9.28.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I suffer from frequent and painful bleeding lesions on my face.  I have tried to cover them up with make-up, but that seems to only further the irritation to my skin.  Normally this wouldn't bother me, but I am trying to gain the attentions of a rather stunning young lady who works at the corner bar.  I think she may be put off by the horrible disaster that is my face and not wish to go out with me.  How can I get her to see beyond my puss-filled and bloody face to see how beautiful I truly am on the inside?  

Sincerely,

Bleeding Heart

Dear Bleeding Heart,

Here's the long and short about it: You're not beautiful on the inside.  And further, you never will be.  Your best bet to land this woman (who's no catch either) is to fuel her with the very poison she sells.  If she's drunk enough she might be willing to overlook your horrible, horrible disfigurement.  Then again, there may not be enough booze in the world for that.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

9.27.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I am a Colgate toothbrush who has served his master well for over nine months.  My owner likes the way I feel in his hand and on his teeth.  After all this time, my specially angled head continues to find those hard to reach areas.  Recently, the wife brought home a new brush (a Crest Tarter Control, what an insult!).  I've heard them have several arguments over whether I should stay or be replaced.  So far the wife has lost these, but I'm worried about her.  The other day she entered the bathroom and stared at me with a murderous look on her face.  Then she reached out, as if to pluck me from my cup, but stopped when she heard my master approaching.  I fear my time here is growing short.  Death Adder, what am I going to do?

Sincerely,

Bristles

Dear Bristles,

I could suggest a lot of things that might work.  For instance, try and reason with the wife and help her understand words like loyalty, trust, and companionship.  Or you could debate the other brush in a public forum and outline point-for-point why you are the better brush.  But these aren't guarantees for success.

The best course of action is clear.  Do whatever you can (as fast as you can) to get that other brush to "fall" into the toilet.  Once the wife sees your enemy swirling in the blue waters of hell, she'll change her mind about who stays and who goes.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

9.26.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I am struggling with weight loss.  I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.  Unfortunately, four months after his birth, I am still 10 pounds heavier than I was before I became pregnant.  I want to lose weight, but I don't want to change my eating habits, and I hate exercise.  I am looking for a get-thin-quick scheme....can you help me? 

Sincerely,

Heavy Hearted

Dear Heavy Hearted,

Rather than focus on making yourself thin (which involves a ridiculous and unnecessary amount self-discipline) focus instead on making those around you bigger.  Start with your son and husband.  Surely, they would both appreciate a meal of fried chicken smothered in gravy, followed with a desert of chocolate cake and Zingers.  Give them vanilla frosting for breakfast and at lunch they can feed on pork chop fat and brownies.   You see how this is working?

Soon they will both become disgusting slobs, ones you will be ashamed to live with and you'll wonder, "What am I doing with these fat pigs?"  Just like that, your problem is solved.

Get cookin', woman,

The Death Adder

9.25.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Is "Death" your first name or is "Death Adder" your last name?  If "Death Adder" is your last name, what is your first name?  Is there a Mrs. Death Adder?

You are the best porn star I have ever seen!!

Sincerely,

A. Tree

Dear A. Tree,

I am often questioned about my name and its origins.  My parents were a strange mix.  My mother was a horrible, murderous tyrant known as Slaughterhouse Eyebluge, whereas my father wrote poems under the name of Butterfly Flutters.  My father wanted to name me Seaside Seashore, but my mother won that battle the day she chased him into the street screaming and naked and swinging a butcher knife.

There is a Mrs. Death Adder but she spends most of her time at home raising Little Adder and plotting evil.

And yes, I did make a few porn movies in my early days, but I must point out, they were EVIL porn movies.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

9.24.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Konnichi wa!  My name is Nakoruru Im an Ainu priestess in Kamuikotan, Japan.  I, my sister, Rimururu and my friends have started a fan club known as the Death Adder Fanclub.  Believe it or not, you are the most popular man in Japan.  You have also been rated the sexiest man in the world.  Every girl loves you here (even me and my sister ^_^)!

