The Way I See It

Hello again, friends.  This is the Death Adder.

There is a lot of talk these days about the Kyoto Treaty.  What is it?  Where did it first start?  Why all the hub-bub?

Friends, let me first tell you that I’m not an expert on treaties.  So far as I know, a “treaty” is used to end hostilities between warring nations.  End hostilities?  Why would I do that?  The only real use for a treaty is to lure your enemies into a false sense of security before you roll corpse-throwing catapults up to their castle walls—but we’ll save that argument for another day.

From what I’ve gathered, this so-called treaty will help eliminate the environmental hazards that cause global warming.  I see no point to this at all.  Instead of trying to get the United States to reduce their emission of greenhouse gasses, why don’t these smaller countries do something productive.  Their goal should be to find ways to increase their own output.  Military war machines aren’t run on wind and solar powered gyros, but rather coal-stoked ovens that send so many thick plumes of grey, choking smoke into the sky you would think it night.  How will Portugal regain its world-power status by America’s lowered emissions?  They would be far better served building a battering ram with the speed and strength of a locomotive and rolling it right through the Spanish countryside destroying all they see.  Take that, Prime Minister José María Aznar.

Last night, as I sat in a pile of gold coins in a graveyard littered with the headstones of my enemies, I thought to myself, “Death Adder, has all this destruction you’ve rendered made you happy?  Has the environmental desolation you’ve left in your wake really made a positive difference in the world?”  And the answer is, “Yes.”  It makes me feel wonderful.  Whereas some create beauty with song or brush, I paint sorrow with the cold edge of my axe, autographing all I see with butchering swings.  As I topple trees and families and burn cities to the ground, I know this is my purpose.  But occasionally I feel guilty.  How many men never get to feel what I feel?  Make no mistake, every man of every country should have the right to destroy as he sees fit.  What we’re talking is the right of all unruly mobs, no matter race, creed, or color, to destroy the world in their own way.

Which leads me back to the Kyoto treaty.  Not every man can amass a group of soldiers and plunder helpless villagers.  But who are we to deny this man his right to destroy the air we breath or the water we drink?  Should a factory owner, solely because he cannot properly hurl poisoned missiles into his neighbor’s hut, be precluded from bringing horrible, horrible ruin down upon us all?  The answer, of course, is “No.”

One parting story, friends.  Once upon a time, a man wandered into a village of people on the verge of starvation.  He started a fire in the middle of town and placed upon it a large pot filled with water.  “Good people,” he said, “why do you live on the verge of starvation?  Let’s combine our small portions of food together in this one great pot and tonight we shall feast like kings.”  And that night, those villagers did eat like kings, for you see, that man became the main ingredient in the finest “Meddler Stew” the villagers ever ate.

And that’s how I see it.

Back to the News page