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Ask the Death Adder
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4.30.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Do you ever cry? Don't you ever feel
sorry that you've never won a single battle? Doesn't it hurt your
feelings when people laugh at you because of your clothes? Why don't you
get an honest job? Do you get on at the sight of Tyris Flare?
Do you and Tyris Flare share the same wardrobe? It seems so. Do
you enjoy living in a damp, old castle, wouldn't a nice N.Y apartment be
nicer? Or can't you afford it? Why don't I shut up before you come
after me and separate my head from my body?
Sincerely,
Full-o-questions
Dear Full-o-questions,
I shed no tears. Though I may taste
the bitter blade of defeat on occasion, I learn from the experience and
come back wiser from it. I always survive. Unfortunately,
the same cannot be said for those who receive pleasure by writing
mocking emails.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
4.27.2001
Dear Death Adder,
A new highway is being built near my
neighborhood. In order to complete construction, a small grove of
trees will need to be cut down. I know for a fact that a group of
"little people" live within the trees. They are no more
than four inches high and have pretty pink wings. These little
people are the keepers of the forest and possess magic powers. I
have loved them since I was a boy and they saved me from a pack of
ravenous dogs. Death Adder, I don't want the county to cut down
those trees. I don't want the little people to be angered.
They have done so much for us, and it's time to give back. In
other words, I need to start a bloody, bloody rebellion. What's the best
way to get started?
Sincerely,
Sweet Happy Boy
Dear Sweet Happy Boy,
You are mistaken. The little people
have moved from the trees to my castle. Come here if you want to
see them again. But they'll only visit you if you put on a pretty
jester costume I have for you. And you'll have to dance and make a
fool of yourself to draw them out. Come on over; you'll be much
sweeter here.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
4.26.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Many people think the government should
spend less on the military and more on the homeless. I disagree.
I think we should spend more military funds to recruit the homeless and
turn them into an elite fighting machine. Using
guerilla tactics, this new force could infiltrate the compounds of our
fiercest enemies--like the Canadians. Soon all our homeless could
be wearing necklaces made of Canadian tongues!
Sincerely,
Big Ideas
Dear Big Ideas,
You obviously haven't given this enough
thought. Are you so foolish as to believe that this peasant army
will continue to follow your orders once you have trained them to defend
themselves? Do you think they will be satisfied with merely
tongues? No, they will rise up against you, and seek to undo all
the good work you have done for them. Better to leave them as is,
grinding them down with the oppressive heel of your boot.
Remember, give a man a fish, and he will owe you for it; teach him to
fish, and soon he will be stealing your pole.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
4.25.2001
Dear Death Adder,
My wife has really been on my case
lately about the amount of time I spend playing video games. She
thinks my time would be better spent cutting the grass, painting the
house, or raising our son. Some nights I spend upwards of ten
hours playing internet games with strangers. I no longer get
enough sleep and the relationship with my wife is really suffering.
I know I have a problem and I see only one solution. My question
is this: Where can I find a strong, handsome man for my wife to have an
affair with? If she were sneaking out, it would really free up a
lot of my personal time. There would also be less arguing in
my house, and that makes good sense. After all, a child's life is
at stake.
Sincerely,
Mr. Mario
Dear Mr. Mario,
You are weak. You know what you want:
video games. But you let your worrying for your wife interfere
with your enjoyment of this simple pleasure. Here's a tip:
don't concern yourself with her affairs. Let her do as she will.
If the arguments are a burden on your child then send him away to a
military academy. Come to think of it, you should do the same with
her too.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
4.24.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I despair of the performances of Chelsea
Football Club. One day they thrash tricky opposition, the next
they are beaten by mediocre teams. There seems to be a problem
motivating the players for games against smaller teams. How should the
coach encourage the players to try harder?
Sincerely,
B Guvnor
Dear B Guvnor,
Unfortunately, the problem of 'going soft'
on weaker opponents is pervasive in human society. The trick is to
teach your men to not feel sorry for the weaklings, but to enjoy
punishing them. They must revel in their superiority every chance
they get. For practice, you should equip them with whips and
hammers, then set them loose upon the peasants and serfs of Chelsea.
Once they know the thrill of enforcing subservience, the enemy teams
will no longer be a challenge for them.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
4.23.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Hi, my name is Ted and I was thinking
about a career change. Are there any recruiters out there so I may
speak with them about joining your army?
