The Golden Axe Resource, Death Adder's Castle

Ask the Death Adder

4.30.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Do you ever cry? Don't you ever feel sorry that you've never won a single battle? Doesn't it hurt your feelings when people laugh at you because of your clothes? Why don't you get an honest job?  Do you get on at the sight of Tyris Flare?  Do you and Tyris Flare share the same wardrobe? It seems so.  Do you enjoy living in a damp, old castle, wouldn't a nice N.Y apartment be nicer?  Or can't you afford it? Why don't I shut up before you come after me and separate my head from my body?

Sincerely, 

Full-o-questions

Dear Full-o-questions,

I shed no tears.  Though I may taste the bitter blade of defeat on occasion, I learn from the experience and come back wiser from it.  I always survive.  Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for those who receive pleasure by writing mocking emails. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

4.27.2001

Dear Death Adder,

A new highway is being built near my neighborhood.  In order to complete construction, a small grove of trees will need to be cut down.  I know for a fact that a group of "little people" live within the trees.  They are no more than four inches high and have pretty pink wings.  These little people are the keepers of the forest and possess magic powers.  I have loved them since I was a boy and they saved me from a pack of ravenous dogs.  Death Adder, I don't want the county to cut down those trees.  I don't want the little people to be angered.  They have done so much for us, and it's time to give back.  In other words, I need to start a bloody, bloody rebellion. What's the best way to get started?

Sincerely,

Sweet Happy Boy

Dear Sweet Happy Boy,

You are mistaken.  The little people have moved from the trees to my castle.  Come here if you want to see them again.  But they'll only visit you if you put on a pretty jester costume I have for you.  And you'll have to dance and make a fool of yourself to draw them out.  Come on over; you'll be much sweeter here. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

4.26.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Many people think the government should spend less on the military and more on the homeless.  I disagree.  I think we should spend more military funds to recruit the homeless and turn them into an elite fighting machine.    Using guerilla tactics, this new force could infiltrate the compounds of our fiercest enemies--like the Canadians.  Soon all our homeless could be wearing necklaces made of Canadian tongues! 

Sincerely,

Big Ideas

Dear Big Ideas,

You obviously haven't given this enough thought.  Are you so foolish as to believe that this peasant army will continue to follow your orders once you have trained them to defend themselves?  Do you think they will be satisfied with merely tongues?  No, they will rise up against you, and seek to undo all the good work you have done for them.  Better to leave them as is, grinding them down with the oppressive heel of your boot.   Remember, give a man a fish, and he will owe you for it; teach him to fish, and soon he will be stealing your pole. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

4.25.2001

Dear Death Adder,

My wife has really been on my case lately about the amount of time I spend playing video games.  She thinks my time would be better spent cutting the grass, painting the house, or raising our son.  Some nights I spend upwards of ten hours playing internet games with strangers.  I no longer get enough sleep and the relationship with my wife is really suffering.  I know I have a problem and I see only one solution.  My question is this: Where can I find a strong, handsome man for my wife to have an affair with?  If she were sneaking out, it would really free up a lot of my personal time.   There would also be less arguing in my house, and that makes good sense.  After all, a child's life is at stake.

Sincerely,

Mr. Mario

Dear Mr. Mario,

You are weak.  You know what you want:  video games.  But you let your worrying for your wife interfere with your enjoyment of this simple pleasure.  Here's a tip:  don't concern yourself with her affairs.  Let her do as she will.  If the arguments are a burden on your child then send him away to a military academy.  Come to think of it, you should do the same with her too. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

4.24.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I despair of the performances of Chelsea Football Club.  One day they thrash tricky opposition, the next they are beaten by mediocre teams.  There seems to be a problem motivating the players for games against smaller teams. How should the coach encourage the players to try harder? 

Sincerely,

B Guvnor

Dear B Guvnor,

Unfortunately, the problem of 'going soft' on weaker opponents is pervasive in human society.  The trick is to teach your men to not feel sorry for the weaklings, but to enjoy punishing them.  They must revel in their superiority every chance they get.  For practice, you should equip them with whips and hammers, then set them loose upon the peasants and serfs of Chelsea.  Once they know the thrill of enforcing subservience, the enemy teams will no longer be a challenge for them. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

4.23.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Hi, my name is Ted and I was thinking about a career change.  Are there any recruiters out there so I may speak with them about joining your army?

