As of 10.19.08, Death Adder has retired from "Ask the Death Adder," due to countless new villages in desperate need of invasion. In the meantime, those of you who seek advice, wisdom, and whatnot, Ax Battler is filling in for Death Adder. Send me your questions, and I will forward them to Ax Battler for his reply.

10.25.08

10.19.08

Dear Ax Battler,

I have an axe for wood splitting, an axe for battling enemies, an axe for displining the        dog, etc. My special custom-made axe bag is full to the brim. But I think my happiness is linked to owning just one more axe. But my wife says I have enough. She may be right     because I don't currently have enough money to buy the axe I want, and my children     often complain about their stomachs hurting from hunger. Oh, and we're homeless. We wander the streets pulling a wagon of full of axes, begging for coins. And I have also lost an arm due to my poor axe-handling abilities. And a child. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Unsure Axe Owner


Dear Unsure Axe Owner,

You obviously need to get your wife in check. No harm has ever come to any one from owning too many axes. You say you can't afford a new axe and that your children are     hungry. You can solve both problems with one fell swoop. Simply sells your children to raise the money for your axe. Children are a hot item on the market these and a boy with a strong back can bring in a lot of loot. Also, might I suggest replacing your missing arm with an axe?

Better than you,

Ax Battler

2.02.2007

Dear Death Adder,

It seemed that my populace is starting to rise up against me. How dare they refuse my walking tax; it seems obvious I should tax them for walking when I haven't broken their legs yet. But anyway, I solved that problem by taking off the legs of the tax fraudsters. I need a good deterrent.  Someone suggested playing Bob the Builder to scare people into submission, yet I'm for a more conventional means of control (murder, fear, fear of murder). What would you suggest?

Sincerely,

Some Anonymous Tough Guy

Dear Some Anonymous Tough Guy,

You should have installed a "NOT WALKING" tax instead.  Obesity if a growing problem.  You may as well order all food to be prepared  using trans fats.  Your populace should be prepared to fight on your behalf. What kind of fatty army do you think you will have at this rate? Where are you located?  I would love an easy takeover.  I will show your people the softer side of brutal dictatorship.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

2.01.2007

Dear Death Adder,

Who would win in a fight:

Giant fat bald-headed guy with huge hammer and handle-bars moustache
versus
Giant armored knight with huge sword and shield

I'm going with the fatty. Oddly enough, he is willing to run but the knight always walks with the speed of a turtle. I say fatty wins via full sprint leaping body splash, which in turn smothers the knight into suffocation. There's no way the knight would be able to get that fat guy off.

 

Sincerely,

 

Who Would Win In A Fight Guy

 

Dear Who Would Win In A Fight Guy

You are an fool.  What possible reason would these two men have for fighting each other? Clearly they would join forces TOGETHER to battle big tobacco, EPA violators, and crooked politicians.  They would also go after the people that don't turn their cell phones off during a movie.  Those chatty bastards should die a bloody death for sure.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

11.02.2006

Dear Death Adder,

 

As you probably know, mid-term elections are coming up here on November 7^th.  This has gotten me thinking about two years from now and the 2008 Presidential election.  Do you have any predictions about who will end up being the final nominees?  Does Hillary stand a chance?  What about Rick Santorum?  (He gets me excited because I’m pretty sure he punches babies for fun.)  Will Giuliani end up being the dark horse upset candidate?  Personally, I say why vote for the lesser of two evils?  I’d be very interested in your thoughts.

 

Your fan,

 

Victor Whateley

 

Dear Victor,

 

While I regularly practice voter fraud, I do not feel it necessary to actually care about any candidates. I simply sell my numerous votes to whomever offers me cash, a free lunch, or even a pack of cigarettes. 

Truthfully, I just like to get as many little red "I voted" stickers as possible. It's like saying, "Oh, you may have voted all right, but I voted more!"  

Incidentally, if I did care, I would vote for the worse of two evils, rather than the lesser. As the saying goes, less is not more, it's just less.   

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

10.05.2006

Dear Death Adder,

The other day my two-year-old son was watching me play Golden Axe on my computer (thank you MAME32) when he suddenly exclaimed, "Mau!  Mau!" and pointed excitedly at the floor.  I looked down to see a baby mouse, not three weeks old, sitting there staring back at him in wonderment.  At least until my foot slammed down on it, again and again.  After about 20 minutes I paused to check; sure enough there was nothing left but a bloody stain and some bits of fur.  My son was staring at the smear with glazed eyes.  To break him out of his catatonic state I made him clean up the mess.