Anyway, I was wondering if you can come to the SNK-NEO GEO Land in Tokyo?  There is a convention that is based on you and NO ONE ELSE!  Here is a list of my friends that are as big of fans of you (as I am) and also part of the Death Adder fanclub:

Mai Shiranui, Athena Asamya, Charlotte Colde, King, Kasumi Todo, Yuri Sakazaki, Tifa Lockheart, Aeris Gainsborough,  Rinoa Heartilly, Quistis Trepe, Ellis, Selphie Tilmitt, Nurse Harumi, Yuriko Star, Celine Jules, Rena Lanford, Sofia, Rimururu, Vice, Mature, Blue Mary, Miho Shinjo, and Precis Newman!

Another question: Which girl do you like that I have listed here?  Who is prettiest?  Or better yet, which would make love to?

Final question: Can we PLEEEEAZZZZEEE work in your castle?  We can be your servants, maids, bodyguards, cooks, or better yet, how about being our pimp?

Sayonara Adder-chan,

Nakoruru

President of the Death Adder Fanclub

P.S. We love you and only you!

Dear Nakoruru,

Your words fill my black, black heart with small shimmering lights of love and gratitude.  Unfortunately, due to a series of unnecessary lawsuits, I am unable to attend the convention in Tokyo, or for that matter, any function in the entire country of Japan. 

Of the girls you listed, Nurse Harumi is by far the prettiest.  She makes many of the rest of the girls on the list look like ten miles of bad road (including you, I'm sorry to say).  Despite this, I welcome all women to become servants of the Death Adder.  When it comes to forced labor, I do not discriminate on beauty.  In time, all who work for me are covered in the black soot of my demonic hell-forges.

Good luck with the club,

The Death Adder

9.19.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Four hundred years ago, Nostradamus predicted the following:

In years from the tomorrow

When turkeys walk across eels

Beef hot-dish shall make men quake

Please put your pants back on

What on earth could this mean?!?!?

Sincerely,

Future Fright

Dear Future Fright,

Interesting . . . Interesting . . . My best guess is that it has to do with YOUR future.  From what my sources can gather, you are to empty your bank accounts (and here comes the strange part) and give that money to me.  Like you, I find this to be strange prediction, but Nostradamus is never wrong.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

9.18.2001

Dear Death Adder,

When I go the zoo, I find the monkeys behave quite strangely.  Any time I approach their cages, they begin waving their arms erratically.  They slap their chests and throw dung heaps at me and each other.  Sometimes their entire monkey-society breaks down and they battle among each other for supremacy.  I find it all rather amusing. 

My idea is to package their rage and produce a Broadway play called “Angry Monkeys STRIKE!!”  I’ll need a lot of financial backers to make all the costumes, coordinates the lighting, sound, and dancing routines, and to buy many, many little shock collars to keep them in line.  Where should I begin?

The Producer

Dear Producer,

My advice:  Get out while you still can!  Do you think you were the first man vain enough to think you could control the monkey hoards?  You may think you have them trained as they ride their fancy red tricycles waving and smiling at the children, but it’s only a matter of time before you find yourself staring down their venomous fangs and trembling in fear.

Monkeys are not of this earth.  They are not to be trusted.  And never, ever let them manage your stock portfolios (I’ll get you yet, Chang-Chang!).

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

9.17.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Hi.  My name is Sabrina.  I am a 15 year old girl who is a Pokemon Gym Leader in Saffron City.  I have the ability to control any human or Pokemon, no matter how strong their will powers are, with my psychic powers.  I'm sick of this Gym Leader crap and I want to join your army and be your loyal servant.  I am a big fan of yours, I have every picture hung up and even built a shrine of you. ^_^

I wish to be Lieutenant or General.  My main qualification, mentioned above is that I have very powerful psychic powers.  With me in your army, I can have Team Rocket, Bowser Koopa, Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach, or every Pokemon and Pokemon trainer at your command.  Please let me join your army.  Your faith in me is well placed!

Requesting to join your army,

Sabrina, Former Gym Leader of Saffron city

P.S. Is it true that were related?  Are you my father, brother, uncle?