Sincerely,

Wish to Join

Dear Wish To Join,

You will find my contacts in many places, most notably in bars and places of slave labor.  You will be asked for a resume; make sure you list all your qualifications, such as acts of cruelty, attention to detail, technical proficiency with weapons, proper attire and high levels of fanaticism.  You will then be put through a combat test; if you survive you will be brought to my castle for further interrogation and instruction.  It is there that you will be placed in a position consistent with your skills.  Be assured, I retain final approval of all job assignments. 

Do You Have What It Takes?

The Death Adder

4.20.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Why?

Sincerely,

Mr. Question

Dear Mr. Question,

Why not?

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

4.19.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I sure hope you can help!  Some people like Log Cabin Syrup.  Other people like Aunt Jamima Syrup.  But personally, I like Golden Griddle best.  

My question is this:  Where is the best place on the internet to download pornography?

Sincerely,

Uncle Jamima

Dear Uncle Jamima,

I can't help you on this one.  The internet is a tool for knowledge and growth, not a medium to satisfy your basest cravings.  Shame on you for abusing it this way!  Besides, why should you waste time downloading porn when you can just summon a live slave girl from the masses of cowering townsfolk? 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

4.18.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I am in the tenth grade.  When I eat french bread pizza (or "pizza barges"  as we call them in school), I try and make the meal more exciting.  I imagine the crust represents America at its very beginnings, the cheese represents the native populations, and the hamburger topping represents the settlers who began appearing all over the once virgin landscape.    As you can see,  this is a perfect illustration of American history, where the "Hamburger People" slowly moved into the lands of the "Cheese People,"  eventually taking everything--basically, turning it into a meat-lover's pizza.

I would think such theories would encourage many to dine with me over lunch, but it hasn't happened yet.  I used to make ink-blot tests with napkins and ketchup.  Nobody seemed interested in that either.  Are my ideas too advanced for such children? 

Sincerely,

Mr. Lonely

Dear Mr. Lonely,

Your problem reminds me of a friend I had during my years of secondary education.  He was having trouble attracting friends, especially female ones.  He decided that the best way to remedy this would be to purchase himself a new chariot.  Not extremely wealthy at the time, he bought an older one.  The model was a Galaxian 500, which was almost an antique at the time.  He told me it would impress all the ladies with its giant, powerful wheels and wide back seat which was just perfect for necking up at the eagle's roost.  Alas, he was wrong.  Women were turned off by its bulky, garish design.  He nearly went bankrupt feeding all the horses it took to haul that behemoth.  Eventually he found love, but it had nothing to do with his chariot.  Now it sits in some scrap heap, its potential for romantic conquests forgotten.  What does this story have to do with your food obsession?  Not much, but I'm sure it will help you in some way.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

4.17.2001

Dear Death Adder,

My husband is going through a midlife crisis.  He sold our house to buy a stunt motorcycle and a leather jumpsuit.  His plan is to become the first man to jump the English Channel in a motorcycle.  I've told him this is a distance of several miles, but he thinks with the proper wind conditions (and faith in God) this is possible.  On one hand, I fear for his life, but on the other hand, he looks really good in that jumpsuit.  What am I to do? 

Sincerely,

Worried Wife

Dear Worried Wife,

Tell your husband to abandon his motorcycle idea.  The best way to travel great distances is on the back of a giant dragon.  You have to keep your eyes open for hostile stowaways, but besides that it is a smooth ride with a great view.  And of course he can keep his precious jumpsuit too.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

4.16.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I've been having trouble sleeping.  When I dream, my arms and legs flair about uncontrollably.  Because of this, I inadvertently knock over lamps, books, and glasses of water--anything beside my bed.  I thought I might tie myself to bed at night, but what if there is a fire?  Is there a night-time remedy I might take?

Also, I've had stomach pains since eating a burrito I found on a sewer grate.  And headaches, too.  Any idea what that might be?

Sincerely,

The Mad-Sleeper

Dear Mad Sleeper,

From what you describe it is very clear to me that you are being controlled by demonic forces.  I consulted with some of my closer demon friends and they agree that you exhibit the symptoms of one possessed by a lesser beast, perhaps Ba-Ruul or maybe even Azrat, the Master of Chaos.  This type of possession typically manifests itself when the mind is most vulnerable, hence your odd behavior at night.  I have been told death is the only certain way to fully exorcise the demon; eating the rotten burrito was an action of your subconscious mind attempting to escape this way.  You might also try rolling around on hot coals or digging open a fire ant mound with your bare hands.  Be advised that these techniques have never been proven to be 100% effective.

