The Golden Axe Resource, Death Adder's Castle

Ask the Death Adder

6.29.2001

Dear Death Adder,

There is a classy rich girl me and my friends have known for years.  Although she likes us, she will never compliment us on a sexual level (even though I am well aware from other females that we are all rather attractive). It is my belief that it is her typical royal family-like opinion that she is above indulging in flirting of any kind with me or my somewhat lower class and risqué amigos, as she sees herself out of our league!

If someone implied to you, Mr. Adder, that you could not conquer a country, would you not long to march in and take it? It may be dancing with fire, but I can take the heat, so I intend to conquer (as in seduce) this lady. The fact that she has a boyfriend makes the challenge, to me, the current closest equivalent of obtaining the Golden Axe. You, of all people, will understand that such a challenge cannot possibly be refused. Obviously I bow down to your superiority when it comes to "conquering," so I now ask you for advice on how best to succeed where all others would not even try!

I wish to keep this lady around in public view so I can show off my victory and enjoy its continuing rewards. Some cunning Adder-like ingenuity is required.

Sincerely yours, 

The Fire Dancer

Dear Fire Dancer,

Subtle wit and charm are going to win the day for you.  Make a good first impression by bashing down her door, this hints at your burning desire for her.  Next, communicate using casual body language: whip off your cape and toss it aside, a little muscle-flexing might help here too.  Finally, woo her with sweet phrases -  I prefer a lusty battle cry such as, "Prepare to reveal your treasures!"  And one other thing, you never, EVER let them see you with your helmet off.  

Good Luck,

The Death Adder

6.28.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I've been a member of an animal liberation terrorist cell for some time now.  Our latest strike was at a university laboratory that was using mice to research cancer treatments.  We cut the power, broke down the doors and collected all the helpless little mousies into cardboard boxes.  For good measure we sprayed graffiti on the walls, burned paperwork and smashed all the computers.  Our efforts resulted in the loss of over 3 years of evil medical breakthroughs.  We released the mice in a farm field outside town, where within minutes they were all ripped to pieces by hawks and feral cats.  I cannot describe the euphoria we felt seeing these majestic rodents experiencing freedom! 

Unfortunately, I just learned my mother has been diagnosed with cancer and would have benefited from the treatments the center was developing.  My question is, how can I explain to my mother that her life is meaningless compared to those of the animals I freed?  Her prolonged, agonizing death is but a small price to pay so that those mice could live outside their cages for several short minutes.  It is important that I not offend her too greatly, for I need her inheritance to help fund further liberation activities. 

Sincerely,

Animal Worshiper

Dear Animal Worshiper,

The solution is simple.  The next time you break into a animal research facility, bring your mother along so she can see the evil they cause and understand the passions you hold dear.  To help her understand, place her in one of the animal cages—putting her in with an angry, plague-infested rhesus monkey would be best—and inject her with all the chemicals you can find.  She may resist your actions, but this is normal as people are often afraid of new things.  Perhaps one of the injections will even cure her disease, making you a national hero. 

Don't spend that inheritance all in one place,

Death Adder

6.27.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I am an out-of-work songwriter that's been trying to get a break for the past five years.  Though I am sure I have perfected my craft, my inquiries to today's top stars have all gone unanswered.  Each one of my songs is a sweet blend of harmony and melody, love and pain, creative sounds and catchy tunes.  Why can't I make my mark and attract their attention?  I sent one of my best "Wanna Be Me" to Elvis Presley two months ago and haven't heard a peep.  I wrote a nice duet for Frank Sinatra and the Notorious B.I.G. called "Gimme Your Grove-Thang" and they haven't even bothered to call--they didn't even send a note to say they received it.  And what about the tender love song I wrote for Dana Plato, Herve Villechaize, and Mr. T?  Only T responded and he wasn't near as nice as he was on the A-Team.  He suggested his part should be sung by Lou Ferrigno--proving he didn't understand the lyrics at all! 