Anyway, his birthday is coming up soon.  What should I get him for a present?

Proud Father

Dear Proud Father,

 

You should be ashamed of yourself.  Clearly your son is having trouble with his vision.  First, instead of a mouse on the floor he sees a man who pursued the ideal of a strong, prosperous, and socially egalitarian China, endeavoring to build a modern, industrialized, socialist nation.  You acknowledged yourself that your son's eyes were glazed.  I think it is pathetic when a man cannot attend to the basic needs of his child. Take your kid to the eye doctor, you heathen.  It's this kind of neglect that leads kids to grow up and mutilate animals. 

 

Shame, shame, shame,

The Death Adder

10.04.2006

10.03.2006

Dear Death Adder,

For many years now, an owl has been swooping down from a tree in my backyard, grabbing my cats, and whisking them away into the sky.  Typically, about three days later, the cats come wondering back, looking confused, and desiring only to eat scrabbled eggs and root beer (which they call "meow-meow").  I have grown to accept this as a normal part of every day life.  Yesterday, though, the owl didn't take one of my cats, but my wife!  I didn't see it happen, but my wife is gone, as are most of her personal belongings, my new car, credit cards, and our shared savings at the bank.  I waited three days for her return, but still no wife.  This time that owl has gone to far!    What can I do? 

Sincerely,

Concerned and Wifeless

Dear Concerned and Wifeless,

Owls can be real pests indeed.  Obviously your wife is fat, so we are dealing with an owl of gigantic proportions.  What you need is an enormous scarecrow.  Perhaps thirty feet tall.  Make things clear by dressing your scarecrow in a tee-shirt that says, "I hate owls."  Even better would be a shirt with a picture of an owl inside a circle with big slash over it.  As you know, illiteracy is a growing problem in the owl community.

 

Good Luck,

The Death Adder

10.02.2006

Dear Death Adder,

My wife and I are having a hard time deciding what kind of dog to get.  Because we have three small children (ages 5, 4, and 2) my wife is looking for a dog that will work well as a family companion.  She will take any size, but it needs to have a stable temperament, be friendly around children, and be able to socialize with other dogs.  Whereas I'm looking for a blood-thirsty, unstoppable, inbred menace.  A terror to young and old, the dog I want will not only kill without provocation, but will then steal your credit cards and use them online to order Russian wives, which when delivered, will also be eaten.  It must also be able to wear those cute dog sweaters, because it can get cold here in the winter.

Sincerely,

Doggy Worries

Dear Doggy Worries,

You clearly lack insight.  Dogs can be trained.  You can bend them to your will quite simply with a milkbone, a verbal correction, or a severe beating.  You may manage to get a bloodthirsty mutt into you home, only to have your wife train it into submission.  You could, of course, get a rabid dog, but it would only die soon after and you are right back where you started.  You need to think outside the crate.  You need a creature that cannot be tamed.  My personal suggestion is an emu.  Now here is a beast not to be trusted.  That freakishly long neck, beady eyes, and finger crushing beak would instill fear, not only in your neighbors, but also your family.  Your wife will think twice before sticking a shock collar on this fine animal for she knows she will have only a bloody stump to show for her efforts.  Sure, you will be unable to mow the grass in your backyard, but the grass will be too scared to grow, so it all works out.

 

Best Wishes,

The Death Adder

10.01.2006

Dear Death Adder,

It's like been 15 months.  What have you been up to?  Why haven't you been answering our questions?  And one other thing, where did I put my car keys?

Sincerely,

Where Are My Car Keys Lady

Dear Where Are My Car Keys Lady,

That's all people have been asking me lately.  Where have you been?  What have you been doing for the past fifteen months?  How about this for an answer: Avoiding you.  Always calling, always nagging.  One time we went out to a simple dinner-date to Don Pablos and suddenly that's some kind of life-long commitment?  I made it clear it was work-related, not romance-related.  Did you really have to start discussing wedding plans with your sister-in-law?  A little early, don't you think?  Move on, baby, it's for the best.  We were never meant to be together.

As for your car keys, last I saw them they were on a counter at a pawn shop on top of a title deed with what looked like a crudely forged signature.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

Read "The Best Of" Ask the Death Adder

• Ask the Death Adder - September 2006
• Ask the Death Adder - June 2002
• Ask the Death Adder - October 2001
• Ask the Death Adder - September 2001
• Ask the Death Adder - August 2001
• Ask the Death Adder - July 2001
• Ask the Death Adder - June 2001
• Ask the Death Adder - May 2001
• Ask the Death Adder - April 2001
• Ask the Death Adder - March 2001