the silent 'e' and
how grapes mysteriously become raisins. What's really left?
Sincerely
Teacher in the 'Hood
Dear Teacher in the 'Hood,
Children are never too young to learn how to
properly wield an axe. Shoplifting is also a useful skill,
especially for small, nimble fingers like you are bound to have in your
class. And never forget something as simple as ABC (Always Bury
Corpses).
FYI: Grapes do not become raisins.
Grapes become sweet, sweet wine. Raisin are what's left after you
suck away the chocolate from a box of Raisinettes.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
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