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Bush Welcomes Death Adder as Supreme Overlord

Wednesday, July 25th, 2001

In a surprise move, United States President George W. Bush has handed control of all allied military forces to the ruthless warlord, Death Adder.  In a statement to the press President Bush said, “Please join me and welcoming our new evil oppressor, Lord Death Adder." 

Death Adder, long known for both his tyrannical ways and his daily advice column “Ask the Death Adder,” is quoted as saying he is "delighted" with the most recent turn of events.  "It's been a long time coming," he told reporters.  "Be ready for big surprises, America.” 

Bush aides disclosed to reporters that Death Adder and the President have held weekly talks since the beginning of Bush’s presidency in January.  “As more time passed,” one aide confessed under anonymity, “it became clear they were coming closer on a deal over the military.” 

Since elected, Bush has been under pressure to both strengthen the United States' defense and increase its role in world affairs.  With failures in his promotion of a Missile Shield defense, and his refusal to endorse the Kyoto Treaty,  political pundits began to doubt Bush’s hold on the American people.  The Republican Party, recently losing their slim lead in the United States Senate, also worried they would be unable to regain the majority in the 2002 elections.  “It was a matter of time,” MSNBC news reporter Chris Matthews said.  “If Bush didn’t act swiftly, the whole party might have been steamrolled in ’02.”

The right-wing branch of the Republican Party has applauded Bush’s decision as a good one.  Former majority leader of the Senate, Newt Gingrich, issued an immediate statement, “This is American’s finest moment since the invasion of Cuba.” 

Insiders say Death Adder has already begun plans for his new military regime.  In what is described as Directive One, all Welfare programs will be evolved into state-of-the-art Warfare programs.  General George Bitter, Death Adder’s Chief of Staff, explained the new system as “a revolution” in dealing with the poor in America.  “Food stamps,” Bitter said, “will now only be given after the individuals run through a small obstacle course, which includes the use of bayonets, catapults, and hand grenades.”  By doing so, Bitter hopes to both bolster the self-worth of the needy and build a database “of who we can count on when it’s time to murder those helpless Portuguese.”

Democrats did not show the same excitement for the Bush decision.  Senior Minnesota Senator, Paul Wellstone, said, “Bush once again has listened to only the extremists of his party.  I can only wonder how this new focus on the military will help our school children or corn farmers in the Midwest.”

Death Adder spokesman, James A. Baker, responded to the criticism.  “Death Adder wants what’s best for all Americans—be they farmers or lawyers or bakers or filthy cannibals,” he said.  “When the plunder rolls in, we are all sure to benefit.”

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