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Ask the Death Adder
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6.11.2002
Dear Death Adder,
What? In my eyes only are
a thing: S----E----X!!!!! The kids!!!! Oh no!!!! The
only thing in the head of the kids are.... I don't repeat the word, and
are very cool for the boys...OF 8 AND MORE!!! ARE VERY LITTLE THESE
BOYS, and, yes, I am a kid of these kids (9 years old)...but within these
mania......and other question: What is the reason of stupid kids and
fathers (a very important question)?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿(Hahaha, the Riddler
returns!!!!!!?¿?¿)....contest these questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (And i
repeat: sorry for my language, I am Spanish.) These days, the
education in the schools, the things that you learn is
.....total=education in the schools=puke.....the question that I want is
the Pokemon mania: the reasons to ME kill HIM, what is the day of the
death of creator of Pokemon and Pokemon, ect....
Sincerely,
Gokua, The Bad King
Dear Gokua, The Bad King,
Seeing as you are from Spain, I can forgive the
fact that your letter makes very little sense to me. (The last thing
I admired about Spain was the whole inquisition thing, and that was years
ago.) In answer to your question: 42.
One more thing, in 1992, when you last had the
Olympics, I wasn't even invited. What's up with that? I can
hurl shot puts like nobody's business.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.02.2002
Dear Death Adder,
Hello. This is Gen.
Heartland. I could really use your assistance. My science teacher gave me
a project where I create an invertebrate animal (meaning it has no
backbone, but I'm very sure YOU knew that!). Anyway, what should I create?
Should it live on land or water? What should it be related to? I could
REALLY use your advice! YOU are the CHOSEN ONE!
Thank you, times
infinity!
Yours truly,
Gen. T. Heartland
Dear General T. Heartland,
There is only one invertebrate beast I would
worry myself with: the McRib. Though this seasonal McDonald's treat
has the taste and flavor of a real rib sandwich, the lack of bones make it
pleasing to both adults, children, and newborn infants. If you
create this boneless beast, you will have my eternal praise.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.01.2002
Dear Death Adder,
Are you in any way
related to Edmund Black Adder, and what are your opinions
on him?
Sincerely,
Crowley (Not related to Aleister)
Dear Crowley (Not related to Aleister),
No, we're not related, though interestingly
enough, we did share an apartment together in the late 1970s. We
were both going to the same local tech college. He took courses in
plumbing (if memory serves me right) and I was mastering guillotine
maintenance and repair. The friendship came to an end because he
kept opening my mail by mistake, or so he claimed. I still keep his
spleen in my refrigerator, if you ever want to come by to see it.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
5.07.2002
Dear Death Adder,
Ara es ova? doo medz
gyot es mamet bes? ha? eerav, lav davai shad lav a yerp menk khosoom
eieenk. gna esdegheetz ay debil!
Sincerely,
Norig
Dear Norig,
I see and understand your problem.
Unfortunately, I can do nothing to help. It's not that I can't, it's
just that I don't want to. I don't like you. I never have.
In fact, if your house were burning and I walked passed while choking on a
mouthful of water, I'd sooner die than risk spitting up the water and
accidentally extinguishing the flames. Good luck, you filthy,
disgusting, half-man/half-horse, nose-picking monstrosity!
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
4.05.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I have this major
problem. I'm a spelling-bee legend, a 12-year-old-mathematician, a
rocket scientist, a video game master, and a super villain, but I'm still
trying to think of a way to vanquish my classmate's acts of cruelty.
I'm constantly blamed for
things I didn't do, am frequently fighting her, and ALL of my moves are
totally foiled! All I haven't tried is whatever is not yet in my
young, but not-so-innocent mind! I've tried punching, kicking,
headbutting, biting, body-slamming, and heaven knows what else, but to no
avail. Please help! My stupid classmate failed first grade,
uses her pants instead of a toilet, but is still able to foil my moves!
P.S. I would have sent
some atom bombs disguised as Easter eggs to you, but I didn't get any.
Yours Truly,
Tyrannical Tiff
Dear Tyrannical Tiff,
You're going about this all wrong.