What can I do to become a song-writing sensation? 

Sincerely,

Sad Song Sally

Dear Sad Song Sally,

You're just a little down on your luck right now.  I'm sure if you work even harder at contacting these people, eventually your big break will come. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.26.2001

Dear Death Adder,

On most weekends, when my wife leaves town, I call up the local escort service and spend the night with low-priced prostitutes.  I told my wife nothing of this because it would clearly hurt her to know the truth and I wanted to protect the sanctity of our marriage.  This past Saturday, I ordered a prostitute from my normal connection.  When I heard the knock on the door, I was ready for action.  Much to my surprise, the prostitute I sent for turned out to be . . . MY WIFE! 

Without my knowing, she had been going out and selling her sweet love for money, Death Adder!  I have never felt so betrayed.  We argued most of that night.  She kept going on and on about some goose and gander combination--to be honest, I couldn't follow her logic.  Now I am left with a shattered heart and shattered dreams for the future.  What am I to do? 

Sincerely, 

Betrayed Heart

Dear Betrayed Heart,

Truly your wife is no longer deserving of your respect.  I'm surprised you wasted your time arguing with her; after all, she can never be reformed from what she is at heart.  Also, I can't believe that it took you this long to find out about her occupation.  Let's see:  She's a brunette, about 5 foot 7, with that little teardrop-shaped birthmark on her left hip, right?  Oh yes, I knew about her little side business MONTHS ago. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.25.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Sometimes, when I go out pheasant hunting, my father's friend comes along. This guy thinks he's king when it comes to hunting safety.  He makes us unload our weapons before we start our heavy drinking.  He also disapproves when we use our loaded shotguns like swords in pretend duels we like to have.  One time, I saw him giving first-aid to a bird only crippled by a shotgun blast to the wing.  (Don't worry, I tracked and killed the bird later that day.) 

How can I make this man understand that killing pheasants and a little hunting tom-foolery is as much a part of God's plan as legalized marijuana and sodomy? 

Sincerely,

Hunter Jim

Dear Hunter Jim,

People like this are vampires, always sucking the life out of whatever activity they take part in.  He doesn't like your activities because he's never tried them.  Fortunately, there is a way to open his eyes. The next time you go hunting, put him in the middle of your line.  Then have the dogs run ahead and flush the birds back towards you, rather than away.  Wait until they get in nice and close for an optimal shot - say, right next to his head, then open up with everything you've got.  I'm sure this will help him understand where you are coming from. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.22.2001

Dear Death Adder,

In the next Star Wars movie, who will be revealed as Yoda's father?  I think it will be Chewbaca, but I can't be sure about this.  If you look closely you will see that though Chewbaca is a seven-foot hairy ape, and Yoda is a three-foot, green-skinned troll, they are identical in height and appearance.  I also believe that Luke is really Darth Vader's father. 

There is also a slim chance, my sources tell me, that Yoda may really just be Jabba the Hutt's severed penis.

Sincerely,

Mr. Lucas

Dear Mr. Lucas,

No, I can't accept the Chewbacca theory.  Much more likely is that we will discover Yoda is the ancestral father of the Ewok race.  This would be a tremendous plot development, and would make just as much sense as midichlorians being responsible for the Force. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.21.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I want to join the ranks of professional wrestling--perhaps as the masked avenger, El Diablo!  My finishing move would be a top rope Kamikaze Double Summersault.  I would also have a little Chihuahua come to ring with me.  And I would throw frisbees to the kids at ringside.  My problem is this: I have no arms or legs or lower torso.  Right now, to move from place to place, I am pulled around in a red wagon by some dog I have never seen before. Please make it stop, Death Adder.  As we are horribly lost and I am very hungry.