Dear Sabrina,

It is with open arms that I welcome the ferocious Pocket-Monster arsenal into my army.  I will also take their Nintendo brothers--I've had my eye on that Princess Peach for quite some time.  

You, though, are not welcome.  Though I commend your psychic prowess and go-get-'em attitude, Death Adder's Army has a strict age limit of eighteen that must be followed.  It is at this age that a person's uncontrolled rage is at its finest.  Before then, your furies are likely to pack no more punch than a wet noodle.  Come back in three years and we'll talk.

As far as our relations go . . . yes, we are related.  In a bizarre time traveling experiment gone wrong, it seems I am both your uncle and your son.  

See you at the reunion,

The Death Adder

9.14.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I really want my son to quit picking his nose.  I think it’s a habit he picked up at school (or perhaps from watching me and my wife).  I tried taping his hands in mittens, but then he used pencils, scissors, and fishing lures.  Now he has constant nose bleeds!  Any help you could offer would be great.  And any advice on getting blood out of clothing would be good too.

Sincerely,

Malfunctioning Father

Dear Malfunctioning Father,

Getting blood out of clothing is an easy one.  Use Era for Evil-Doers, with Protein-Busting Power!

As far as those nose bleeds go, instead of worrying about the implements, worry about the receptacle.  Two pieces of quarter-inch dowel would plug him up but good.  Reinforce this with a small amount of black tar.  Oddly enough, this will also stop those nose bleeds.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

9.13.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Hi.  My name is Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate of the Caribbean!  I've plundered treasure everywhere and fought the most evil of pirates but I need your help!

#1.  Can you kill the Zombie pirate Lechuck?  I've tried to kill him on several occasions but was unsuccessful.  If I paid you all of my treasure, can you kill him and his army of undead pirates?

#2.  My wife Elaine is sooo moody.  How do I deal with her moods?

#3. Why do people keep calling me a dork?  Is it because of the way I dress, look, talk?  What is it?  I mean, no takes me seriously!  Is it my name?

Sincerely,

Guybrush Threepwood

Dear Guybrush,

You've got problems.  Let me address each one:

#1.  If Lechuck is so powerful, maybe it is better for me to assist him in destroying you.

#2.  Try talking to her soothingly over a romantic dinner while sweet violins play beside you.  If that doesn't work, try any number of prescription medications.

#3.  People don't like you for all the reasons you listed and more.  Even I don't like you, and I've never even seen your face.  Your name definately needs a change.  Threepguy Brushwood rolls off the tongue much better, in my opinion.

Calling you a hopeless wretch isn't too far a stretch.  Your best bet might be joining that undead army.

Best of luck,

The Death Adder

9.12.2001

Dear Death Adder

I am Emperor Palpatine, Ruler of the Galactic Empire!  I notice that the Dark Side of the Force is with you.  How would you like to join the Empire?  With your army and mine we can rule the universe forever!  Why, you could even replace my present commander, Darth Vader.  But I know you won't . . .  

You can't defeat me because I am the most evil person in the galaxy.  Your puny army is nothing compared to my Star Destroyers, Storm and Dark Troopers, plus my best weapon, the DEATH STAR, which is enough to destroy a planet!

I think you should join the Galactic Empire.

Sincerely,

Emperor Palpatine

Dear "Emperor" Palpatine,

Look into your heart, Palpatine, you know it's true. . . I am your father!

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

9.10.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I am just graduating from high school and I need some help. My main career goal was world domination with my friends, but there's one problem. We don't know where to start. Should we brainwash the world, or kill them all and make a new race of biomechanical supermen?  I would like some options and advice on my new ambition.  

I also think my cohort, Dessloch, is gay.  What should I do?

Sincerely,

David "The Dominator" Morian

Dear David,

I would avoid biomechanical supermen if I were you.  It's just a matter of time before they turn against you . . . and then where will you be?  Brainwashing is an okay idea, but it's often hard to get the clean brain back into the skull without dirtying it again.

