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Ask the Death Adder
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8.29.2001
Dear Death Adder,
What gives? Not
even Dear Abby takes off this much time? What have you been up
to? Why haven't you been answering our letters.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
Dear Little Johnny,
It's true that most lives have stopped in
their tracks waiting for my next words. I've been quite busy
lately destroying lives, hoarding gold, and installing Pergo on my
kitchen floor. But my vacation nears an end. It will soon be
time for me to put pen to paper, nose to grindstone, and sword to enemy
spleen. And Johnny, just so you know . . . you're first on my
list.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
8.16.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Greetings! I am a
novice lackey, looking to break into the business of helping dark lords
in their tireless quests to conquer the world. I've been interested in
this ever since I was a child, helping the local bully steal other kids'
lunch money and so forth. I was never much of a leader, but I could
follow orders and mindlessly pummel the innocent like no one else. I
found that as I grew older, so did my talents, and finally, I decided to
make a career of it. My only fears are of the eventual arrival of a
small band of do-gooders that will eventually defeat my dark employer
and scatter him and his armies to the four winds.
So, for that reason, I
was wondering if you (as a dark lord of some repute) knew of any
potential employers with a 401k plan and full health benefits? I'm
looking for a full-time, long-term position, and will stop at nothing to
achieve my master's goals. There's no atrocity too atrocious, no
meaningless act of violence that's too meaningless! You name it, I'll do
it! So if you know of anyone (or are interested yourself) please let me
know. I'll forward my resume post haste.
References available
upon request,
Henching Hank
Dear Henching Hank,
I can tell your heart is in the right place,
so I'll break this to you easy: what you crave isn't as glorious as it
seems. A Henchman's life is a tiresome, grueling process. Some
days, as you watch the last remnants of an innocent villager's hut burn
to the ground, you'll wonder when all the violence will end.
Tyranny takes no vacations, Hank.
But if you really want to break into this
racket, you should start the way all good lackeys do: as a middle
manager in corporate America. Once there you will ruin lives,
break spirits, and kiss-up like you've never kissed up before. On
top of this, they pay you (something I would never do).
Then one day, when you've risen to the top, look upon all the ruin
you've created and say to yourself, "This is what the Death
Adder has foretold."
From now on, pleasing me can be your
inspiration.
Good luck,
The Death Adder
8.13.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Last night I took my date
up to "make-out-point" overlooking Lake Osakis. We were
enjoying some hot-and-heavy teenage hyjinx, when I heard a strange
scrapping sound along the car door. Sure enough, it was a mass
murderer who had a hook for a hand. We tore out of there, narrowly
escaping death. When we got home his hook-hand hung from the rear
door handle. Now I'm really scared, Death Adder. What if he
tries to sue me to get his hand back?
Sincerely,
William Wannarun
Dear William,
I can't argue with your logic, William.
You should be scared. This man is about to steal your
girlfriend. It's absolutely clear to me that they are secretly
having an affair. In my day we always hung bloody hooks on the
doors of women we loved. And the women I knew used mutilated horse
heads in place of "Dear John" letters. Those were
simpler times, to be sure.
My only advice is to return the hand to its
owner (quickly, and in his back).
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
8.10.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I am a demonic Hell Spawn
with massive power and legions among legions of Satanic beasts at my
command. I have eliminated Tristram, destroyed peace everywhere, befouled
the Monastary, and I am slowly taking control over the world. My main
problem, however, is that my brother, Baal, is upstaging me, and being
reincarnated after death. How can I overpower him and be the best?
Sincerely,
Diablo, Lord of Terror
Dear Diablo, Lord of Terror,
Oh, I do love these domestic squabbles!
Let's get right to the core of the matter: jealousy. When
you were a little tyke, you felt a deep, burning envy of Baal, didn't
you? Sure, you were bigger and stronger, and your skin had a
better complexion, but Baal was smarter, so much smarter that you could
never quite keep up with him. How many times did you triumphantly
bash his face into the ground, only to discover it was just his clone?
How many nights did you wake up to find your bed filled with slimy
festering appendages? How many days did you stare at his legion of
summoned minions, while all you could muster was a lousy bone prison?
And now that you're older your scales are still too thin, and you can't
handle the sight of your brother's success. It's time to grow up
and face reality, Big D. You might be the baddest demon in Hell,
but you'll never have what it takes to survive Mount Arreat.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
8.01.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I'm legally blind in both
eyes and my doctor told me I might be able to improve my vision with Laser
Eye Surgery. He assures me a minimum improvement of 50% with very
low chance of failure. The cost: $1200.00 per eye. I was going
in for the treatment when a man on the street stopped me. He said he
imported eyeballs from Australia and could give me brand new eyes for only
$85.00 each (and I got to pick the color!). Naturally, I jumped at
the chance. My only real problem is that my wife is particularly
ugly. My horrible vision has been a benefit in my home life.
The thought of seeing her clearly again frightens me. What should I
do?
Sincerely,
Lazy-Eyed Larry
Dear Lazy-Eyed Larry,
I would return to your street vendor and see if
perhaps he doesn't retail imported Australian women as well.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
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