Sincerely,
Wish to Join
Dear Wish To Join,
You will find my contacts in many places, most notably in bars and
places of slave labor. You will be asked for a resume; make sure
you list all your qualifications, such as acts of cruelty, attention to
detail, technical proficiency with weapons, proper attire and high
levels of fanaticism. You will then be put through a combat test;
if you survive you will be brought to my castle for further
interrogation and instruction. It is there that you will be placed
in a position consistent with your skills. Be assured, I retain
final approval of all job assignments.
Do You Have What It Takes?
The Death Adder
4.20.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Why?
Sincerely,
Mr. Question
Dear Mr. Question,
Why not?
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
4.19.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I sure hope you can help! Some
people like Log Cabin Syrup. Other people like Aunt Jamima Syrup.
But personally, I like Golden Griddle best.
My question is this: Where is the
best place on the internet to download pornography?
Sincerely,
Uncle Jamima
Dear Uncle Jamima,
I can't help you on this one. The internet is a tool for knowledge
and growth, not a medium to satisfy your basest cravings. Shame on
you for abusing it this way! Besides, why should you waste time
downloading porn when you can just summon a live slave girl from the
masses of cowering townsfolk?
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
4.18.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I am in the tenth grade. When I eat french bread pizza (or
"pizza barges" as we call them in school), I try and
make the meal more exciting. I imagine the crust represents
America at its very beginnings, the cheese represents the native
populations, and the hamburger topping represents the settlers who began
appearing all over the once virgin landscape. As you
can see, this is a perfect illustration of American history, where
the "Hamburger People" slowly moved into the lands of the
"Cheese People," eventually taking
everything--basically, turning it into a meat-lover's pizza.
I would think such theories would encourage many to dine with me over
lunch, but it hasn't happened yet. I used to make ink-blot tests
with napkins and ketchup. Nobody seemed interested in that either.
Are my ideas too advanced for such children?
Sincerely,
Mr. Lonely
Dear Mr. Lonely,
Your problem reminds me of a friend I had
during my years of secondary education. He was having trouble
attracting friends, especially female ones. He decided that the
best way to remedy this would be to purchase himself a new chariot.
Not extremely wealthy at the time, he bought an older one. The
model was a Galaxian 500, which was almost an antique at the time.
He told me it would impress all the ladies with its giant, powerful
wheels and wide back seat which was just perfect for necking up at the
eagle's roost. Alas, he was wrong. Women were turned off by
its bulky, garish design. He nearly went bankrupt feeding all the
horses it took to haul that behemoth. Eventually he found love,
but it had nothing to do with his chariot. Now it sits in some
scrap heap, its potential for romantic conquests forgotten. What
does this story have to do with your food obsession? Not much, but
I'm sure it will help you in some way.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
4.17.2001
Dear Death Adder,
My husband is going through a midlife crisis. He sold our house to
buy a stunt motorcycle and a leather jumpsuit. His plan is to
become the first man to jump the English Channel in a motorcycle.
I've told him this is a distance of several miles, but he thinks with
the proper wind conditions (and faith in God) this is possible. On
one hand, I fear for his life, but on the other hand, he looks really
good in that jumpsuit. What am I to do?
Sincerely,
Worried Wife
Dear Worried Wife,
Tell your husband to abandon his motorcycle idea. The best way to
travel great distances is on the back of a giant dragon. You have
to keep your eyes open for hostile stowaways, but besides that it is a
smooth ride with a great view. And of course he can keep his
precious jumpsuit too.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
4.16.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I've been having trouble sleeping.
When I dream, my arms and legs flair about uncontrollably. Because
of this, I inadvertently knock over lamps, books, and glasses of
water--anything beside my bed. I thought I might tie myself to bed
at night, but what if there is a fire? Is there a night-time
remedy I might take?
Also, I've had stomach pains since
eating a burrito I found on a sewer grate. And headaches, too.
Any idea what that might be?
Sincerely,
The Mad-Sleeper
Dear Mad Sleeper,
From what you describe it is very clear to me that you are being
controlled by demonic forces. I consulted with some of my closer
demon friends and they agree that you exhibit the symptoms of one
possessed by a lesser beast, perhaps Ba-Ruul or maybe even Azrat, the
Master of Chaos. This type of possession typically manifests
itself when the mind is most vulnerable, hence your odd behavior at
night. I have been told death is the only certain way to fully
exorcise the demon; eating the rotten burrito was an action of your
subconscious mind attempting to escape this way. You might also
try rolling around on hot coals or digging open a fire ant mound with
your bare hands. Be advised that these techniques have never been
proven to be 100% effective.
