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Ask the Death Adder
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7.31.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Throughout my existence
spanning many centuries, I've become a respected and feared overlord in
the nether regions of Transylvania. I have a large castle filled to the
brim with loyal monstrous minions, and several deadly generals including
Medusa, the Mummy, Death, and Frankenstein's monster. I can animate the
dead at will and own a world-wide chain of hypnotic coffee shops. No mere
mortal would dare face me. Kittens die at my feet. Happy puppies run
away whining with their tails between their legs. I even made Barney the
Dinosaur cry on three separate occasions. I am the ultimate evil, the end
all and be all of the darkness that lies beneath humanity.
Now the kicker:
There's a whole lineage of whip-toting jerk-offs who think they can
destroy me. Every century a new one comes walking into my castle, making a
commotion, ruining my carpets, and whipping me incessantly until I decide
to play dead for a few years. This often puts a damper on my plans for
world domination. To top things off, they've even convinced my own son to
attack me! I've tried everything from kidnapping their girlfriends to
flipping the entire castle upside down, but nothing seems to stop these
self proclaimed heroes. Any suggestions?
I also believe my
butler, Renon, is gay. How should one deal with this?
Signed,
Dracula Vlad Tepes
Dear Dracula Vlad Tepes,
You think YOU are going to dominate the
world? Have you read my web page lately? There's going to be
only one evil overlord on this ball of rock, and I can guarantee that
you will not be it; especially with the problems you have been having.
Sheesh.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.30.2001
Dear Death Adder,
At an auction last week,
I bought a shriveled-up monkey's paw with only three fingers remaining.
My son insisted it could give us our fondest wishes. So I
tested it and he was right. First it gave me ten million dollars in
gold, then a fabulous lakeside mansion. With that last wish, I want
to do something that will effect the whole world and am unsure which
choice to make. Either I want to add my face to Mount Rushmore or I
want to become a 500-foot tall man-beast and crush everything I see into
ruin.
Which should I choose?
Sincerely,
Wishful Walter
Dear Wishful Walter,
I have to admit, option #2 really appeals to
me. However, you should know this: It was wrong of you to use
the wishes in this paw. You can never truly appreciate a prize
unless you seize it by cunning and force. By using this 'magic paw'
to gain your riches without sacrifice, you will never derive any real
satisfaction from them. As your son was the one who convinced you to
use this paw, I suggest you use your third wish to banish him to a region
of the Nether Worlds.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.25.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I am a secret member of
the Joint Chiefs of Staff and have been entrusted with the launch codes
for all of America's nuclear missiles. Just yesterday, a man from "a
secret branch of the CIA" called and said that "President
What's-his-name" said I was supposed to give the codes to him.
It seemed a little fishy so I hung up. The man called back and told
me my new secret password was "Poughkeepsie." Then he
called back a third time and whispered over and over again, "Poughkeepsie,
Poughkeepsie." By this time I was pretty mad! What hadn't
my superior's notified me about the change of password? I quickly
passed all my secret information over the phone (including the 'pin'
number of my cash card).
How should I confront my
superiors over this, Death Adder. They are high-ranking and aren't
used to being challenged on authority.
Sincerely,
Deep Blue
Dear Deep Blue,
Sometimes the lines of communication break
down. It's your superiors' responsibility to keep them open, not
yours. If they don't have the common courtesy to notify you of a
procedure change, then you shouldn't even give them the time of day.
Just keep quiet about this and continue to follow your orders.
You're doing a fine job.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.24.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Each night I dream I'm
transported back in time to Bedrock, the home of Fred Flintstone.
The dreams are quite detailed--I can really taste the Brontosaurus meat!
In their world, I repair the turtle/lawnmowers they use to cut grass and
am a member of the Royal Order of Waterbuffalos. My problem is that
I am secretly having an affair with Betty Rubble and think Barney is
starting to suspect something. I'm afraid what will happen when
Bamm-Bamm finds out. My real-world wife is also giving me strange
looks because I now walk around shoeless wearing a leopard-print tunic.
Any advice for the love-lost and forlorn?
Sincerely,
Joe Granite
Dear Joe Granite,
The problem here is that you are splitting
time between your dream and awake worlds. You need to devote more
time to one in order to patch things up. Frankly, you have many
more issues in your dream world, so you should focus on that. To
spend more time there, you'll need to take sleeping pills, a lot of
them. I recommend 50-60 at once. Good luck, Romeo.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.23.2001
Dear Death Adder,
My son is 16 years old and the leader of an
anti-smoking organization sponsored by his school. I am a smoker
myself and have been for years. He wants me to quit because he
thinks I'm slowly killing myself. What he doesn't understand is I'm
TRYING to kill myself. I can no longer stand his incessant nagging
(or his mother's) and would love to have my death on his conscience.
