As of 10.19.08, Death
Adder has retired from "Ask the Death Adder," due to countless new
villages in desperate need of invasion. In the meantime, those of you
who seek advice, wisdom, and whatnot, Ax Battler is filling in for
Death Adder. Send me
your questions, and I will forward them to Ax Battler for his reply.
I'm really worried about my husband. He seems to be so addicted to
video games, that little else matters in his life. Ever since the
release of Golden Axe: Beast Rider, he's spent so much time playing, he
barely gets out of his seat! The only thing he's eaten in the past week
are cups of ramen and pizza. He rarely even gets up to use the
We barely even have a sex life anymore! Last Tuesday he kept screaming
Tyris' name instead of mine! I've tried talking to him about his gaming
addiction, hiding the controllers, even threatening divorce. Nothing
seems to get through to him! (And I'm not sure his kidneys can handle
it much longer...) Is there anything else I should do?
Dear Worried Wife,
The answer to your problem is simple. Style your hair like Tyris.
Legally change your name to Tyris and finally, get ass implants like
Tyris. See? Marriage saved.
Make sure to send pictures of your new rump,
Dear Ax Battler,
I have an
axe for wood splitting, an axe for battling enemies, an axe for
dog, etc. My special custom-made axe bag
is full to the brim. But I think my happiness is
linked to owning just one more axe. But
my wife says I have enough. She may be right
don't currently have enough money to buy the axe I want, and my
complain about their stomachs hurting from hunger. Oh, and we're
homeless. We wander
the streets pulling a wagon of full of axes, begging for coins. And I
have also lost an arm
due to my poor axe-handling abilities. And a child. What should I do?
Unsure Axe Owner,
obviously need to get your wife in check. No harm has ever come to any
one from owning too many axes. You say you can't
afford a new axe and that your children are
You can solve both problems with one fell swoop. Simply sells your
children to raise the
money for your axe. Children are a hot item on the market these and a
boy with a strong back can bring in a lot of
loot. Also, might I suggest replacing your missing arm
with an axe?
Dear Death Adder,
It seemed that my populace is
starting to rise up against me. How dare they refuse my walking tax; it
seems obvious I should tax them for walking when I haven't broken their
legs yet. But anyway, I solved that problem by taking off the legs of
the tax fraudsters. I need a good deterrent. Someone
suggested playing Bob the Builder to scare people into submission, yet
I'm for a more conventional means of control (murder, fear, fear of
murder). What would you suggest?
Some Anonymous Tough Guy
Some Anonymous Tough Guy,
should have installed a "NOT WALKING" tax instead. Obesity if
a growing problem. You may as well order all food to be
prepared using trans fats. Your populace should be
prepared to fight on your behalf. What kind of fatty army do you think
you will have at this rate? Where are you located? I would
love an easy takeover. I will show your people the softer
side of brutal dictatorship.
Dear Death Adder,
Who would win in a fight:
Giant fat bald-headed guy with huge
hammer and handle-bars moustache
Giant armored knight with huge sword and shield
I'm going with the fatty. Oddly
enough, he is willing to run but the knight always walks with the speed
of a turtle. I say fatty wins via full sprint leaping body splash,
which in turn smothers the knight into suffocation. There's no way the
knight would be able to get that fat guy off.
Who Would Win In A Fight Guy
Would Win In A Fight Guy
are an fool. What possible reason would these two men have
for fighting each other? Clearly they would join forces TOGETHER to
battle big tobacco, EPA violators, and crooked politicians.
They would also go after the people that don't turn their cell phones
off during a movie. Those chatty bastards should die a bloody
death for sure.
Dear Death Adder,
probably know, mid-term elections are coming up here on November
has gotten me thinking about two years from now and the 2008
you have any predictions about who will end up being the final nominees? Does
stand a chance?
about Rick Santorum?
gets me excited because I’m pretty sure he punches babies for
Giuliani end up being the dark horse upset candidate? Personally, I say why vote for
the lesser of two evils? I’d
be very interested in your thoughts.
While I regularly practice voter fraud, I do not feel it necessary to
about any candidates. I simply sell my numerous votes to
whomever offers me cash, a free lunch, or even a pack of
I just like to get as many little red "I voted" stickers as
possible. It's like saying, "Oh, you may have voted all right,
but I voted more!"
I did care, I would vote for the worse
of two evils, rather than the lesser. As the saying goes, less
is not more, it's just less.
The other day my two-year-old son was watching me play Golden Axe on my
computer (thank you MAME32) when he suddenly exclaimed, "Mau!
Mau!" and pointed excitedly at the floor. I looked down to
see a baby mouse, not three weeks old, sitting there staring back at
him in wonderment. At least until my foot slammed down on it,
again and again. After about 20 minutes I paused to check;
sure enough there was nothing left but a bloody stain and some bits of
fur. My son was staring at the smear with glazed
eyes. To break him out of his catatonic state I made him
clean up the mess.
