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Ask the Death Adder
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6.29.2001
Dear Death Adder,
There is a classy rich girl me and my
friends have known for years. Although she likes us, she will never
compliment us on a sexual level (even though I am well aware from other
females that we are all rather attractive). It is my belief that it is her
typical royal family-like opinion that she is above indulging in flirting
of any kind with me or my somewhat lower class and risqué amigos, as she
sees herself out of our league!
If someone implied to you, Mr. Adder, that
you could not conquer a country, would you not long to march in and take
it? It may be dancing with fire, but I can take the heat, so I intend to
conquer (as in seduce) this lady. The fact that she has a boyfriend makes
the challenge, to me, the current closest equivalent of obtaining the
Golden Axe. You, of all people, will understand that such a challenge
cannot possibly be refused. Obviously I bow down to your superiority when
it comes to "conquering," so I now ask you for advice on how
best to succeed where all others would not even try!
I wish to keep this lady around in public
view so I can show off my victory and enjoy its continuing rewards. Some
cunning Adder-like ingenuity is required.
Sincerely yours,
The Fire Dancer
Dear
Fire Dancer,
Subtle wit and charm are going to win the day
for you. Make a good first impression by bashing down her door,
this hints at your burning desire for her. Next, communicate using
casual body language: whip off your cape and toss it aside, a little
muscle-flexing might help here too. Finally, woo her with sweet
phrases - I prefer a lusty battle cry such as, "Prepare to reveal your treasures!" And one other thing, you never, EVER
let them see you with your helmet off.
Good Luck,
The Death Adder
6.28.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I've been a member of an animal liberation
terrorist cell for some time now. Our latest strike was at a
university laboratory that was using mice to research cancer treatments.
We cut the power, broke down the doors and collected all the helpless
little mousies into cardboard boxes. For good measure we sprayed
graffiti on the walls, burned paperwork and smashed all the computers.
Our efforts resulted in the loss of over 3 years of evil medical
breakthroughs. We released the mice in a farm field outside town,
where within minutes they were all ripped to pieces by hawks and feral
cats. I cannot describe the euphoria we felt seeing these majestic
rodents experiencing freedom!
Unfortunately, I just learned my mother has
been diagnosed with cancer and would have benefited from the treatments
the center was developing. My question is, how can I explain to my
mother that her life is meaningless compared to those of the animals I
freed? Her prolonged, agonizing death is but a small price to pay so
that those mice could live outside their cages for several short minutes.
It is important that I not offend her too greatly, for I need her inheritance
to help fund further liberation activities.
Sincerely,
Animal Worshiper
Dear Animal Worshiper,
The solution is simple.
The next time you break into a animal research facility, bring
your mother along so she can see the evil they cause and understand the
passions you hold dear. To
help her understand, place her in one of the animal cages—putting her
in with an angry, plague-infested rhesus monkey would be best—and
inject her with all the chemicals you can find.
She may resist your actions, but this is normal as people are often afraid of new things.
Perhaps one of the injections will even cure her disease, making
you a national hero.
Don't spend that inheritance all in one
place,
Death Adder
6.27.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I am an out-of-work songwriter that's been
trying to get a break for the past five years. Though I am sure I
have perfected my craft, my inquiries to today's top stars have all gone
unanswered. Each one of my songs is a sweet blend of harmony and
melody, love and pain, creative sounds and catchy tunes. Why can't I
make my mark and attract their attention? I sent one of my best
"Wanna Be Me" to Elvis Presley two months ago and haven't heard
a peep. I wrote a nice duet for Frank Sinatra and the Notorious
B.I.G. called "Gimme Your Grove-Thang" and they haven't even
bothered to call--they didn't even send a note to say they received it.
And what about the tender love song I wrote for Dana Plato, Herve
Villechaize, and Mr. T? Only T responded and he wasn't near as nice
as he was on the A-Team. He suggested his part should be sung by Lou
Ferrigno--proving he didn't understand the lyrics at all!