Sometimes I'll smoke five or six cigarettes at once, just to speed up the
process. My cough and smell are so disgustingly horrible, they send
old women and children into crying fits, but I'm not dead yet. I
have enough nicotine patches covering my body to be covered by a
government tobacco subsidy. What can I do to help this along?
Sincerely,
Marlboro Man
Dear Marlboro Man,
You have an admirable goal, but are going
about it the wrong way. If you die from tobacco-related illness,
that will only justify your son's feelings. Instead, tell your
family that you are accepting their wishes and renounce cigarettes for
good. They will be overjoyed. Then, a couple days after
quitting, force your own heart attack death with pills, injections,
whatever. Bribe a doctor ahead of time to do the autopsy and
announce that your sudden withdrawal from tobacco caused a massive
coronary. The grief and shame your family feels will last a
lifetime. Guilt is a powerful motivator, and may even cause your
own son to take up cigarettes himself.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.20.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Last week I went on a blind date with a guy
that I think I could really like. Roger is handsome and rich and
funny, funny, funny! He is a telemarketer, though, so that's one
strike against him. And he has a mustache, so that would need to go
before we dated again.
But my real problem is that my conjoined
twin, Shirley, doesn't like him. We're joined at the midsection and it's
causing real havoc in the relationship. For instance, Roger's car is
so small, Shirley has to ride with her face and arms out the window.
And she's also allergic to his cologne--which gives both of us hives.
And during our passionate moments, Roger's elbow keeps jabbing her in the
face. What can I do to have both a happy sister and passionate
relationships?
Sincerely,
Doubled Dolly
Dear Doubled Dolly,
Something is wrong here. I sense that
Roger is trying to send you a message. By wearing allergenic cologne
and smacking your sister around, he is carefully laying the groundwork for
a breakup of your short-lived romance. The question is, what have
you done to warrant this? Do you smell bad? Dress poorly?
Refuse to clip your toenails? I see that you have a tendency to run
at the mouth, perhaps this is what is driving Roger away. The
answers lie within, and you are the one who must find them. Ask
Shirley too, she might have some suggestions.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.19.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I have two close friends. One of these
men, we'll call him Matticus, is clearly the weakest member of our group.
He lacks both brains and brawn, and was the last of us three to
"score" with a woman. Every month or so, my friends and I
like to get together for a game of Monopoly. Matticus, despite being
a worse player, tends to win by default because my other friend, Phillip,
and I drive each other to bankruptcy. What I'm looking for here is a
way to crush both Matticus and Phillip (and their small empires on Baltic
Avenue). Plus I would like to see them cry.
Did I mention Matticus was the last to
"score"? And he thinks he's a man?!?
Sincerely,
Parker Brother
Dear Parker Brother,
You say Matticus lacks brains, yet somehow he
manages to always best you in your monthly matches. Your
assessment of him is clearly faulty. We can therefore safely
assume that your account of when he "scored" is also
incorrect. In fact, I would say there is a strong possibility that
he indeed "scored" first, and that you, my friend, were the
last. That would explain your reluctance to face him directly in
your game; because you know he has already bested you in one arena and
would do so in another if you ever had the temerity to challenge him.
So instead you focus on the other player and write off M's inevitable
victory as a "default." If I were capable of it, I would
feel pity for you. But I am not, so instead I feel only contempt.
You Suck,
The Death Adder
7.18.2001
Dear Death Adder,
There's a guy at work who likes to use his
cell phone while he's in the bathroom. He will sit in a stall for
over 30 minutes at a time yakking away with friends, setting up
interviews, even arguing over his long-distance bill with the phone
company. Now Death Adder, I'm a man who needs a little quiet and
solitude while I answer nature's call, so this really bothers me.
How am I supposed to carry out my business while he's doing his own
business right next to me? Any ideas?
Sincerely,
Bathroom Break
Dear Bathroom Break,
What I see here is not a problem about
breaking bathroom etiquette, but rather a problem with your
uncontrollable jealousy. In this man you see everything you want
to be: popular, decisive, a man other men count on. Though you are
none of these things, all is not lost. I suggest buying a cellular
phone (at the very least buy one of those toy cellular phones filled
with candy) and practice talking while on the toilet at home.