Instead of fighting, you should be warming up to your enemy. Lure
her into a false sense of security by bringing her flowers, complimenting
her clothes, and other random acts of kindness. Then, after fifty
years of such treatment, walk up to her one day and say, "Honey, I know
we've had our differences, but I really do love you . . . NOT!"
She'll need a lot of salve to cool that burn.
Thanks for the offer of the Easter Eggs, but I
have a year's supply of Peeps to tide me over to the next season.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
4.01.2002
Dear Death Adder,
What's up with Col.
Bitter and Lt. Bitter? Seems to me they should have been called Col.
Butter and Lt. Butter, because it looks like they have the imprint of a
stick of butter on their shields, and one of them happens to be yellow.
Also, are they worthy
allies or whiny losers like the rest?
One more question: If you
had the choice of a female ally to help rid the land of all those nasty
do-gooders, would you pick Chyna? She'd probably be the best choice.
Signed,
Colleen
Dear Colleen,
The Bitter Brothers are a motley bunch.
There greatest joy is pounding small, innocent puppies into the backs of
old women on crutches. Granted, they die just as easily as many of
the dregs I employ, but they keep their rooms neat and never drink milk
from the carton.
I have often wanted to choose a Bride of Evil
to fight by my side. Former WWF superstar Chyna would be an okay
choice, but for my money I'd rather have Anna Nicole Smith. She
already has accomplished what many evil-doers strive for: Rolling around
in the riches of her fallen enemies.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
3.29.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I was recently enjoying a
trip to the underworld courtesy of Sega's Altered Beast title. I was
decidedly miffed when I came across a Chicken Leg (pictured here:
http://www.genesisproject.co.uk/Genesis/0-a/AlteredBeast.gif)
sauntering about like he owned the place. I'd have a stern talk with your
recruitment agencies about this unfaithful little animal - he can't be
truly focused on your aim of world domination if he's working nights for
Neff.
Yours Sincerely,
Concerned Goblin.
(Note: Neff is the bad
guy in the purple cloak that looks like Patrick Stewart)
Dear Concerned Goblin,
I can't say that I'm surprised. Chicken
leg has long held a desire to spread his wings and sow his oats. For
the longest time he wanted to be an actor and even starred in such hits as
Tank Girl and Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins. But
after a brief moment of success, he ended up in low-grade pornos, just
like my mother before him.
My larger concern is why you're spending your
time on other websites. Haven't I given you all you need?
Obviously not, so how shall I repay such disloyalty, such treachery?
With VENGEANCE! So, just as soon as my Apple-Raisin Muffins are done
baking, I'll come up with a plan and seek my revenge.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
3.28.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I finally did it. I
totally put Spain in ruins. I also took in some other areas. Now all that
is left is most of the U.S.A. And now Death Bringer is out of his
retirement home. What is left to do?!
Yours truly,
Death Adder, Jr.
Dear Death Adder, Jr.,
Well, my boy, you disappoint me once again.
I have checked your claims about leaving Spain "in ruins," as you put it,
and my operatives tell me a different story. They say they saw you
lounging poolside in Seville, drinking wine, and conversing with snooty
French folk. I've told you this many times, son, and so I say it
again, "You are the weakest link.... Goodbye!"
Sincerely ... no, wait a minute.... NOT
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
3.15.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I've just retired from my
job stealing magic pots and decided it was high time I had a nice
vacation. Taking into account that eagle flight has been grounded due to
recent terrorist activity and turtle travel takes too damn long, do you
have any suggestions? Keep in mind that pots are heavy and I have little
legs so I'm not walking. I await your response with anticipation.
Yours Sincerely,
Blue Thief
Dear Blue Thief,
Ah, Blue Thief, how long have we tangled in our
sweet love/hate relationship? On one hand, you attempt to foil my
enemies by stealing their only source of power, but then again, you are so
cowardly, powerless, couldn't-fight-your-way-out-of-a-paper-bag weak, they
can kick you in the back and steal those pots right back again. But
I admire you, sir, because you are brave enough to stand up to all who
oppose you.