What can I do to become a song-writing
sensation?
Sincerely,
Sad Song Sally
Dear Sad Song Sally,
You're just a little down on your luck right
now. I'm sure if you work even harder at contacting these people,
eventually your big break will come.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.26.2001
Dear Death Adder,
On most weekends, when my wife leaves town,
I call up the local escort service and spend the night with low-priced
prostitutes. I told my wife nothing of this because it would clearly
hurt her to know the truth and I wanted to protect the sanctity of our
marriage. This past Saturday, I ordered a prostitute from my normal
connection. When I heard the knock on the door, I was ready for
action. Much to my surprise, the prostitute I sent for turned out to
be . . . MY WIFE!
Without my knowing, she had been going out
and selling her sweet love for money, Death Adder! I have never felt
so betrayed. We argued most of that night. She kept going on
and on about some goose and gander combination--to be honest, I couldn't
follow her logic. Now I am left with a shattered heart and shattered
dreams for the future. What am I to do?
Sincerely,
Betrayed Heart
Dear Betrayed Heart,
Truly your wife is no longer deserving of
your respect. I'm surprised you wasted your time arguing with her;
after all, she can never be reformed from what she is at heart.
Also, I can't believe that it took you this long to find out about her
occupation. Let's see: She's a brunette, about 5 foot 7,
with that little teardrop-shaped birthmark on her left hip, right?
Oh yes, I knew about her little side business MONTHS ago.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.25.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Sometimes, when I go out pheasant hunting,
my father's friend comes along. This guy thinks he's king when it comes
to hunting safety. He makes us unload our weapons before we start
our heavy drinking. He also disapproves when we use our loaded
shotguns like swords in pretend duels we like to have. One time, I
saw him giving first-aid to a bird only crippled by a shotgun blast to
the wing. (Don't worry, I tracked and killed the bird later that
day.)
How can I make this man understand that
killing pheasants and a little hunting tom-foolery is as much a part of
God's plan as legalized marijuana and sodomy?
Sincerely,
Hunter Jim
Dear Hunter Jim,
People like this are vampires, always sucking
the life out of whatever activity they take part in. He doesn't
like your activities because he's never tried them. Fortunately,
there is a way to open his eyes. The next time you go hunting, put him
in the middle of your line. Then have the dogs run ahead and flush
the birds back towards you, rather than away. Wait until they get
in nice and close for an optimal shot - say, right next to his head,
then open up with everything you've got. I'm sure this will help
him understand where you are coming from.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.22.2001
Dear Death Adder,
In the next Star Wars movie, who will be
revealed as Yoda's father? I think it will be Chewbaca, but I can't
be sure about this. If you look closely you will see that though
Chewbaca is a seven-foot hairy ape, and Yoda is a three-foot,
green-skinned troll, they are identical in height and appearance. I
also believe that Luke is really Darth Vader's father.
There is also a slim chance, my sources tell
me, that Yoda may really just be Jabba the Hutt's severed penis.
Sincerely,
Mr. Lucas
Dear Mr. Lucas,
No, I can't accept the Chewbacca theory.
Much more likely is that we will discover Yoda is the ancestral father
of the Ewok race. This would be a tremendous plot development, and
would make just as much sense as midichlorians being responsible for the
Force.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.21.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I want to join the ranks of professional
wrestling--perhaps as the masked avenger, El Diablo! My finishing
move would be a top rope Kamikaze Double Summersault. I would also
have a little Chihuahua come to ring with me. And I would throw
frisbees to the kids at ringside. My problem is this: I have no arms
or legs or lower torso. Right now, to move from place to place, I am
pulled around in a red wagon by some dog I have never seen before. Please
make it stop, Death Adder. As we are horribly lost and I am very
hungry.
Sincerely,
El Diablo
Dear El Diablo,
It will be quite difficult for you to fulfill
your wrestling fantasy. However, this is still some hope for you.