Sincerely,

El Diablo

Dear El Diablo,

It will be quite difficult for you to fulfill your wrestling fantasy. However, this is still some hope for you.  Instead of heaving frisbees to the crowd, why not allow yourself to be thrown to them instead?  Dwarf tossing has always been a favorite activity of mine.  I remember one night I pitched a munchkin so far he bashed right through the side of a tavern.  And that was before they brought out the Ale Bong.  Ah, that was a night I won't soon forget. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.20.2001

Dear Death Adder,

My childhood had a similar beginnings to most people.  Abandoned by my abusive, drunken parents, I joined a pack of wild dogs that roamed through a small village in Peru.  The oldest of the dogs, which I named "Mittens," suckled me each morning for breakfast, and cleaned my face with her velvet-like tongue at night.  I enjoyed hobbies similar to most boys my age--bashing rocks against the head's of rabbits, scratching at my throat until it bled, and ping-pong. 

Now I am older and well-adjusted in society.  I work at a local arcade, fixing jammed machine and awarding prizes in exchange for tickets won by customers at our Skill Crane machines.  But at night, as I watch small children get dragged into the woods by hyenas, I long for the old days.  Where is the fine balance between regular member of society and blood-thirsty village terror?  Please help me if you can. 

Sincerely, 

Ruff-Ruff

Dear Ruff-Ruff,

An arcade, you say?  You wouldn't happen to have any cheat codes for the Revenge of Death Adder game, would you?

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.19.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I'll come right out and say it: I had an affair with a woman at work. We tried to keep it a secret, but eventually my wife found out.   Since then, I've lost my job, my wife no longer speaks to me, and we no longer sleep in the same bed.  She has gone so far as to get a job out of the house, in another city, just to get away from me.  What makes things worse is that my secret lover no longer wants anything to do with me either.  And the guy who replaced me at  work is already doing my old job ten times better than I ever did.  I no longer have the confidence to speak to my wife on the same level.  I need a way to get my life back on track. 

I really want to make things right with my wife, but I don't know how I can even start.  What can I do?

Sincerely,

W. J. Clinton

Dear W. J. Clinton,

I can tell from your letter that you are a very talented man, you're just stuck in a rut.  It appears that your wife has an affinity for power, and when your job ended she saw yours decrease.  What you need to do is reclaim a position of authority.  Don't just settle for getting your old job back - dream big!  Lead a revolt, unseat the government, become a dictator.  Turn the country around and lead it back to glory. Only then will your wife see what she has been missing and gladly return to your side. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.18.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Lately, when I've looked at my husband, I've noticed changes.  He no longer comments when I change my hair style.  When we sit down to eat dinner, he no longer looks me in the eyes.  The lawn, which is normally beautifully manicured, has overgrown with weeds.  All these things combined together, along with his refusal to take off the ski mask he now wears 24 hours a day, makes me think something is bothering him.  How can I bring up these issues without him turning defensive?  I need to be gentle and cautious, because he insists I speak to him only in Hebrew and refer to him as Lord Orifice. 

Sincerely, 

Confused Wife

Dear Confused Wife,

Your husband is trying to send you a message.  There is a very good reason why he averts his eyes.  Look at your new hairstyle in the mirror.  Is it a rat's nest?  Do you bear a striking resemblance to the Medusa?  Your man's actions are consistent with one who is trying desperately, yet futilely, to avoid the stone curse.  Unfortunately you will just have to accommodate his activities until he either accepts your new hair, or beheads you. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.15.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Lately, I've been finding that people resent me because I'm so much better than they are.  Whereas I am a fun, intelligent, handsome man, most everyone else I see are filthy, dirt-eating parasites.  I went to a doctor to have my eyes tested and I have 20/20 vision (perfect, like the rest of me)--so I know it's not something I'm just imagining. 

I would like to know what to do about it.  Do I try and drag the rest of the world to my level?  Do I lower myself to their level and become a selfless, hedonistic sack of crap?  Tell me, Death Adder, what should I do? 