Picture yourself as a powerful New York attorney hiding evidence so your
opponents get the death penalty no matter what the crime. It's all
about visualizing and then becoming.
One more word of advice: If you drop the phone
into the toilet, just let it go. Trust me, it's gone.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.17.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I am allergic to peanuts. Peanuts!
Sincerely,
Anti-Peanuts
Dear Anti-Peanuts,
That's nice to know, but this an advice column,
not a place to recite obvious facts. So in the future please explain
your situation and explain why this poses a problem to you. Or else
you may one day awaken to find yourself drowning in peanuts.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.16.2001
Dear Death Adder,
As a werewolf, I am often stereotyped as a
wild, out-of-control animal, which I can assure you I am not. While
many of my werewolf brothers do enjoy pulling the limbs off sheep, I would
prefer a night at home playing Minesweeper on my computer. My
problem is that I am currently in love with a village girl with lovely red
hair. I want to marry her someday, but know its just a matter of
time before I wake up some morning with her blood dripping from my claws.
To add to this, I think I'm also getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from all
my internet playing. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Wolfman Jack
Dear Wolfman Jack,
Why put off the inevitable? Put an end
to your misery and devour that girl now, before you get even more
attached to her. That way she'll always be a part of you. As
for your sore wrists, leather braces should help you out. I prefer
those made from cows but have been told that human leather works just as
well.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.13.2001
Dear Death Adder,
After 30 years, my friends and I returned to
the small town where we grew up. As children, a horrible,
blood-thirsty clown that lived in the sewers used to torment us and kill
our friends. We've heard that the killings have started again and
have returned to the fears of our youth to confront him. Since many of us
are now attorneys, we've decided to serve him both restraining orders and
have him tried on hate-crime legislation (because Johnny's grandmother was
1/8 Mexican). We would like you to serve as a witness, as you are an
expert on terrorizing children. Are you free in the month of
October?
Sincerely,
Attorney Andi
Dear Attorney Andi,
No, I'm afraid I won't be there. I'm an
opponent of hate-crime legislation, since it discourages hating.
Don't people understand that hate is what makes the world go around?
Sorry to say this, but I'm throwing my hat in with the clown.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.12.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I am a high-profile New York businessman.
I like the finer things in life: fast cars, good food, and beautiful
women. This is my problem. A lady-friend of mine disappeared
shortly after she revealed to the world she was pregnant with my illegitimate
baby. Now the police are targeting me. I've tried to tell them
she isn't dead but living peacefully in the snow globe that sits on my
desk, but they don't listen. How do I explain to them I'm not at
fault?
Sincerely,
Big Business
Dear Big Business,
Obviously you're going to have to open that
globe to let them see your girlfriend. Do this during your next interrogation.
When the detective is grilling you, bash the globe into his forehead to
shatter the glass (he has to be very close to see her inside, you
see).
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.11.2001
Dear Death Adder,
(I know you are not THE Death Adder because
my tutor's tutor was Dora herself and she was there when Gilius drove his
Golden Axe into his head, giving his live so that all may live in
freedom.)
I am a bay cob centaur learning to fight as
Dora did (staff, magic, hooves) and I was wondering what the surname of
the noble Dora was? Any help (non sarcastic) help would be
greatly appreciated.
Yours,
Brock Phillips
Dear Brock,
Traitor. Witch. Enemy. Cow.
Foe. Loathsome. Wench.
Take your pick. I've given all these
names to her at one time or another.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.10.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I am a salesman and frequently travel
across America by plane. On my last flight to Denver, the
Northwest Airlines receptionist notified me that my bags had been lost
in transit. She said it would be up to two weeks before the bags
could be found. Of course, I was horrified, as I needed a fresh
set of clothes for a luncheon later that day, but what could I do?
I gave her my hotel address and told her to call me as soon as the bag
was found.
On my way out of the airport, I noticed
two baggage handlers kicking my bag around like a soccer ball.
Another pair were wearing my socks on their hands like puppets.
Another one used the waistband of my underwear like a slingshot to fire
pebbles at planes landing on the runway! When I confronted them,
they teased me and tore a hole in my suit coat. Then security
hauled me away and probed me for illegal drugs! I could barely
speak on account of the anger I felt.
What can I do to make things right?
