Welcomes Death Adder as Supreme Overlord
July 25th, 2001
In a surprise move, United States
President George W. Bush has handed control of all allied military
forces to the ruthless warlord, Death Adder. In a statement
to the press President Bush said, “Please join me and
welcoming our new evil oppressor, Lord Death Adder."
Adder, long known for
both his tyrannical ways and his daily advice column “Ask
the Death Adder,” is
quoted as saying he is "delighted"
with the most recent turn of events. "It's been a long time
coming," he told reporters. "Be ready for big surprises,
aides disclosed to
reporters that Death Adder and the President have held weekly talks
the beginning of Bush’s presidency in January.
more time passed,” one aide confessed under anonymity,
became clear they were coming closer on a deal over the
elected, Bush has been
under pressure to both strengthen the United States' defense
increase its role in world affairs. With
failures in his promotion of a Missile Shield defense, and his refusal
endorse the Kyoto Treaty,
pundits began to doubt Bush’s hold on the American people.
Republican Party, recently losing their slim lead in the United
States Senate, also worried they would be unable to regain the majority
the 2002 elections.
a matter of time,” MSNBC news reporter Chris
Bush didn’t act swiftly, the whole party might have been
steamrolled in ’02.”
right-wing branch of the
Republican Party has applauded Bush’s decision as a good one.
majority leader of the Senate, Newt Gingrich, issued an
immediate statement, “This is American’s finest
moment since the
invasion of Cuba.”
say Death Adder has
already begun plans for his new military regime.
what is described as Directive One, all Welfare programs will be
evolved into state-of-the-art Warfare programs.
George Bitter, Death Adder’s Chief of Staff, explained
the new system as “a revolution” in dealing with
the poor in America.
stamps,” Bitter said, “will now only be given
after the individuals run through a small obstacle course, which
the use of bayonets, catapults, and hand grenades.”
doing so, Bitter hopes to both bolster the self-worth of the
needy and build a database “of who we can count on when
it’s time to murder
those helpless Portuguese.”
did not show the
same excitement for the Bush decision.
Minnesota Senator, Paul Wellstone, said, “Bush once again
has listened to only the extremists of his party.
only wonder how this new focus on the military will help our
school children or corn farmers in the Midwest.”
Adder spokesman, James A. Baker, responded to the
wants what’s best for all Americans—be they farmers
or lawyers or
bakers or filthy cannibals,” he said.
the plunder rolls in, we are all sure to benefit.”
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