Sincerely,

Handsome Hero

Dear Handsome Hero,

If these people resent you it's because they don't yet understand you.  Someone as strong as yourself needs to lead by example.  Go ahead and get in their faces, strut your stuff.  Explain in exacting detail why you rule and they don't.  Once they see that there is another way to live they'll come around and take steps to correct the situation. 

Good luck golden boy, 

The Death Adder

6.14.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Next week I am leaving home for Marine Corps boot camp. Everyone, especially my girlfriend, thinks this is a really bad idea. But I think it's great so I signed up for infantry. Now that it's coming time for me to leave, my girlfriend has been getting all bent out of shape about it and crying a lot. She says that I'm going to get killed in a war--which doesn't sound too bad to me . . . going to war that is. So, how do I get her to understand all of this and not cry and worry so much? 

Sincerely,

Frank

Dear Frank,

Here's what you say: 

"Honey, I know you're hurting right now.  And believe me, I'm hurting right along with you.  But please try to understand that we live in a dangerous world today.  The forces of light and goodness are stronger than we think, and are always rearing their ugly heads in the most unexpected places.  If we are to continue enjoying the benefits that our repressive, monolithic government has granted us, we are going to have to fight for it.  And if some honest, freedom-loving hero wants to break the chains of your bondage, you will feel better knowing that it could be me who drives the bayonet through his skull, even if I might be hacked to pieces in the process." 

In short, you need to explain to your girlfriend that sometimes in life, sacrifices must be made for the greater good, or in this case, greater evil. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.13.2001

Dear Death Adder,

While hiking in the mountains of California, I came across the skeletal remains of a 19th century prospector.  Clutched in his bony fingers was a map, yellowed with age.  Upon unfolding the map, I found the following message:  "To whoever finds me map, travel 30 paces north, 20 paces east, dig ten feet down, and there lies the treasure. I cannot retrieve it for my legs were eaten by ravenous dogs and I am bleeding to death.  Please tell my wife I love her." 

Who does this guy think he is?  Does he think I'm going to go traipsing around looking for his wife--who would be, like, three-hundred years old by now?  I was so angry I bashed apart his remains with a stick. I did keep one of his teeth, though, as it my have some value on eBay. 

Sincerely,

Penny Saved

Dear Penny Saved,

Let me see if I have this straight.  The old man gave up on his treasure because once he lost his legs he didn't know how to measure a pace anymore?  I'd say you gave him exactly what he deserved. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.12.2001

Dear Death Adder,

In the arcades, why do shooting games punish you for "eliminating" the weak members of society.  It fills me with a horrible, blinding rage that makes me want to target more of them. 

Sincerely,

John Woo

Dear John Woo,

You are mistaken.  You are not punished because it is wrong to kill these people; you lose points because it is a waste of bullets.  The weak victims you kill would be much better accommodated by blunt weapons that allow you to conserve your resources. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.11.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Last night, rain and hail pelted my house for hours in a thunderstorm I thought would never end.  At first glance everything looked in order, but then, on a second go through, I noticed the skylight in my bathroom was leaking and the walls underneath showed water damage.  WATER DAMAGE! 

My neighbor, I found out this morning while chatting, got away without so much as a damp floor in his cellar.  I have already open 2 lawsuits.  The first is against the neighbor whose home has an unfair advantage over mine because his faces east and mine faces north.  The second lawsuit is against the so-called "prevailing" winds which rock my house during every storm.  I am also considering suing the man who works at the nearby deli for leering at me when there is no call for leering.  And my second-grade teacher used to give "birthday spankings" that really, really pissed me off--there's another lawsuit right there. 

Sincerely,

ARGHHHHH!

Dear Arghhhhh,

While your anger is justified, I'm afraid I cannot condone your methods for appeasing it.  Lawsuits are frivolous, and for the weak of body. Most of the cases you mentioned center on a single person.  That person is your focus; you must channel your feelings in that direction.  A good club or even the heel of your boot should be more than sufficient to exact whatever justice you have coming to you. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.08.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I have a poem for you.  Please tell me what you think. 