Anyway, his birthday is coming up soon. What should I get him
for a present?
You should be ashamed of yourself. Clearly your son is having
trouble with his vision. First, instead of a mouse on the
floor he sees a man who pursued the ideal of a
strong, prosperous, and socially egalitarian China,
endeavoring to build a modern, industrialized,
socialist nation. You acknowledged yourself
that your son's eyes were glazed. I think
it is pathetic when a man cannot attend to the basic needs of his
child. Take your kid to the eye doctor, you heathen.
It's this kind of neglect that leads kids to grow up and mutilate
Shame, shame, shame,
The Death Adder
Dear Death Adder,
My husband has a nasty habit of
removing his glass eye at the dinner table. Once removed, he
places it in an empty salad bowl and spins it around like a roulette
wheel, yelling, "Place your bets, place your bets!" When the
eye stops, he says, "Winner! Winners are those who bet on the
DISGUSTING EYE!" At which point he overturns his plate of
food, pours wine on the carpet, and storms out of the room.
Is it even remotely possible that this kind of behavior might have a
negative impact on my children?
Eye Don't Understand
Dear Eye Don't Understand,
What I don't understand is why you still have carpet on your
floors? Do you relish cleaning your carpet day after
day? The scrubbing you must have to do to get the wine stains
out may be great for building upper body strength, but really
-- there is a much easier way. I recommend installing a high
quality laminate floor, like Pergo. After that,
clean-up will be a breeze. A couple swipes of a dish rag and
your floor is as clean as a whistle. Have your children help
you install it as your husband needs the free time to
investigate a new means of gambling with better odds than
roulette. Personally, I recommend the Powerball.
The Death Adder
For many years now,
an owl has been swooping down from a tree in my backyard, grabbing my
cats, and whisking them away into the sky. Typically, about
three days later, the cats come wondering back, looking
confused, and desiring only to eat scrabbled eggs and root beer (which
they call "meow-meow"). I have grown to accept this as a
normal part of every day life. Yesterday, though, the owl
didn't take one of my cats, but my wife! I didn't see it
happen, but my wife
gone, as are most of her personal belongings, my new car, credit cards,
and our shared savings at the bank. I waited three days for
her return, but still no wife. This time
that owl has gone to far! What can I
Concerned and Wifeless
Dear Concerned and
Owls can be real pests indeed.
Obviously your wife is fat, so we are dealing with an owl of gigantic
proportions. What you need is an enormous
scarecrow. Perhaps thirty feet tall. Make things
clear by dressing your scarecrow in a tee-shirt that says, "I hate
owls." Even better would be a shirt with a picture of an owl
inside a circle with big slash over it. As you know,
illiteracy is a growing problem in the owl community.
Dear Death Adder,
My wife and I are
having a hard time deciding what kind of dog to get. Because
we have three small children (ages 5, 4, and 2) my wife is looking for
a dog that will work well as a family companion. She
will take any size, but it needs to have a stable temperament, be
friendly around children, and be able to socialize with other
dogs. Whereas I'm looking for a blood-thirsty, unstoppable,
inbred menace. A terror to young and old, the dog I want will
not only kill without provocation, but will then steal your
credit cards and use them online to order Russian wives, which when
delivered, will also be eaten. It must also be able to wear
those cute dog sweaters, because it can get cold here in the winter.
You clearly lack insight. Dogs can
be trained. You can bend them to your will quite simply with
a milkbone, a verbal correction, or a severe beating. You may
manage to get a bloodthirsty mutt into you home, only to have your
wife train it into submission. You could, of course,
get a rabid dog, but it would only die soon after and you are right
back where you started. You need to think outside the
crate. You need a creature that cannot be
tamed. My personal suggestion is an emu. Now here
is a beast not to be trusted. That freakishly long neck,
beady eyes, and finger crushing beak would instill fear, not only in
your neighbors, but also your family. Your wife will think
twice before sticking a shock collar on this fine animal for she knows
she will have only a bloody stump to show for her efforts.
Sure, you will be unable to mow the grass in your backyard, but the
grass will be too scared to grow, so it all works out.
Dear Death Adder,
It's like been 15 months.
What have you been up to? Why haven't you been answering our
questions? And one other thing, where did I put my car keys?
Where Are My Car Keys Lady
Where Are My Car Keys Lady,
all people have been asking me lately. Where have you
been? What have you been doing for the past fifteen
months? How about this for an answer: Avoiding you.
Always calling, always nagging. One time we went out to a
simple dinner-date to Don Pablos and suddenly that's some kind of
life-long commitment? I made it clear it was work-related,
not romance-related. Did you really have to start discussing
wedding plans with your sister-in-law? A little early, don't
you think? Move on, baby, it's for the best. We
were never meant to be together.
for your car keys, last I saw them they were on a counter at a pawn
shop on top of a title deed with what looked like a crudely forged
"The Best Of" Ask the Death Adder