Because of this courage, I can suggest a "new"
form of travel, that is perfect for a man (or are you a woman?) of your
stature. Come to my castle and I will cram your wee-little body into
cannon, point it to the sky, and fire you at the heavens. Then, if
all goes well, you will slowly drift with the trade winds, until you land
gently in a field of sweet poppies. There is a slight risk that you
will plummet into the ground and splatter like blueberry Jell-O into a
fan, but that's a risk I'm willing to take.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
3.14.2002
Dear Death Adder,
How come Death Adder, Jr.
and Death Bringer never made another appearance in a Golden Axe game?
I think you can kick all
the wrestlers butts in the WWF.
Signed,
Chris
Dear Chris,
Death Adder, Jr. has always been a
disappointment to me. Twenty years ago I put him in charge of
plundering all of Spain and burning it to the ground, but has he done it?
No! Until he finishes that chore, I'm surely not going to give him a
staring role in any more of my games. As far as the Death Bringer,
read his sorry story here.
And, finally, the answer is "Yes, I can kick
most, but not all, of the butts of WWF wrestlers." There are two
exceptions. The first, Hurricane Helms, blocks my every move with
his incessant "do-gooding." And secondly, Stacy Keibler . . . I
can't begin to tell you all the "problems" she causes me.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
3.08.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I have a gaping hole in
the middle of my back and an extra appendage on my forehead. What do you
think the weather will do yesterday?
Thanks,
Oingy Moingy Hautch
Tautch
Dear Oingy Moingy Hautch Tautch,
I used to grieve for those in your situation,
but now I rejoice. After all, imagine all the uses you could use
that hole for. I can think of 10 things right off the top of my head.
First, you could put things in it. Second, ... well, it's main use
would be for storage. And as for the extra appendage, that could be good or
bad. If it's something useful (like an arm) then all power to you,
friend. But if it's something less useful (like the hind leg of a
rhinoceros) then you have a hard road ahead.
As for the weather, I predict partly sunny,
partly cloudy, and a 100% chance of evil.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
3.04.2002
Dear Death Adder,
My wife and I recently
purchased our dream home in a small village in Maine. What I fear,
though, is that we were duped by the sellers. For instance, the
toilet has a small leak which has damaged the bathroom linoleum.
Also, one of our neighbors lets crabgrass grow freely on his lawn and one
of these days it's bound to end up in our yard. Both of these would
have been deal-killers had I know about them ahead of time, but there's
more. The giant pit in the basement turns out not to be an artesian
well (as we were promised) but rather a portal to the fifth level of hell.
Every day, at the stroke of midnight, it belches out searing, foul
smelling gas, just before a sword-toting Balrog drags the butchered
carcass of one of our children back into hell with him. On top of
this, Death Adder, we have a suspicion that the previous owners might have
painted over some water damage.
Do we have any legal
recourse? Please act fast, Death Adder, as we have only three
children left.
Sincerely,
Duped Homeowner
Dear Duped Homeowner,
I'm sorry you do not care for my old house.
Had you explicitly asked if there had been water damage, I would have told
you. As far as the pit, I did not lie. During the day, it does
emit sweet water, cold and clear, as if made by a cascading mountain
waterfall. And while it is true that during the night it pours out
an unimaginable evil, I did mention it in my seller's disclosure
statement. After the question about problems in the basement, I
wrote "Yes."
Sincerely,
Death Adder
2.28.2002
Dear Death Adder,
For the better part of a
year, I had "unnatural" feelings toward one of my neighbors. She was
a small, luscious beauty, wearing a neat green hat and a pink dress.
I wanted desperately to have "relations" with this woman. I believed
she would be a good wife, for each time I saw her, she was hard at work
pushing her tiny wheelbarrow. Then, after a month of courting her
affections, I discovered she was a lawn ornament. I now worry
that our love will not last seeing as she's small, hollow, and made of
plastic. What can I do with my unrequited love?
Sincerely,
Trolly McTrolls
Dear Trolly,
I fully understand your problem. One of
my cousins once had a three-year relationship with a woman (and even
married her) before discovering she was in fact a birdbath. Such
love is not meant to last. Your problem is a common one in today's
rush-about society. It's hard to meet that special someone if you
are always on the run from one conflict to the next. To prevent such
confusion in the future, let me recommend the following four tips for the
next time you're unsure:
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See if squirrels store acorns in her neck for
winter.