Sincerely,
Angry Edward
Dear Angry Edward,
I can understand your anger. So how
much did you lose when they strip-searched you? $20K, maybe
upwards of $50K of Colombia's finest? Yes, I would also be upset
if I were you. Next time you go on one of your 'sales calls' don't
get distracted by minor issues like damaged luggage; you need to stay
focused on the task at hand.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.09.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I'm a sassy, fast-talkin', mean-walkin'
mutha from the Eastside. Man, I go crazy-crazy on these fools who get in
MY way! Word to that. I say, "You talkin' jive to me?
You disrespectin'? I'm gonna put the hurt on you,
fool!"
Anyways, I need me a street-name that
blends my hip-hop livin' with my gang-bang bangin'. Man,
gitchie-gitche-ya-ya. How 'bout some? How 'bout
some?!?
Know what I'm sayin',
Johnny StreetWise
Dear Johnny StreetWise,
You know, people like you give me all the
justification I need to take over the world.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.06.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I brought my six-week-old son to the grocery
store with me today. At some point I set him down and he must have
wandered off. Any idea where he is? My wife will be home soon
and she is going to be mad!
Sincerely,
Troubled Tim
Dear Troubled Tim,
Every grocery store has a toy section filled
with cheap, plastic trinkets; I would start my search there. If
that fails, try checking the cleaning supplies. Janitors
frequently store young children there due to the strong absorbing power
of their diapers. Finally, drop by the Girl Scout cookie table
near the entrance. Those girls will use any trick to bring in more
customers.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.05.2001
Dear Death Adder,
With Independence Day now one day behind us, we
all should take one last moment to remember all the lives that were lost
to give us our precious, precious freedom. . .
Now to the point of my letter: Come
mid-August, our town holds its annual book-burning celebration. We
currently use gasoline (and lots of it) to send those demonic words
right back to hell. Our problem is that the mixture of low octane
gasoline with certain "smut" reading material like National
Geographic and Highlights for Kids, produces a terrible,
poisonous gas that taints an otherwise glorious event. Can you
recommend a better incendiary fluid?
Sincerely,
Bonnie Burnbooks
Dear Bonnie Burnbooks,
Low-grade tar, preferably scooped out of
ancient swampy areas. It burns clean and is highly valued for its
ability to stay lit for an extended period of time. When smeared
on the end of a piece of wood, it makes an excellent torch. It's the
fuel of choice for bloodthirsty mobs in my area.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.03.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I would like to be a contestant on the hit
CBS show Survivor. My survival skills include knot tying,
fire lighting, axe wielding, and a powerful spell that makes paper cuts
heal instantly. I can also bend balloons into the shapes of
animals--mostly simple animals like snakes, worms, and Yeti-like
creatures. My problem is that I am probably too ticklish for any
physical challenges that involve feathers or anyone touching my navel.
Do I reveal this on my resume or hide it and take my chances?
Sincerely,
Hopeful in Huston
Dear Hopeful in Huston,
You should choose to disguise your flaws.
If you play the game the way it was intended, you won't have to
worry about either of those events occurring. For the life of me, I
can't understand why Survivor doesn't look more like the film Gladiator.
Why bother forging 'alliances' against your opponents when you could
simply eliminate them? Now that would make for some good
television. Your axe skill will naturally be your most important
talent. Distract your enemies with the balloons, then strike them
down with sharpened steel.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
7.02.2001
Dear Death Adder,
There is a lot of talk these days about the
alleged "Moon Landing" of 1969. Cast me in with the folks who
believe it was a conspiracy to drum up support for the space program
boondoggle that is costing tax payers millions of dollars. Add
on top of this the alleged "assassination" of JFK and
subsequent cover-up by the FBI, CIA, and Mafia. The government is
filled with secrets in its past, but my main concern is the myth still
perpetuated today.
Each year we send upwards of $4500.00 in aid
to a county called "Greenland." Has anyone ever been
there? Does it even show up on maps or globes? Not mine.
I suppose next year we'll need to double their aid because of their war
with "Beigeland." What a joke! How can I make the
government come clean on this atrocity of justice?
Sincerely,
Doubting Thomas
Dear Doubting Thomas,
Dear DT,
As someone who has seen many conspiracies
come and go, I can say that many of your opinions are well-founded, and
you should definitely investigate further. Greenland may or may
not exist, but if it does, why are you sending them money anyway?
Are these Green people strong and self-sufficient? If so, they
should receive your respect, not your money. If instead they are
so weak they cannot fend for themselves, then they should be left to
wither and die like weeds.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
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