Pass The Hot Sauce,
The Death Adder
4.13.2001
Dear Death Adder,
The Amish! Their wagons, their hand-made clothes, their barn
raisings! Something needs to be done about these people and done
fast. I punched one the other day and he just fell down like
a sissy. I stole his horse and rode around yelling, "Hey, I'm
Amish! Hey, look at me, I'm Amish!" but no one seemed to see
the irony. What's the matter with this world?
Sincerely,
Amish!
Dear Amish!,
Your natural skills of cruelty and bullying are quite valuable.
Have you ever considered a career switch? I think you would do an
excellent job as one of my miscellaneous thugs. With time and
effort you might even rise to the position of henchmen. Join me,
and together we will rule the galaxy, as master and servant!
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
4.12.2001
Dear Death Adder,
My neighbor's tree overhangs my fence
and drops leaves onto my lawn. It's okay in the Summer, but come
Fall, it makes a terrible mess. I've asked him to trim back the
branches, but he refused. I fear doing it myself because his wife
is a member of the city council and she knows I hold illegal cock fights
in my garage. What choices do I have left? Should I go the
police department? Should I take the law into my own hands.
Help me!
Sincerely,
Leaf-Me-Alone
Dear Leaf-Me-Alone,
Your biggest challenge is that your opponent's mate is in a position of
power. She must be removed from this, and soon. I recommend
a coup, preferably a violent one. Once you have dethroned and
beheaded her, you will assume her mantle of authority. This will
give you the freedom to do as you please: trim your neighbor's tree,
burn his house down, enslave other neighbors to work at Hokari Sweat,
etc.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
4.11.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I graduated high school nearly ten years
ago, but I still think about those days like they just happened.
Some nights I'm up all night paging through yearbooks looking at my
long-lost crushes. Will Carrie or Heather or Ms. Manthey ever find
their way back into my arms? Am I sick for believing someday they
will?
Sincerely,
Lost in Love
Dear Lost in Love,
If these females refused to become your concubines, then why are they
still alive? Few women have ever rejected the advances of the
Death Adder, but I assure you that those that did no longer have a
nose to hold snootily in the air, or for that matter, a head to attach
the nose to. If you are so weak that you could not avenge your
honor upon these women, then you are not worthy of my help.
You Offend Me,
The Death Adder
4.10.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I hope you can help me. Like most people, I am recovering from a
major glue-sniffing addiction. Here is the weird part:
Sometimes, when on a glue-sniffing binge, I heard dead people speaking
to me. Ever since I quit my habit, there have been no more voices.
I now wonder if my hearing the dead was a gift that should have been
fostered. Should I go back to the glue?
Sincerely,
Sniff-sniff
Dear Sniff-sniff,
Substance abuse is a very serious subject
(I personally have my own issues with Lomin-Ale). But in this day
and age you should never have to rely on drugs for pleasure or insight.
Instead, you should throw yourself off the top of a very tall building.
Once you hit the ground, you will be able to commune with the dead as
much as you please.
Good luck tossing the habit,
The Death Adder
4.09.2001
Hey Death Adder,
What's with the cape? Sissies wear
capes. You'll wear a cape but not a shirt? And how about
some pants?
Do us all a favor. I'm tired of
having you prance around in nothing but a helmet and a codpiece.
Sincerely,
Clothes are Good
Dear Clothes are Good,
It cannot be helped that you are
intimidated by my style of dress. Do you feel inferior when
confronted by my bulging pectorals and tree trunk legs? Do you lay
awake at night sweating because you know that the chicks will never
cling to you the way they do to the Death Adder?
Well? Do you, GIRLY MAN?
Your Idol,
The Death Adder
4.06.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I laugh so hard when I see you in your
pink armor, that I usually lose a life because of the distraction. Pink
armor! Hahaha!
Sincerely thinking whether it was wise to mock you,
Tears of Laughter
Dear Tears of Laughter,
If your laughter is killing you then the
pink armor is definitely doing its job. It doesn't matter how or
why you die, it only matters that you are DEAD. Only when I am
squeezing the congealed blood from your lifeless corpse will I be
satisfied, for that is what I use to make the pretty pink dye that
amuses you so.
The Death Adder works in mysterious ways.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
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