Pass The Hot Sauce,

The Death Adder

4.13.2001

Dear Death Adder,

The Amish!  Their wagons, their hand-made clothes, their barn raisings!  Something needs to be done about these people and done fast.  I punched one  the other day and he just fell down like a sissy.  I stole his horse and rode around yelling, "Hey, I'm Amish!  Hey, look at me, I'm Amish!" but no one seemed to see the irony.  What's the matter with this world?

Sincerely,

Amish!

Dear Amish!,

Your natural skills of cruelty and bullying are quite valuable.  Have you ever considered a career switch?  I think you would do an excellent job as one of my miscellaneous thugs.  With time and effort you might even rise to the position of henchmen.  Join me, and together we will rule the galaxy, as master and servant!

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

4.12.2001

Dear Death Adder,

My neighbor's tree overhangs my fence and drops leaves onto my lawn.  It's okay in the Summer, but come Fall, it makes a terrible mess.  I've asked him to trim back the branches, but he refused.  I fear doing it myself because his wife is a member of the city council and she knows I hold illegal cock fights in my garage.  What choices do I have left?  Should I go the police department?  Should I take the law into my own hands.  Help me!

Sincerely,

Leaf-Me-Alone

Dear Leaf-Me-Alone,

Your biggest challenge is that your opponent's mate is in a position of power.  She must be removed from this, and soon.  I recommend a coup, preferably a violent one.  Once you have dethroned and beheaded her, you will assume her mantle of authority.  This will give you the freedom to do as you please: trim your neighbor's tree, burn his house down, enslave other neighbors to work at Hokari Sweat, etc. 

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

4.11.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I graduated high school nearly ten years ago, but I still think about those days like they just happened.  Some nights I'm up all night paging through yearbooks looking at my long-lost crushes.  Will Carrie or Heather or Ms. Manthey ever find their way back into my arms?  Am I sick for believing someday they will?

Sincerely,

Lost in Love

Dear Lost in Love,

If these females refused to become your concubines, then why are they still alive?  Few women have ever rejected the advances of the Death Adder, but I assure you that those that did no  longer have a nose to hold snootily in the air, or for that matter, a head to attach the nose to.  If you are so weak that you could not avenge your honor upon these women, then you are not worthy of my help.

You Offend Me,

The Death Adder

4.10.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I hope you can help me.  Like most people, I am recovering from a major glue-sniffing addiction.   Here is the weird part:  Sometimes, when on a glue-sniffing binge, I heard dead people speaking to me.  Ever since I quit my habit, there have been no more voices.  I now wonder if my hearing the dead was a gift that should have been fostered.  Should I go back to the glue?

Sincerely,

Sniff-sniff

Dear Sniff-sniff,

Substance abuse is a very serious subject (I personally have my own issues with Lomin-Ale).  But in this day and age you should never have to rely on drugs for pleasure or insight.  Instead, you should throw yourself off the top of a very tall building.  Once you hit the ground, you will be able to commune with the dead as much as you please.

Good luck tossing the habit,

The Death Adder

4.09.2001

Hey Death Adder,

What's with the cape?  Sissies wear capes.  You'll wear a cape but not a shirt?  And how about some pants?

Do us all a favor.  I'm tired of having you prance around in nothing but a helmet and a codpiece.  

Sincerely,

Clothes are Good

Dear Clothes are Good,

It cannot be helped that you are intimidated by my style of dress.  Do you feel inferior when confronted by my bulging pectorals and tree trunk legs?  Do you lay awake at night sweating because you know that the chicks will never cling to you the way they do to the Death Adder?

Well?  Do you, GIRLY MAN?

Your Idol,

The Death Adder

4.06.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I laugh so hard when I see you in your pink armor, that I usually lose a life because of the distraction. Pink armor!  Hahaha!

Sincerely thinking whether it was wise to mock you,

Tears of Laughter

Dear Tears of Laughter,

If your laughter is killing you then the pink armor is definitely doing its job.  It doesn't matter how or why you die, it only matters that you are DEAD.  Only when I am squeezing the congealed blood from your lifeless corpse will I be satisfied, for that is what I use to make the pretty pink dye that amuses you so.

The Death Adder works in mysterious ways.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

Read past letters to The Death Adder