Instead of heaving frisbees to the crowd, why not allow yourself to be
thrown to them instead? Dwarf tossing has always been a favorite
activity of mine. I remember one night I pitched a munchkin so far
he bashed right through the side of a tavern. And that was before
they brought out the Ale Bong. Ah, that was a night I won't soon
forget.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.20.2001
Dear Death Adder,
My childhood had a similar beginnings to
most people. Abandoned by my abusive, drunken parents, I joined a
pack of wild dogs that roamed through a small village in Peru. The
oldest of the dogs, which I named "Mittens," suckled me each
morning for breakfast, and cleaned my face with her velvet-like tongue
at night. I enjoyed hobbies similar to most boys my age--bashing
rocks against the head's of rabbits, scratching at my throat until it
bled, and ping-pong.
Now I am older and well-adjusted in
society. I work at a local arcade, fixing jammed machine and
awarding prizes in exchange for tickets won by customers at our Skill
Crane machines. But at night, as I watch small children get
dragged into the woods by hyenas, I long for the old days. Where
is the fine balance between regular member of society and blood-thirsty
village terror? Please help me if you can.
Sincerely,
Ruff-Ruff
Dear Ruff-Ruff,
An arcade, you say? You wouldn't happen
to have any cheat codes for the Revenge of Death Adder game, would you?
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.19.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I'll come right out and say it: I had an
affair with a woman at work. We tried to keep it a secret, but eventually
my wife found out. Since then, I've lost my job, my wife no
longer speaks to me, and we no longer sleep in the same bed. She has
gone so far as to get a job out of the house, in another city, just to get
away from me. What makes things worse is that my secret lover no
longer wants anything to do with me either. And the guy who replaced
me at work is already doing my old job ten times better than I ever
did. I no longer have the confidence to speak to my wife on the same
level. I need a way to get my life back on track.
I really want to make things right with my
wife, but I don't know how I can even start. What can I do?
Sincerely,
W. J. Clinton
Dear W. J. Clinton,
I can tell from your letter that you are a very
talented man, you're just stuck in a rut. It appears that your wife
has an affinity for power, and when your job ended she saw yours decrease.
What you need to do is reclaim a position of authority. Don't just
settle for getting your old job back - dream big! Lead a revolt,
unseat the government, become a dictator. Turn the country around
and lead it back to glory. Only then will your wife see what she has been
missing and gladly return to your side.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.18.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Lately, when I've looked at my husband, I've
noticed changes. He no longer comments when I change my hair style.
When we sit down to eat dinner, he no longer looks me in the eyes.
The lawn, which is normally beautifully manicured, has overgrown with
weeds. All these things combined together, along with his refusal to
take off the ski mask he now wears 24 hours a day, makes me think
something is bothering him. How can I bring up these issues without
him turning defensive? I need to be gentle and cautious, because he
insists I speak to him only in Hebrew and refer to him as Lord Orifice.
Sincerely,
Confused Wife
Dear Confused Wife,
Your husband is trying to send you a message.
There is a very good reason why he averts his eyes. Look at your
new hairstyle in the mirror. Is it a rat's nest? Do you bear
a striking resemblance to the Medusa? Your man's actions are
consistent with one who is trying desperately, yet futilely, to avoid
the stone curse. Unfortunately you will just have to accommodate
his activities until he either accepts your new hair, or beheads you.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.15.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Lately, I've been finding that people resent
me because I'm so much better than they are. Whereas I am a fun, intelligent,
handsome man, most everyone else I see are filthy, dirt-eating parasites.
I went to a doctor to have my eyes tested and I have 20/20 vision
(perfect, like the rest of me)--so I know it's not something I'm just
imagining.
I would like to know what to do about it.
Do I try and drag the rest of the world to my level? Do I lower
myself to their level and become a selfless, hedonistic sack of crap?
Tell me, Death Adder, what should I do?