Death, death, death

Hate, hate, hate

Death-death, hate-hate-hate

Eat the remains of a dead baboons heart

Lord Beetlesworth commandeth!

Perchance!  Perchance!  Perchance!

Sincerely,

The Muse

Dear The Muse,

You have a really good start here.  You lost me towards the end, however.  Who is this Beetlesworth character, a potential rival of mine?  I've needed a good challenge lately. 

Sincerely, 

The Death Adder

6.07.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I'm building a relational database and I'm unsure as to whether or not I want to enforce referential integrity.  On one hand, I like the security and convenience it gives me in the future if I need to run a cascade update or a cascade delete.  But then again, following such database restrictions fills me with a horrible, boiling, blinding rage! 

Sincerely,

Mr. Access

Dear Mr. Access,

What is the problem here?  Rage is an emotion to be cherished, not rejected.  And efficient, smothering security measures are always preferable to the chaos that would occur in their absence.  Obviously you need some sort of attitude adjustment.  Prepare to die. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.06.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Without question the United States government has been secretly using UFO technology stolen from the Roswell crash since the late 1940s.  Slowly but surely, alien DNA is being mixed with human DNA to produce a new super-species unlike any the world has ever seen! 

Risking my own life, I have secured highly classified documents that detail these plans in full.  They have already converted the moon into a large brain-wave collector and I am extremely sensitive it the "moon-beams" it produces.  You are the only one I can turn to, Death Adder.  Where should I go with this information?  Where can my family be safe?  Help me before it's too late. 

Sincerely, 

Mr. Secret

Dear Mr. Secret,

If such a super-species exists, it would possess power secondary only to that of the Golden Axe itself.  Such a race could become a terrible weapon if it fell into the wrong hands.  You were right to bring this to my attention.  Please collect all your information, including formulas, photographs and step by step instructions, and bring them to my castle immediately.  By all means invite along your family, friends, and anyone else that you may have even remotely mentioned this to.  You are in good hands now. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.05.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I have a really big problem. You see, all my life I've been living a small, quite life with my aunt and uncle. They're both farmers, so I grew up to be one as well. However, I ran in to this old hermit that lives near our village, and he gave me a really strange flashlight. You could actually see the beam, but when I tried running my arm through the beam it kind of chopped the whole arm off. The situation didn't exactly improve when I met my long-lost father and he cut my other hand off. How am I going to farm now? 

Sincerely,

Lucky Daycrawler

Dear Lucky Daycrawler,

I'm afraid that farming is out of the question for you.  You'd be much better served by becoming a merchant in the town marketplace, growing old and withered and warning small boys that they'd best get inside before the sandstorm hits. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

6.04.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I want a divorce from my wife, but she has so far refused.  Part of the problem is that I'm a disgusting, lazy, good-for-nothing slob and she doesn't want to support my out-of-work worthless self for the rest of my life.  Actually, that's not part of the problem, that's all of it.  I would be more interested in staying with her if she would focus more energy on granting all my wishes and desires and less time fawning over our children. I don't want this to turn into a messy situation.  All I ask is that she grant me a divorce and full custody of our children with no visitation rights for her what-so-ever.  And bi-weekly alimony checks to feed my addiction to morphine.  

Sincerely, 

Lost in Love

Dear Lost in Love,

I become enraged when I hear stories like this.  A divorce would be the best thing for your wife, yet she is denying you one just to spite you.  How dare she only think of herself in this situation!  My advice is to eliminate her very soon.  Granted, a quick death is more than she deserves, but it will do you much good to be free of the crushing grip of your current relationship.  I shouldn't have to add that you want your life insurance paid in full before taking any such action. 

Sincerely, 

The Death Adder

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