-
Check feet for "Made in China" stamp.
-
Tap with stick, listen for hollow echoing
sound.
-
Watch for movement when urinated upon by dog.
I hope these help,
Death Adder
2.25.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I see my grandson
only once a month for about an hour. What do I have to do to let his
parents let him play with me? My parole officer says that I'm almost
completely safe to be around children without medication and stun
guns. What do I have to do to convince my son and his wife to let me
play with their son, my only grandson?
Also, since
my grandson has 25% or more of my homicidal genes, should I be scared of
him?
Signed,
Lonely Granny
Dear Lonely
Granny,
You should be
ashamed of yourself. I can tell by the tone of your letter that you
are a no-good, rotten, lying, stealing, cheating harlot of a woman.
Having you ever once stopped and thought about the child's best interests?
In time he'll probably end up in a public run school where he will be
"trained" in the arts of sharing and cooperation. Such a waste!
Think of all the
useful things he could be learning from you in the meantime. Who,
better than you, knows the right amount of PCP to take to channel your
rages and be immune to stun guns, dog bites, and holstered weapons?
Or about the best places to funnel illegal drug shipments? You will
just need to make his parents understand.
And don't worry,
the evil force grows strong in this one.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
1.23.2002
Dear Death Adder,
My name is Catty Nebulart.
I'm a captain of the Solnoid Intelligence (we're a race of female humans).
I've been observing you and I have some questions. Why do you like
war and violence? Don't you know that there are other ways to resolve the
conflicts other than the use of war? You're kind of an evil person! I
urge you to take a good look at yourself and what you're doing. Will you
believe in peace and love rather than hate and war?
Also, I was wondering if
you're single because being in space I have the need of some companionship
and I was wondering if you're taken.
Please stop the use of
violence!
Catty Nebulart
Solnoid Intellengence
P.S. You're very cute! I
hope you make the right decision!
Dear Catty,
Many people think there are only two choices,
war or peace. I do not subscribe to such limited world views.
There are many, many different kinds of violence to choose from: Cold
Wars, Bloody Rebellions, Random Pillaging, Burning-Bag-of-Dung on the
Doorstep. I will use each (or all) of these methods to drive my
enemies to their knees and have them plead me to bring peace to their
worthless societies of boot-licking cowards.
On a personal note: You should join me in my
castle as my bride. You will never be lonely again. You will
have many companions in my harem of slave girls. You will be happy.
You hear me? You WILL be happy.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
1.21.2002
Dear Death Adder,
I have a serious problem
only the DA can help me with. It has to do with Britney Spears (oh, the
breastesses from heaven) and the One Man Gang from the WWF. I mean
if they were to square off (but hers are so round!) in the squared circle
who would win. I mean the moves (and, oh, how they move) of young
voluptuous Britney and the sheer offensive strength of the One Man Gang.
Gang! Britney! Mean Gene, here comes the Honky Tonk Man! I
mean just give me two minutes and I will give you a Honky Tonk. I am
obsessed with this match. Is it a dream? Is it real? Are they (I mean
is it) fake? I stay awake at night!
Triple H makes me puke.
What happened to Baron Von Rashke? He doesn't really work at the zoo,
does he?
How about The New Zoo
Review? Has Britney performed there with the big owl and those mini
skits? This match has me confused. The Prozac is starting to kick in
again. I better stop before I start to ramble. I have to know who is
going to win!!!!!
Sincerely,
The Britney Fan
Dear Britney Fan,
I must receive ten to twenty letters a day
asking the same question: Who will win in a battle of Britney Spears
versus The One Man Gang? What the questions fails to examine is the
powers of such greats as "Iron" Mike Sharp or Wahoo McDaniels. Or
how about Koko B. Ware? Don't ever underestimate the evil power of
his trained parrot Frankie.
Unfortunately, such battles will never take
place. The WWF will never hire such an artificial beauty like
Britney Spears. Instead, they will focus on "natural" beauty like
that found in Jackie or Chyna or Tori Wilson. Clearly, these women
are to be role models for the youth of today.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
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