Sincerely,
Handsome Hero
Dear Handsome Hero,
If these people resent you it's because they
don't yet understand you. Someone as strong as yourself needs to
lead by example. Go ahead and get in their faces, strut your stuff.
Explain in exacting detail why you rule and they don't. Once they
see that there is another way to live they'll come around and take steps
to correct the situation.
Good luck golden boy,
The Death Adder
6.14.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Next week I am leaving home for Marine Corps
boot camp. Everyone, especially my girlfriend, thinks this is a really bad
idea. But I think it's great so I signed up for infantry. Now that it's
coming time for me to leave, my girlfriend has been getting all bent out
of shape about it and crying a lot. She says that I'm going to get killed
in a war--which doesn't sound too bad to me . . . going to war that is.
So, how do I get her to understand all of this and not cry and worry so
much?
Sincerely,
Frank
Dear Frank,
Here's what you say:
"Honey, I know you're hurting right now.
And believe me, I'm hurting right along with you. But please try to
understand that we live in a dangerous world today. The forces of
light and goodness are stronger than we think, and are always rearing
their ugly heads in the most unexpected places. If we are to
continue enjoying the benefits that our repressive, monolithic government
has granted us, we are going to have to fight for it. And if some
honest, freedom-loving hero wants to break the chains of your bondage, you
will feel better knowing that it could be me who drives the bayonet
through his skull, even if I might be hacked to pieces in the
process."
In short, you need to explain to your girlfriend
that sometimes in life, sacrifices must be made for the greater good, or
in this case, greater evil.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.13.2001
Dear Death Adder,
While hiking in the mountains of California,
I came across the skeletal remains of a 19th century prospector.
Clutched in his bony fingers was a map, yellowed with age. Upon
unfolding the map, I found the following message: "To whoever
finds me map, travel 30 paces north, 20 paces east, dig ten feet down, and
there lies the treasure. I cannot retrieve it for my legs were eaten by
ravenous dogs and I am bleeding to death. Please tell my wife I love
her."
Who does this guy think he is? Does he
think I'm going to go traipsing around looking for his wife--who would be,
like, three-hundred years old by now? I was so angry I bashed apart
his remains with a stick. I did keep one of his teeth, though, as it my
have some value on eBay.
Sincerely,
Penny Saved
Dear Penny Saved,
Let me see if I have this straight. The
old man gave up on his treasure because once he lost his legs he didn't
know how to measure a pace anymore? I'd say you gave him exactly
what he deserved.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.12.2001
Dear Death Adder,
In the arcades, why do shooting games punish
you for "eliminating" the weak members of society. It
fills me with a horrible, blinding rage that makes me want to target more
of them.
Sincerely,
John Woo
Dear John Woo,
You are mistaken. You are not punished
because it is wrong to kill these people; you lose points because it is a
waste of bullets. The weak victims you kill would be much better accommodated
by blunt weapons that allow you to conserve your resources.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.11.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Last night, rain and hail pelted my house
for hours in a thunderstorm I thought would never end. At first
glance everything looked in order, but then, on a second go through, I
noticed the skylight in my bathroom was leaking and the walls underneath
showed water damage. WATER DAMAGE!
My neighbor, I found out this morning while
chatting, got away without so much as a damp floor in his cellar. I
have already open 2 lawsuits. The first is against the neighbor
whose home has an unfair advantage over mine because his faces east and
mine faces north. The second lawsuit is against the so-called
"prevailing" winds which rock my house during every storm.
I am also considering suing the man who works at the nearby deli for
leering at me when there is no call for leering. And my second-grade
teacher used to give "birthday spankings" that really, really
pissed me off--there's another lawsuit right there.
Sincerely,
ARGHHHHH!
Dear Arghhhhh,
While your anger is justified, I'm afraid I
cannot condone your methods for appeasing it. Lawsuits are
frivolous, and for the weak of body. Most of the cases you mentioned
center on a single person. That person is your focus; you must
channel your feelings in that direction. A good club or even the
heel of your boot should be more than sufficient to exact whatever justice
you have coming to you.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.08.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I have a poem for you. Please tell me
what you think.
