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3.30.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I am 15 years old girl and I like to
date boys my own age. My mother says that if I keep dating, I will
build myself a bad reputation. What do you think? Am I too
young to date?
Sincerely,
Too-Young-To-Date
Dear Too-Young-To-Date,
Can you take the color from a butterfly's
wings?
Can you squeeze the beauty out of a
rainbow?
Can the majesty of a waterfall be tamed?
I don't know the answers to these questions
. . . but do you know who does? You mother. She seems to
have ALL the answers!
From now on, I am your father. And
together, we will rule the world.
Sincerely,
Your father, The Death Adder
3.29.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Congratulate me! My wife is
pregnant and I am so proud. Oh, the plans we need to make. I
was wondering, what would be a good name for a beautiful baby girl?
There are so many things we need to do so I'm looking for help wherever
I can.
Sincerely,
Dad-to-Be
Dear Dad-to-Be,
Why do you need to name the girl for?
I thought you said you were proud. Most municipalities have
orphanages and night-time drop boxes so you don't have to face the shame
of having a girl-child. The new parents (who will probably use her
as a servant of some kind) will give her a suitable name.
Better luck next time,
Death Adder
3.28.2001
Dear Death Adder
I need help! Nobody at work is
taking me seriously. Each day I try and offer suggestions like:
Maybe we should form an office pool to pay for our water cooler.
Nobody listens. I want the respect I think I deserve.
Signed,
Mr. No-Respect
Dear Mr. No-Respect,
Sure, everyone has wants more respect.
Everyone wants to feel loved. But that's not going to happen.
Not ever. You'll never, ever get it. So you might as well
just forget about it. If you kill yourself (which is what I
suggest) do it in a way that won't inconvenience others--like tossing
yourself into a deep, deep lake.
Sincerely,
Death Adder
3.27.2001
Dear Death Adder,
We're having a formal dinner on Saturday
and my husband wants to serve crab legs. I am sure that formal
dining etiquette would not allow for eating crab legs on account of the
fact there is no neat and tidy way to consume them. I prefer to
serve open-tailed lobster. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Seafood
Dear Mrs. Seafood,
I can tell from the tone of your letter you
are not very smart. Anything I might tell you would slip in one
ear and out the other. Good luck. You'll need it.
Best wishes,
Death Adder
3.26.2001
Dear Death Adder,
With all this talk recently about tax
cuts and national debt and reinvesting in education, I'm a little
confused. On one hand, I want more money going into the pockets of
my friends and family, while on the other hand, I want to see more spent
on education and roads and the homeless. Is there an answer to
this on-going debate?
Sincerely,
Lost in Thought
Dear Lost in Thought,
There is an answer: The military. All
funds should be spent on the military. We need food for the
hungry--roll in the forces to a land of plenty and take it. We
need better roads--find a country that has them and conquer it.
It's quite simple really. Conquer, plunder, steal. Three
simple concepts that make the world a much better place.
Best to your family,
Death Adder
3.23.2001
Dear Death Adder,
If I'm shopping on eBay, what is that
whole "Proxy" bid thing about? And what's a
"Dutch" auction?
Signed,
eBay-Illiterate
Dear eBay-Illiterate,
Proxy bidding is an easy way to enjoy
fast-paced auction-style bidding (betray your family) from the
privacy of you own home (join the forces of evil). By
entering a proxy bid (kill), the eBay system automatically
updates your bid to your maximum amount, even if you are not there (find
the Golden Axe and bring it to me).
A Dutch auction occurs when a seller has a
large quantity of similar items (stab, kill, destroy) and wants
to sell them all at the same time (sell your children to me).
Hope I have been of some help (Join me.
Join me. Join me!)
-Death Adder
3.22.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I hope you can help! Recently I
have been walking door to door with a petition to get more research
money for generating Wind Power as an alternative power source.
Most of these folks have slammed the door in my face. Don't they
realize that our fossil fuels are rapidly being depleted? We need
to find new alternative fuels, and we need to find them now. Can
you help?
Sincerely,
Power to the Wind
Dear Power to the Wind,
The Death Adder has no time for your
"wind" problems. My own castle is dark and drafty.
The less wind, the better. Your time would be better spent hunting
down and killing villagers and peasants. And little green and blue
trolls. Especially them.
Sincerely,
Death Adder
3.21.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I have a problem. My wedding is
rapidly approaching and my future wife and I just can't agree on the
floral arrangements. She wants to use a traditional floral
arrangements with roses and baby's breath, and I prefer to use a single
daisy in remembrance of my grandmother Daisy who just died. Is
this worth arguing over? Who is right?
Signed,
Mr. Floral Distress
Mr. Floral Distress,
Your problem is your weak knees. Do
you own a good sword? If so, ram it into the stomach of all who
oppose you. An axe will also do the trick. Collect their
blood and serve it at your rehearsal dinner. Your Grandmother
Daisy will be smiling up at you from hell, be sure.
Sincerely,
Death Adder
3.20.2001
Dear Mr. Death Adder
My husband tells me I am spending too
much money. I do run up excessive credit card debts, but never on
myself--usually buying him new clothes or subscriptions to Golf
Digest. I want to keep my husband happy, but I also want to buy
him the things I think he needs and deserves. Can you help?
Sincerely,
Mrs Love-Him-Too-Much
Dear Mrs Love-Him-Too-Much,
From your letter it is clear your husband
is cheating on you with many, many young women--some of them are your
relatives. As per your requests I have sent General Bitter to make
sure he dies a horrible death.
No thanks needed,
Death Adder
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