If I were you, I'd climb onto the back of any third-world dictator you can find and just count the moments until you can stab him in the back and take control of his regime.  It may be a small, worthless country, like Spain, but you have to start somewhere.

As far as your worries about Dessloch . . .  So long as he's evil and willing to do your bidding, I wouldn't worry.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

9.07.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I am a janitor by trade and get to work rather early—sometimes by 3:00 am .  Because no one else is around, I like to crawl into a bin of warm, clean mop-heads and dream my cares away.  I find this practice preferable to work.  Lately, my supervisor has been getting wise to me.  He now comes to work at 2:30 am and grabs my prime sleeping spot, leaving me only the broken glass dumpster to sleep in.  Naturally, I need to find an all-natural way to cure the bleeding in my arms, legs, face, neck, and “nether” regions.  Any suggestions? 

Sincerely,

The Cleaning Guy

Dear Cleaning Guy,

I would approach this from a different angle.  Start coming to work at 2:00 am .  Pour a mixture of bleach and ammonia on the mop heads.  As the days go by, this combination of chemicals will cause lesions to form on your supervisor's lungs.  Soon he will be in the hospital, or perhaps dead, and you will have your secret sleeping spot back again.  By doing this, everyone will live happily ever after.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

9.06.2001

Dear Death Adder,

Last night, at an All-You-Can-Eat crab legs buffet, I feel I was cheated out of what was rightfully mine.  Every time the cooks brought out more crab some fat guy who was guarding the buffet would snatch up all the claws and legs—leaving only dirty crab water for the rest of us.  This happened for over an hour.  I waited so long I ended up getting full on vanilla pudding and beer.  That night I dreamed giant snow crabs went to his house and ate his children.  What does all this mean?

Sincerely,

Hungry Man

Dear Hungry Man,

To start, it’s clear you are in serious need of sensitivity training when it comes to the overweight members of society.  But I’ll save that for another day.

This man, who I will call Fatty McLardass, was violating the well-known “rules of the buffet.”  He should have left a few hunks of crab for the next poor slob, like yourself.  No doubt your dream is a small glimmer of his future.  The giant crabs are coming.  Prepare yourself, Hungry Man.  Prepare.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

9.05.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I am a powerful Vampire with unlimited dark energy under my control, but I feel like I am being controlled. You see, there is this Succubus that's really catching on to me, but she's using me for her own evil ways. Apart from that, she has a nice personality. Should I keep with her, or corrupt her mind and bend her to my whims? 

Sincerely,

Dimitri

Dear Dimitri,

I think it was the poet Lord Byron who once said, "Love, exciting and new . . . Come aboard . . . We're expecting you."  Your heart is in the right place, Dimitri.  As long as she's bending your will towards evil, things can't be all that bad.  Hold on to her, friend.  When she starts decorating your living room with lacy doilies, then it's time to worry.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

9.04.2001

Dear Death Adder,

I'm a community development volunteer from America working in Kenya.  I've been here one year already, but the tribe that I live with have a difficult time pronouncing my name correctly.  Some say "John" or "Javier" or "A$$hole".  Now, none of those are the correct way to pronounce my name. I'm afraid to sound impolite in correcting their English, but it's starting to bother me a little.  What should I do? 

Troubled,

Robert Sifahamu

Dear Robert,

Your problem is glaringly obvious.  You are a volunteer.  You give away the skills that a wiser man would sell to the highest bidder.  I foresee your problem becoming much worse in the coming months.  Soon they will find other ways to pronounce your name, like "Fool" or "Whippin' Boy."  Practice up on your groveling skills.  You'll need them.

Sincerely,

The Death Adder

Read past letters to The Death Adder

• Ask the Death Adder - September 2006
• Ask the Death Adder - June 2002
• Ask the Death Adder - October 2001
• Ask the Death Adder - September 2001
• Ask the Death Adder - August 2001
• Ask the Death Adder - July 2001
• Ask the Death Adder - June 2001
• Ask the Death Adder - May 2001
• Ask the Death Adder - April 2001
• Ask the Death Adder - March 2001