Death,
death, death
Hate,
hate, hate
Death-death,
hate-hate-hate
Eat
the remains of a dead baboons heart
Lord
Beetlesworth commandeth!
Perchance!
Perchance! Perchance!
Sincerely,
The Muse
Dear The Muse,
You have a really good start here. You
lost me towards the end, however. Who is this Beetlesworth
character, a potential rival of mine? I've needed a good challenge
lately.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.07.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I'm building a relational database and I'm
unsure as to whether or not I want to enforce referential integrity.
On one hand, I like the security and convenience it gives me in the future
if I need to run a cascade update or a cascade delete. But then
again, following such database restrictions fills me with a horrible,
boiling, blinding rage!
Sincerely,
Mr. Access
Dear Mr. Access,
What is the problem here? Rage is an
emotion to be cherished, not rejected. And efficient, smothering
security measures are always preferable to the chaos that would occur in
their absence. Obviously you need some sort of attitude
adjustment. Prepare to die.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.06.2001
Dear Death Adder,
Without question the United States
government has been secretly using UFO technology stolen from the Roswell
crash since the late 1940s. Slowly but surely, alien DNA is being
mixed with human DNA to produce a new super-species unlike any the world
has ever seen!
Risking my own life, I have secured highly
classified documents that detail these plans in full. They have
already converted the moon into a large brain-wave collector and I am extremely
sensitive it the "moon-beams" it produces. You are the
only one I can turn to, Death Adder. Where should I go with this
information? Where can my family be safe? Help me before it's
too late.
Sincerely,
Mr. Secret
Dear Mr. Secret,
If such a super-species exists, it would
possess power secondary only to that of the Golden Axe itself. Such
a race could become a terrible weapon if it fell into the wrong hands.
You were right to bring this to my attention. Please collect all
your information, including formulas, photographs and step by step
instructions, and bring them to my castle immediately. By all means
invite along your family, friends, and anyone else that you may have even
remotely mentioned this to. You are in good hands now.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.05.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I have a really big problem. You see, all my
life I've been living a small, quite life with my aunt and uncle. They're
both farmers, so I grew up to be one as well. However, I ran in to this
old hermit that lives near our village, and he gave me a really strange
flashlight. You could actually see the beam, but when I tried running my
arm through the beam it kind of chopped the whole arm off. The situation
didn't exactly improve when I met my long-lost father and he cut my other
hand off. How am I going to farm now?
Sincerely,
Lucky Daycrawler
Dear Lucky Daycrawler,
I'm afraid that farming is out of the question
for you. You'd be much better served by becoming a merchant in the
town marketplace, growing old and withered and warning small boys that
they'd best get inside before the sandstorm hits.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
6.04.2001
Dear Death Adder,
I want a divorce from my wife, but she has
so far refused. Part of the problem is that I'm a disgusting, lazy,
good-for-nothing slob and she doesn't want to support my out-of-work
worthless self for the rest of my life. Actually, that's not part of
the problem, that's all of it. I would be more interested in staying
with her if she would focus more energy on granting all my wishes and
desires and less time fawning over our children. I don't want this to turn
into a messy situation. All I ask is that she grant me a divorce and
full custody of our children with no visitation rights for her
what-so-ever. And bi-weekly alimony checks to feed my addiction to
morphine.
Sincerely,
Lost in Love
Dear Lost in Love,
I become enraged when I hear stories like
this. A divorce would be the best thing for your wife, yet she is
denying you one just to spite you. How dare she only think of
herself in this situation! My advice is to eliminate her very
soon. Granted, a quick death is more than she deserves, but it
will do you much good to be free of the crushing grip of your current
relationship. I shouldn't have to add that you want your life
insurance paid in full before taking any such action.
Sincerely,
The Death Adder
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